Nine-year-old Tayana is an aspiring singer, songwriter, and artist. She has an art gallery of songs she has written and drawings she is working on, which she loves to show off. Get her talking about her passions, and she won’t stop. She might even ask you, “am I talking too much?” She loves to spend time with others drawing, coloring, or just being together in the same room. Tayana is also interested in learning to cook and would love to be included in the preparation of family dinners.

Tayana is helpful at home and at school. She loves math, and always raises her hand first to help her classmates with math problems. She is friendly with others and wants to be liked.

Tayana’s love language is touch, and while she is not picky on family type, she wants a mom who can give her hugs or hold her hand when she has had a tough day. Someone who will help her process when emotions get too big, but also be willing to snuggle on the couch watching a movie or read her a story in bed.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Samantha Fisher – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e samanthafisher@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Chad and Teon are the sweetest pair of siblings you might ever meet. As you watch them together, you can see the love they have for each other. Teon looks up to his brother and is never far away. Older brother Chad would probably tell you he needs space from his brother but also does not go too far without checking to make sure his brother is safe and happy. Like any brothers, they can sometimes play a little too rough, but the love between them is so present. Chad will tell you he is Teon’s protector, and Teon will be nodding his head right behind him. Both boys are very family oriented and love to be included in family game nights, movies, and making dinner.

Chad absolutely loves school and excels in both math and science, so much so that Chad would love to go into the field of science when he gets older. He will tell you that he either wants to be a scientist or a chef when he gets older. Chad is easygoing and friendly and interacts well with others. He loves random facts, and will teach you something new daily!

Like his brother, Teon loves school (he won’t always admit this) and excels in reading. Teon has made great improvements in school and was just asked to be honored at the next school board meeting! Teon is interested in sports and enjoys being outside. He loves to do anything Chad does, but sometimes needs reminders that Chad might not ALWAYS want to play with him.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Samantha Fisher – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e samanthafisher@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Fifteen-year-old Chance is a sweet and charming young man. He is a joy to be around and is the perfect mix between having honest, clear communication and being a sarcastic teenager. He has a smile that lights up the room and brings joy out of people he is around. Chance is open to trying new things, but reports he doesn’t like to do kid things, like jumping at Skyzone, even though he has had a blast in the past. A family that can remind Chance that he can still do kids’ things and encourages him to be playful would be the perfect fit for Chance.

Chance loves video games, and his favorite game is Call of Duty. He enjoys gaming with others and would love to play video games with his future family. Chance is also a fan of anime, and has watched every episode of his favorite shows. He likes to collect pokemon cards but will look at you crazy when you ask if he’s ever played the game. He reports one day, his cards are going to sell for millions. Ha. Chance is athletic and enjoys most sports. He currently plays football locally and loves going to sports events.

If Chance has a goal in mind, he is very motivated to achieve it. Chance is interested in getting his driver’s permit, and hopes to be working this summer. He would love a family that can guide him into adulthood, while also showing him that he can still be a kid.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Samantha Fisher – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e samanthafisher@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Andy is a 13-year-old boy with a laid-back and cool personality. Andy works hard at school academically and is very serious about his grades. He’s very cautious and reserved around new people, but when he adjusts, he can be pretty funny and personable.

Andy’s favorite hobbies are football and basketball. He plays on his school’s basketball team, and at 6’1, he’s one of the tallest players on the court. And he plans on trying out for the track team when Basketball season ends. His favorite basketball teams are the Charlotte Hornets and the Dallas Mavericks, and his favorite football teams are the Buffalo Bills and the Baltimore Ravens. Andy also loves to play video games but only football and basketball games. A perfect day for Andy would be a Sunday afternoon watching football and eating wings and pizza from Imo’s, a St. Louis style pizza restaurant. Andy likes street racing cars and says his favorite is the Dodge Hellcat. Andy likes to listen to music in his free time, mostly hip hop, especially his favorite artist Lil Baby.

Andy greatly desires independence and talks about getting a job when he gets older. He already has the paperwork to get a work permit for when he turns 14. Andy is very family-oriented and extremely close with his grandmother and older brothers. With Andy, the smiles are shy and slow to come, but when you’re graced with one, you’ll see that it is filled with warmth and sincerity.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Daniealle Browning – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e danieallebrowning@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

William is an active kiddo who will quickly liven up your life. His infectious energy will grab your attention and push you to have fun with him. It’s impossible to sit still and watch when he’s having so much fun!   He loves to try new things and has participated in basketball, soccer, and bowling. Right now, he says soccer is his favorite! William has a huge heart, and his foster parent shared a story about William giving up first place in a race to go back and help a friend who fell down.

It shouldn’t be a surprise that summertime is his fun time! His perfect summer includes camping, watching NASCAR and Wrestling, riding his bike and dune buggy every chance he gets, and going swimming. Watch out for the splashes from his huge jumps! His favorite memory from this summer is when he won the kid’s fishing tournament.  A busy kiddo also makes for a big appetite, so be ready for those family dinners with a big bowl of Mac n Cheese, his favorite.

On the weekends, he spends his time practicing his entrepreneurial skills by helping to host yard sales and make money. You will see him offering to help his customers take their goodies to their car to earn extra tips. He likes to spend his money on candy and toys! He’s also the first to open the door for you, set the table, and flash his megawatt smile while doing it.

William reports that he likes school okay but enjoys learning about cool things like rocket ships and racecars.  He also likes to build things with his Legos and will watch Lego masters for inspiration. If you are looking to raise the next Rocket Scientist or Professional Race Car driver, William is your kid!

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Genesis Elkin – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e genesiselkin@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

5 Ways to Support Bites at The Big Top

1. Purchase tickets to attend Bites at The Big Top.
2. Share our social media posts, forward our emails, and tell your friends about us.
3. Become a partner. Are you a restaurant owner, mixologist, or brewer? Reach out to Felisha Smith to become a Bites at The Big Top partner.
4. Sponsor and make Bites at The Big Top a BIG success.
5. Join the Silent Auction Committee: The Coalition is seeking motivated and creative committee members for our new fundraising event, Bites at The Big Top: a showcase of cocktails and cuisine for a cause. In order to reach our fundraising goal we need a powerhouse silent auction committee to create unique auction items and solicit gifts from businesses and individuals. Commitment: There will be 4-5 virtual committee meetings prior to the event to coordinate activities and plan auction items. Interested? Reach out to Felisha Smith at felishasmith@foster-adopt.org.

What is Bites at The Big Top?

Held at The Big Top at Grand Center, this event will feature a sampling of St. Louis’ best restaurants and mixologists. Enjoy small bites and cocktail samples from dozens of your favorite local spots (our lineup is dropping closer to the event, but we’ve got a few surprises you won’t want to miss). And while you’re experiencing St. Louis’ best-tasting menu, be amazed by circus performers on the central stage from our partners at Circus Flora!

Why should I support Bites at The Big Top?

Did you know that more than 7,000 kids enter the Missouri foster care system each year? That is an average of 19 children per day. The Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition was created to fill gaps in our child-welfare system. We find forever families for children in foster care and support parents on the frontlines of helping our kids heal. We call ourselves a Coalition because it takes everyone – parents, volunteers, donors, and advocates – to make sure children leave foster care quickly and have a real chance to heal and grow.

When is Bites at The Big Top?

Wednesday, April 26th, from 5:00 – 8:00 pm.

Where is the event?

Grand Center, 3401 Washington Ave., St. Louis, MO 63103

Purchase your tickets today! 100% of proceeds from ticket sales will go to funding the Coalition’s 30 recruitment and support programs.

Our spectacular partners will join us at The Big Top in Grand Center to showcase their food and drinks – all donated to support our mission.

Olive + Oak

Mission Taco Joint

2nd Shift Brewing

4 Hands Brewing Company

Urban Chestnut Brewing Company

Peacemaker Lobster & Crab Co.

Balkan Treat Box

Salt + Smoke

Andria’s

Narwhal’s Crafted

Juniper

Baileys’ Range

16-year-old Kendell works hard at his studies, is a deep thinker, and flourishes in conversations about things he loves, like antique cars, food, and sports! Kendell is calm, cool, and collected. He has handled challenging situations with maturity. If you ask Kendell what he likes, the answer is quite literally everything. Kendell enjoys basketball, jujitsu, cars, zombie movies, reading books, going for walks, video games, poker, and fashion… to name a few! Kendell has never been camping but would like to give it a try, as he enjoys being outdoors and finds going for long walks peaceful. He could be described as a restaurant connoisseur. A few of his favorites include Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, Maggiano’s, Kobe’s Steakhouse, and Imo’s Pizza.

Kendell is looking for his forever family. He would love to be part of an active family that enjoys doing things together. He isn’t picky when it comes to having siblings or not, but he would love to have his own room and someone to teach him how to drive a car. He is currently working on studying for his learner’s permit!

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Maddie Bobbitt – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e maddiebobbitt@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Meet Javion! Javion is a confident and outgoing 14-year-old. Javion loves to play and watch sports, but basketball is his absolute favorite. Javion is very friendly & enjoys making and hanging out with friends his age. One of Javion’s favorite things to do is ride his BMX bike around the neighborhood with the other neighborhood teens.

Javion’s dream day would include going to a basketball game, going out to eat at a fast food place of his choice, and going to the movies with friends.

All family types will be considered for Javion.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Maddie Bobbitt – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e maddiebobbitt@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Meet 11-year-old Khalia. Khalia is a girly girl firecracker. She loves all things fashion and is up on all the latest trends. She enjoys shopping for colorful outfits that match her personality and working on her nails. When she isn’t working on her fashion, she is found putting together dance routines

 she has learned with her friends. This girl has got some moves!!! Khalia’s favorite sport is gymnastics but she also really enjoys cheerleading and dance.

Khalia really enjoys school. She is always up for a challenge, so naturally, her favorite subject is Math. She enjoys making new friends at school and can carry a conversation about anything. She is a social butterfly who wouldn’t want to be around that bubbly energy, right? Around the house, Khalia likes to be helpful. She will volunteer to assist in the kitchen or clean up just to be around you. She is very quick to bond with animals, especially dogs.

Khalia is an affectionate little girl. She thrives off of praise for good behavior and consistency throughout her day. But the true way to her heart is through a caramel frappe as her go-to treat. If you are interested in an active, fun-loving fashionista Khalia is your girl.

Click the link to watch Khalia’s A Place to Call Home feature: Khalia’s APTCH Feature

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Genesis Elkin – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e genesiselkin@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

While becoming a licensed foster parent may be the most apparent way to benefit children in foster care, there are several other ways to make a direct impact on the lives of children in care. Whether you’re giving time, money,  or material support, the effort you put forth for children in foster care is always recognized and appreciated.

Become a Respite Care Provider

Foster parents are busy bees, and many would appreciate the extra help! After you’re registered and approved to be a respite care provider, take your kiddo to the park and enjoy the weather! In the summer, stop for an ice cream cone or cool off at the movie theater. If it’s too cold, rent some ice skates and embrace the chill while working on a skill together! To learn more and apply, visit dss.mo.gov/respite-care. 

Become a Court Appointed Special Advocate

Another way to stand in solidarity with children in foster care is to become a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA). There are chapters across the nation, including a St. Louis chapter! CASA is a national association in the United States that supports and promotes court-appointed advocates to stand up and speak out for abused or neglected children in the foster care system. CASA volunteers are compassionate community members who complete training provided by the state or local CASA office. To learn more and sign up, visit nationalcasagal.org/be-a-casa-gal-volunteer. 

Volunteer

The Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition is always hosting events and activities for volunteers to help with. Volunteers are the heartbeat of our organization, and our work would not be possible without them. There are volunteer opportunities that fit every schedule and lifestyle. Help pass out backpacks during our Back-to-School Bonanza! Pick up a shift to help tag, sort, and organize donated clothes at our new-and-improved thrift store, ReFresh! Host and supervise some fun as a Foster Friend! Are you connected to a community of those willing to give? Host a clothing or fundraising drive at your place of worship, school, or place of work. To read more about these wonderful volunteer experiences and many more, visit www.foster-adopt.org/volunteer. 

Donate

Birthdays and holidays are some of the most exciting times in a child’s life. For some in foster care, traditions and gifts aren’t attainable due to family finances. At the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition, there are multiple ways to make these special days brighter for a child in care, by providing a child with a gift of their choice. For example, you can choose to sponsor a kiddo on their birthday by paying for a party, present, or activity they’ve been wanting to try. Our Holiday Little Wishes program provides donors with the opportunity to purchase holiday gifts for children in foster care. Our Family Enrichment and Volunteer team works assiduously to ensure the holiday wishes of thousands of children are granted each year. Click here for more information on Birthday Buddies and Little Wishes! 

Finally, the Coalition allows supporters to initiate a monthly pledge or make a one-time donation. You can also donate in a friend’s name, or in memory or honor of a loved one. We also have our Now & Forever Society, a group of some of our most passionate supporters, dedicated to creating sustainably funded, long-term solutions in foster care and adoption. Our Development Staff can help you consider which options might best match your philanthropic goals. Call us at 314-367-8373, or reach us by email at kylewilliams@foster-adopt.org. Click here to learn more about giving a one-time donation or becoming a monthly donor! 

There are a wide variety of ways you can support children in foster care and their families. It’s important to note the significance of togetherness, and the idea that it takes a village to raise a child. The Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition prides itself on providing safe, nurturing homes, and a support system for foster and adoptive families as they fulfill the physical, mental, and emotional needs of the children in their care. Consider joining our mission, For Every Child…A Place to Call Home! 

What is Little Wishes?

Little Wishes is the most magical time of the year here at the Coalition! Through our longstanding partnership with KSDK 5 On Your Side, we provide thousands of gifts each year to children impacted by foster care. Since 2005, donors have ensured every child who has spent time in foster care in our region receives gifts for the holidays.

We can’t thank you enough for making this such a special time for our kids and families. Time and time again, we hear from foster and adoptive parents how much it means to know that people like you are thinking of them during the holidays.

From the bottom of our hearts, thank you for always thinking of our kids!

It truly takes our entire community to make this project happen. Every child who has spent time in St. Louis foster care is eligible for Little Wishes. In Missouri, that means kids and youth in St. Louis City and County as well as Jefferson, St. Charles, Franklin, Lincoln, and Warren Counties. In Illinois, we serve families in Madison, St. Clair, Bond, Clinton, Monroe, Randolph, and Washington Counties. All ages are eligible, which means infants all the way up to 21-year-old youth preparing to age out of foster care.

How Does Little Wishes Work?

Each year in August, the Coalition mails out a catalog to foster, adoptive, and guardianship parents. We also share it via email and text message. Parents can sign up online, by phone, or through their caseworker.

Once caregivers submit their child’s Little Wishes, staff and volunteers input all the data into our system. This typically takes all the way up until the middle of November, as children are still entering care or moving to new placements.

Once all data is in our system, volunteers begin shopping for Little Wishes! We use Amazon and Walmart to maximize our donor dollars. We also have longstanding partnerships with several vendors to provide toys and experiences for our kids. Because we buy in bulk, we often get better deals than what individual donors would get on their own.

Behind the scenes during the month of November, our team is ensuring every Little Wish appears on our website for purchase. About one week before Thanksgiving, every Wish appears on our website and is available for purchase by you, the donor.

As you purchase Little Wishes, our “Holiday Elves” (volunteers) arrange to have each gift shipped directly to the child’s home, which has been tied to the product you click on our website via our system. From the families’ perspective, it is truly a seamless experience!

Our Partnership with KSDK 5 On Our Side

KSDK 5 On Our Side has partnered with the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition since 2005, encouraging their audience to support Little Wishes. Because of KSDK 5 On Your Side, the Coalition has been able to grant 83,380 Little Wishes and counting! Our program allows children impacted by foster care to enjoy childhood experiences and have a magical holiday. For many, buying Holiday Little Wishes has now become a family tradition. We are grateful for the partnership of KSDK 5 On Your Side.

Shopping Tips

There are thousands of wishes available for purchase! It can be a little overwhelming to know what to choose. Here are a few tips to make your Little Wish shopping experience meaningful, practical, and more efficient.

Make it more meaningful. Whether you are granting a Little Wish as a present for a loved one or just for the joy of it, you can use the filter options on the webpage to personalize your gift with thoughtful details to make granting wishes more meaningful. Some of the ways we’ve seen shoppers do this over the years:

– Selecting wishes with the same name as the donor’s own children, grandchildren, siblings, relatives, or friends. Use the filter tool “Search by Child’s Name.”

– Selecting wishes for kids of the same age as the donor’s own children, grandchildren, or other special children in their lives. We’ve also seen shoppers target a special age group they are passionate about supporting, such as older youth. Use the tool “Filter by Child’s Age.”

Shop Savvy. You can use the “Filter by Price” tool to narrow gift options by your preferred price point. This is a super helpful tool if you know exactly how much money you’d like to spend, as well as for planning several gifts to fit within your allotted budget.

Shop quickly. Holiday Wishes go FAST! And everyone is shopping at the same time. This means that gifts in your cart might sometimes become unavailable if another shopper purchases it first. This will mess up your order, and you’ll need to add items to your cart again. This can be frustrating and will require patience. One way to limit this risk is to shop at nontraditional times when others aren’t online. That could mean the early morning, later evening, or during lunch or dinner hours.

Use the tips above to help you plan your purchase, and once you’ve got your cart together, keep the process moving!

We want to make this process as smooth as possible for you. If you have recurring issues with your cart, please contact us at 314-367-8373, and we will be glad to help with your order.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

1. Is this really what the child requested? Why do so many children request the same thing?

In August, we send a holiday gift catalog to all eligible families. The 2022 catalog offered 205 toy and gift options. The wishes that sell out most quickly are experiences, and the wishes that tend to take the longest to sell out are things like shoes or gift cards, which older youth tend to prefer.

2. Why is the cost on your website higher than what I can buy it for on Amazon?

In August, we develop a catalog of hundreds of gifts for kids to choose from. The catalog is based on the full price of the item because we don’t know what the actual price will be in December.

For the donor, the amount is calculated like this:

• • Full price of toy, plus
  • Shipping to foster parent’s home, plus
  • Postage for us to send notification to foster parents, plus
  • Printing for the notifications, plus
  • 15% administrative fee (This is the only time of the year we charge a fee, which covers the many hours of staff time invested in the program. This way, we’re not taking away from the general operating funds that allow us to find homes for kids in foster care.)

If we are able to get gifts on sale, the “extra” money is used to grant Little Wishes throughout the year. These funds are tracked in a separate bank account to ensure the donor’s intent is fulfilled.

3. Why can’t I directly donate gifts I bought at a store?

We know it can be fun to pick something up off a shelf and know that it will end up in the hands of a child who has spent time in foster care! That’s why we do our absolute best to give you a sense of connection to the child whose wish you granted by providing their name, age, and specific gift for every Little Wish.

Coordinating the receipt, repackaging, and shipping of physically donated gifts is unfortunately not feasible given the scope of the program: more than 4,000 Little Wishes are granted each year! The other issue is confidentiality. Allowing direct shipping, which would get around the enormous cost in staff time of our team repackaging donations, would risk giving donors confidential information about our families.

We hope this guide is helpful and improves your Little Wishes shopping experience. Little Wishes makes the holidays brighter for our kids, and we could not do it without you! Your generosity helps ensure children in foster care do not feel forgotten during the holidays. Thank you, and happy shopping! 🙂

Chris (13) and Mikail (10) are brothers searching for their forever family. Ask these brothers which superhero is best; they can talk endlessly about Black Panther, Superman, The Flash, and other Marvel/DC heroes! Building new and inventive Lego structures show just how creative these boys are! Pour out a box of Legos for Chris and Mikail, and they will be busy for hours.

Mikail may be more reserved than his big brother, but you would never know it in the school setting! He is eager to learn and even more eager to answer any question his teachers may ask him, even if he doesn’t always know the answer. He wants to help out others, and when asked, Mikail will always volunteer first! Mikail is well-liked by his peers and teachers.

Chris is outgoing, silly, and makes others smile easily. He loves music, sports, and Family Feud! This young thinker really enjoys science, but math is his strong suit. While bored and flipping through books recently, Chris thought he would add up all the pages in the room. Even without a calculator, Chris located the last page of each book, added the pages up in his head, and came to a CORRECT total!

A Place to Call Home Feature: https://www.ksdk.com/article/entertainment/television/show-me-st-louis/a-place-to-call-home-chris-and-mikail/63-6f20938e-d110-43fe-b7c7-90d222a03fc1

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Niquisha Adail – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e niquishaadail@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

4 Steps to Foster Hope Day

1. Donate and enter to win one of our incredible raffle prizes.
2. Share our social media posts, forward our emails and tell your friends about us. We’ll be live throughout the day on Facebook (Miss anything? Don’t worry, videos will also be posted on the Charidy page after airing live on Facebook).
3. Assemble a fundraising team! Creating your own mini-fundraiser is one of the most impactful ways to serve as an ambassador for our kids and make the most out of your gift.  More info on teams.
4. Sponsor and make Foster Hope Day wildly successful. Because of their help, last year’s Foster Hope Day exceeded the goal by 92%! Not only do our sponsors give us a head start to Foster Hope Day fundraising, but sponsor donations are pooled into a one-on-one match fund to double donations made on November 15.

What is Foster Hope Day?

Foster Hope Day is a fun, virtual day of giving to benefit children impacted by foster care and the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition.

Why should I donate?

You can win big AND support kids in foster care. Not only do your donations help the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition help families, but they also enter you to win amazing raffle prizes throughout the day. Donations all day will have a 2X match, thanks to our super sponsors!

Did you know that more than 7,000 kids enter the Missouri foster care system each year? That is an average of 19 children per day. The Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition was created to fill gaps in our child-welfare system. We find forever families for children in foster care and support parents on the frontlines of helping our kids heal. We call ourselves a Coalition because it takes everyone – parents, volunteers, donors, and advocates – to make sure children leave foster care quickly and have a real chance to heal and grow.

When is Foster Hope Day?

8:00am – 8:00pm on Tuesday, November 15th.

Where is the event?

This is a fully-virtual, online event. We will be streaming live throughout the day on our Facebook page, and you can make a donation to benefit the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition at Charidy.com/FosterCare.

How can I win hourly raffle prizes? Make a minimum donation of $10 at www.charidy.com/fostercare during that hour, and you are automatically entered to win.

Hourly raffle prize rules: between 8:00 am and 7:59 pm, each time you make a minimum donation of $10 at Charidy.com/fostercare, you will receive a prompt for one of two hourly raffle prizes. Click your choice, and you are automatically entered. We will accept only one entry per hour, so multiple donations during an hour will not help your chances. Make sure to plan ahead!

Facebook Live Stream

• Tune in to the Facebook Live Stream to watch videos and stay up-to-date on hourly raffle prizes!
• Videos will also be posted on the Charidy page after airing live on Facebook.

On Foster Hope Day/Tuesday, November 15, you can help the Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition raise money and help our mission by creating your own team! Last year, teams that were assembled raised more than $77,000! Wow!

Visit Charidy.com/fostercare to create your team today!

What is a team?

• A team is a mini-campaign where you set your own fundraising goal that goes toward the coalition’s goal. It takes less than 5 minutes to create!
• Once created, you will have your own link to share on social media, email, and even texting!
• Your friends and family are more likely to give when you make a team

How does it work?

• Simply visit Charidy.com/fostercare, and click “create team”. A form will appear where you can choose your team name, decide your fundraising goal, and just like that, you have a team!
• Set your goal to whatever works best for you. If you were planning on giving $20, set your goal to $25, then you’ll know you’re going to hit it! Or, challenge your team to a bigger goal and go for $100.

Don’t forget! All donations are doubled, thanks to our amazing sponsors!

This year we have two prizes team leaders can win!

How to win!

• The team leader that raises the most will win a $50 gift card to O+O
• The team leader with the most donors will win a $50 gift card to O+O

Visit Charidy.com/fostercare to assemble your team today!

Our generous Sponsors make Foster Hope Day wildly successful. Because of their help, last year’s Foster Hope Day exceeded the goal by 92%! Not only do our sponsors give us a head start to Foster Hope Day fundraising, but sponsor donations are pooled into a one-on-one match fund to double donations made on November 15th.

Healing

Anonymous 

Texas Roadhouse 

Integrity

Tina Amrein 

Donald & Elizabeth Cobin 

Dowd Bennett 

Edward Jones 

Kennedy Capital Mgmt, Inc. 

The Lueken Group 

The Raley Family 

Empathy

Anonymous 

Cass Information 

Systems 

Pat & Jim Duft 

First Bank 

George & Barb Giudici

Katherine & David Kirby 

Tim & Debra Niemann 

Melanie Scheetz & 

Bruce Reed 

Stifel Bank & Trust 

Courage

Joe & Marcia Ambrose 

Ryan & Jessica Blackburn 

CI Select 

Rachel & David Eidelman

Jim Butler Maserati 

Stephen & Jennifer McGillivary

Mission Taco Joint 

Music that RECLAIMs 

JP & Jaime Perry 

Bob Quatmann 

Larry & Clare Quatmann 

Alexandra Schnarre, John Schnarre & Mary McMath  

David & Christina Schoemehl 

Innovation

Jack Abels 

Andria’s Food Group 

Anonymous 

Axes Physical Therapy 

Jared & Urmila Baumann

David & DeAnn Bell 

Christine & James Cocayne 

Patty Corum & Brent Underwood 

Wendy & Paul Dyer 

Mary & John Gunther 

Mark & Julie Kiehl 

Jennifer Lynch 

Marsh & McLennan Companies 

Tom & Pam Noack 

Mike & Julie Normile 

Jackie Olinger Rochelle & Michael Rochelle 

Marty & Andrea Stammer 

Leah Stroup 

Warehouse of Fixtures, TNG

Cari & Brandon Wegge 

Supporters

Coltrane Systems 

Mike Normile Sr. & Christine Normile

Shannon Downey Turpin 

Ronald Zimmer 

Faith is a happy-go-lucky five-year-old who loves interacting with other kids and makes friends easily. Faith started Kindergarten this year and is so excited about school. She loves books and likes to be read to. Faith knows sight words and can count up to twenty. She identifies letters and numbers and knows her alphabet. Faith likes to be independent, and she’s very determined.

Faith is very active; she enjoys riding her adaptive bike and going for walks. Faith has a sense of humor and makes up jokes. Faith likes playing with mega blocks and her baby dolls (she enjoys being the mommy). Her favorite thing to watch is “Ryan’s World” on YouTube. Her favorite color is purple, and she loves to accessorize her outfits from top to bottom. Faith’s favorite foods are cheese pizza, chicken and fish. Faith has a bit of a sweet tooth, and if left to her own devices, she’ll choose chocolate bars and plain M & M’s.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Niquisha Adail – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e niquishaadail@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Kinship care refers to the care of children by relatives or close family friends. There are two main aspects of kinship care. “Relative kinship” care refers to the child being cared for by a relative. However, the term “kin” encompasses this and “fictive kinship”, which refers to all non-relatives.  

This kind of kinship care can come from a variety of trusted figures in the child’s life: an aunt by marriage, godparent(s), a neighbor, or teacher. In some cases, a kinship placement could even be with a person who has a close relationship with the child or child’s family.  

One main reason for the variety of placement opportunities is that the overarching goal is to keep children within their family trees, thus keeping families connected, and eventually reuniting them with their biological parents. While every child in foster care has their own journey, there are many benefits for children who are placed with kin.  

The Coalition’s 30 Days to Family® team facilitates many kinship placements through a process called family finding. Team Director Shonetta Reed says that kinship is more about the child’s relationships than who is next in their bloodline. Kinship placements are generally more beneficial for children long term, compared to the child being placed with a non-kinship family, or the “traditional” foster care placement. A child not placed with relatives or kin faces the possibility of multiple moves, whereas children placed with kin can more easily establish a sense of permanency.  

When children are successfully placed with kin, they are more likely to be reunited with their families. These children also have a higher chance of remaining within their social circles, support networks, and cultural environments because it’s plausible that the kinship placement is near the child’s initial home, and that the kin relative/non-relative is familiar with the child’s family context. Reed says the family context involves the child’s culture, which is a huge factor that must be taken into consideration. Even very young children have an established idea of their culture, their regularities, where they come from, and where they have a sense of belonging. Reed also highlights the fear factor when a child is placed in a foster home with no prior knowledge of the family they now live with. “We as adults are scared to go into the unknown – but imagine as a child, being literally dropped off in the unknown?” says Reed. 

While the Coalition has several programs and supports in place for a child needing kinship placement, there can be many barriers to obtaining these placements. Perhaps most expected is the legal system. Before a child can be placed with a relative, the team connected to the case (caseworkers, advocates, family members, etc.) must agree on the placement. Depending on how many individuals are involved, disagreements can arise. This can be regarding a family member’s feelings toward a kinship relative seeking placement of the child or even the child’s feelings toward the kinship relative in question. Kinship placements tend to be more emotionally intricate due to the difficulties associated with enforcing child welfare rules amongst kin, especially regarding the child’s contact with their parent(s). That complexity is also a strength; friends, neighbors, and extended family often also have existing relationships with these children, and that often leads to a wider community of support for the caregivers. While all potential foster parents must complete training and licensure, placing a child with kin can be much quicker, with agreement from the team working on the case. 

Both kinship caregivers and foster parents must receive some sort of license. However, while traditional foster parent licensing can take up to six months, kinship relative licensing usually takes around 90 days. It’s also preferred by the courts and teams involved that families become licensed rather than obtaining court-ordered placement. Additionally, the kinship licensing process is valid only for the child/children involved in the case, whereas licensed foster parents are approved to care for a diverse group of children who may enter their homes. The key difference between licensing kin relatives and foster parents is the length of class time. Relatives take a one-day, nine-hour STARS (Specialized Training Assessment Resources and Support) course while traditional families require 27 hours of STARS. 

Despite the shorter turnaround process, the Coalition and other agencies have several systems in place to access a child’s relatives and non-relatives to continuously assess which placement will be most beneficial for the family. There is a placement hierarchy to delineate the most ideal locations for children to be placed if not with their biological parents. Of course, this hierarchy consists of relatives and non-relatives. To show how far child advocates will go, Reed says even a sports coach or the parents of the child’s friend would be worth contacting if necessary. 

Kinship is just one among many factors when assessing the most beneficial placement for a child. “It takes a village” refers to the all-hands-on-deck mentality when supporting and raising children. This is arguably more prevalent with children in the foster care system. The Coalition and organizations alike dedicate their resources and time to making sure all areas of kinship placement are as seamless as possible for the child and their family members, from relocation to reunification. This kind of teamwork, empathy, initiative, and dedication can make a huge impact on a child’s life. Every child has their own journey; they trust and rely on us as adults to guide them. Children flourish when they are with their families, enveloped in their own culture, and connected to what makes them feel a sense of belonging and autonomy. Throughout the kinship process, it’s important to uphold the overarching goals of all child advocates: protect the safety and well-being of children, while fostering an environment full of compassion, strength, and determination to reunite children with their families. 

Over 23,000 children age out of the foster care system each year. Children who age out of foster care are removed from their foster homes to live independently upon their 18th, 19th, 20th, or 21st birthday (the age at which one ages out depends on the State and foster home). Once they age out, many are left with no support system or resources to help them navigate young adulthood. While services do exist, they are often poorly connected and rarely meet the child where they’re at. As a result, half of the children who age out of foster care become immediately unhoused or incarcerated. LGBTQIA+ youth, older youth, disabled youth, and Black youth are disproportionately impacted. Disabled youth, in particular, are twice as likely to age out compared to their able-bodied counterparts.

In other words, each year, thousands of marginalized youth—a fourth of whom have PTSD diagnoses—are thrust into adulthood with no resources or counsel and are expected to thrive. They are held to the same societal standards for success as young adults who have had a solid foundation and consistent resources. It is no surprise that after years of experiencing structural roadblocks and trauma, children who age out go on to struggle in adulthood. Only half will be employed at age 24, and only 3% will earn a college degree.

To address this issue, Congress enacted the Fostering Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act of 2008, which permits States to lift the age at which individuals can be adopted or enter legal guardianship to 19, 20, or 21, creating another pathway to permanence for young adults exiting care.

Adult adoption provides young adults with the love and support needed to help them navigate a pivotal, often tumultuous time in their lives. No one should have to do it alone.

The adult adoption process is much more straightforward and streamlined than the process of adopting a child. Adult adoption usually takes six months to one year to complete, whereas adopting a minor takes about 9-18 months. The reason for this being that Termination of Parental Rights (TPR) doesn’t need to happen for an adult adoption; the adoptee doesn’t need to live with the person adopting them for at least 6 months (as is the case when adopting a minor); the person/family adopting the adult also doesn’t need to be licensed (meaning they do not need to go through the lengthy licensing process). To adopt an adult, you must obtain the adoptee’s consent, complete some paperwork, and set a court date.

The Process for Adopting an Adult Out of Foster Care

Step 1: The adult (18-21) in foster care consents to the adoption.

Step 2: The adoptive family hires an attorney familiar with adult adoption, files a petition with the court for the adult adoption, and fills out legal paperwork with their attorney.

Step 3: The adoptive family coordinates with their attorney to set a court date for the adoption hearing.

“The notion that once someone is 18, they can’t be adopted anymore is not true. Don’t count young adults in foster care out. They can be adopted. If you know of a young adult seeking a family, that’s still attainable for them.” — Maddie Bobbitt, Extreme Recruiter

Sources: Finally Family Homes, Peregrina Sails, National Foster Youth Institute, Missouri Department of Social Services

Happy Summer! 🌞

The Coalition’s got you covered if you are looking for fun ideas to make the most out of this summer with your family!

We have compiled a list of fun summer activities, including pools, festivals, and learning opportunities, for you and your kids. Free and low-cost options are included as well as activities for various ages and abilities. We hope you enjoy creating fun memories.

Click Here ➔ Guide to Summer Fun!

This spring was our first in-person event season since 2020—the most successful ever in Coalition history. And while the dollars raised and new supporters are incredible, the real story is the impact your investment will have on kids who have spent time in foster care.

This year our Give STL Day goal was $250,000—our largest one yet! In less than 24 hours, more than 400 donors came together to support the Coalition’s mission and helped us raise $265,595 for our kids. We are simply blown away by your generosity!

We could not be more grateful for the commitment you have to our kids. You joined hundreds of like-minded individuals who believe every child deserves the support of a family. Your gift allows our expert teams to find families for our community’s most at-risk children and support those families as they help kids heal.

Your gift will go on to do amazing things, like find a home for a 17-year-old girl about to age out of foster care without a permanent family. Or quickly place three siblings who have never been separated into the home of their cousin, so they don’t get split up. Your gift will put our highly trained and talented clinicians in the home of new foster parents struggling to support a child with autism and PTSD. Your gift will keep a ten-year-old boy in school and create a therapeutic plan that helps his single foster mom support the child’s education.

In short, your gift will transform the life of a child in foster care. They will never know it was you who made that transformation possible, but we do, and we hope you take a moment to appreciate it too.

Special Thanks to the Berges Family Foundation for doubling the Give STL match this year! We are grateful for your generous support to children impacted by foster care. Thank you for all you do to lift up the St. Louis community!

St. Louis’ most fashionable folks joined us at the Hilton Frontenac on April 21st for a fabulous fundraising night to benefit children impacted by foster care.

Our guests enjoyed the most incredible auction featuring hundreds of designer handbags, as well as an evening full of delicious food, live music, and fun surprises. We are grateful for each one of you who brought your incredible energy and fun spirits, creating a vibrant atmosphere for what was the best Hope in a Handbag event yet.

This was our first in-person event since the beginning of 2020, and with a total of 312 tickets sold, you helped us raise $152,040!! It was a record-breaking year for ticket sales, and we are thrilled!

We hope you’re enjoying your new handbags!

Millennial Madness Trivia Night finally took place after two long years of being canceled because of COVID-19! In the end, the Junior Board of the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition raised $15,333, exceeding their goal of $15,000. The sold-out event was a night of fun, laughs, and generosity. Our sincere thanks go out to Urban Chestnut for providing the best venue space we have ever had! Big shout out to Todd, Porta Party DJs, who kept the energy high and hosted an amazing event!

Last but certainly not least, we would like to thank our generous sponsors for both 2022 and 2020, which were canceled due to the pandemic.

Breaking Trends

In addition to the records broken in attendance, total donors, and total dollars raised, we’re seeing some awesome trends at the Coalition that buck national norms. While nationally, nonprofits are seeing the same total dollars raised come from fewer and wealthier donors, at the Coalition, we are seeing our efforts to engage grassroots and midlevel donors pay enormous dividends. Some data since the start of COVID:

1. Grassroots donations to Give STL Day (under $100) grew 52% since 2019, with the number of grassroots donors growing by 72% (184 in 2019 to 317 in 2022).
2. Midlevel donations (between $100 and $999) saw the most growth of any category on a percentage basis, increasing by 212% since 2019. And the number of individuals donating at that level increased by 123% (73 in 2019 to 163 in 2022).

What’s more, this has all happened while achieving substantial growth in our Giving Society (donors giving more than $1,000 annually) over the same period.

We call ourselves a Coalition because it takes people from all walks of life, giving in whatever way they can, to change a system as complex and substantial as foster care. Having robust support at every level ensures our agency is sustainable, which means the maximum number of kids and families receive our innovative services.

Stay Tuned

The Fostering Connections to Success and Increasing Adoptions Act of 2008 permits States to lift the age at which individuals can be adopted or enter legal guardianship to 19, 20, or 21, creating another pathway to permanence for young adults exiting care. If you’ve ever been curious about adult adoption and the journeys of older youth navigating the foster care system, stay tuned for our August blog discussing the impact of and process for adult adoption and aging out of foster care.

Shyanne is a nurturing and spirited fourteen-year-old girl. She is described as energetic, imaginative, and sociable. She loves to have her hair done, especially if it is put up in a fancy hair style. Shyanne is a social butterfly and loves to talk with everyone she sees. She prefers to play indoors with her stuffed animals, dolls, and toys. Shyanne is a SpongeBob expert! Her favorite character is Patrick. She loves food – eating and talking about it!

Shyanne is in the 7th grade and has an Individual Education Plan to assist her as she is delayed academically.

Overall, Shyanne is physically healthy. She is prescribed medication, which she takes daily. Shyanne attends weekly trauma-focused individual therapy.

This is not a legal risk placement as termination of parental rights has occurred. The ideal adoptive family for Shyanne would be a loving family with trauma-informed parenting experience and behavioral training. The family should be Level A trained or be willing to complete Level A training. The adoptive family should have a strong support network locally and have the ability to establish consistent, firm, but loving rules and consequences.

All family types will be considered for Shyanne. Homestudied families from all states will be considered.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Maddie Bobbitt – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e maddiebobbitt@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Ronald is a quirky and friendly eleven-year-old boy. He is described as initially shy, inquisitive, and playful. Ronald enjoys playing outside on the playground and riding his bike and scooter. He loves Sonic the Hedgehog and playing card games. He likes a variety of animals but especially loves marine life and reptiles. Ronald can be a picky eater at times but has recently started trying new foods. If you ask him where he’d like to go eat, he would gladly tell you Taco Bell!

Ronald is in the 4th grade and has an Individual Education Plan to assist him as he is delayed academically.

Overall, Ronald is physically healthy. He is prescribed medication, which he takes daily. Ronald attends weekly trauma-focused individual therapy.

This is not a legal risk placement as termination of parental rights has occurred. The ideal adoptive family for Ronald would be a loving family with trauma-informed parenting experience and behavioral training. The family should be Level A trained or be willing to complete Level A training. The adoptive family should have a strong support network locally and have the ability to establish consistent, firm, but loving rules and consequences.

All family types will be considered for Ronald. Homestudied families from all states will be considered.

For more information, contact Ronald’s Extreme Recruiter:

Maddie Bobbitt

Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition

(314)724-0811

maddiebobbitt@foster-adopt.org

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

“African Americans adopt more than anyone, we just do it informally. It is a part of our history and culture.”

Our local community is in desperate need of more African American foster parents. Why?

Racial disproportionality is a pervasive issue in child welfare. In St. Louis alone, African American children represent nearly 70% of kids in foster care, but less than 1/3 of the general population. Furthermore, only 13% of local foster parents are African American. Twice the number of African American children are placed into foster care compared to Caucasian children. African American children remain in foster care nearly a year longer than their white counterparts, creating more trauma and instability in these children’s lives

We know that children placed within culturally similar foster homes have a better chance to heal. Several studies show that having a strong, positive cultural identity leads to greater self-esteem, higher education levels, better psychological adjustment, improved coping abilities, and decreased levels of loneliness and depression. At the same time, having a strong cultural identity contributes to high levels of social well-being.

A vital step in dismantling social injustices in foster care is implementing anti-racist practices that safely support children in their families and communities of origin. But that is not always possible. As a result, local African American children are routinely placed in Caucasian homes. This is a rare civil rights issue with a proven solution.

In the 1900s, there was a model developed by St. Louis African American foster parents – called RESPOND – that provides a roadmap to ensuring African American children are placed in foster homes that reflect their ethnicity, race, and culture.

With the blessing of the founding RESPOND families, we are reestablishing RESPOND as a program of the Coalition. Natasha Leonard, Coalition’s Director of External Relations, had the privileged to interview the RESPOND program founders, Howard and Vicky Denson, and Rose Wallls. Here is what we learned from them:

NL: Why did you become a foster parent and what barriers did you face? African American children being overrepresented in the agency is not new; what was your first negative experience with the system that made you both think, if we are going to make a change we have to create the unique space for this change?

VD: We went straight to adoption. We decided that adoption was for us, we searched out some agencies and found out that they wanted a hefty sum for a black child. We offered them a donation equal to the fee and they said no. Children’s Home Society was having trouble finding Black parents for children. We found another two that wanted to adopt and started a parents’ group. It didn’t make sense for the agency to charge so much for Black kids. Most Black families don’t have big money to pay for an adoption.

HD: To offer an agency a donation instead of their fee and for them to say no, that was the catalyst. After identifying the North American Council on American Children (NACAC), we started targeting their conventions and workshops and meeting the people in the industry, and learning about the barriers. It became clear that no one was attacking these areas of disparity. After finding out what was funding those parts of NACAC we looked into the Adoption Opportunity Grant. We named that grant Once and For All. We wanted to prove “once and for all” that African Americans would stand up to take care of our own children. These barriers were compounding one on top of the other so we found Rose Walls and turned her loose! After the grant, we went to the conference to bring all the grantees together. Rose, went to the conference and when she finished speaking everyone in the room knew they were in the presence of royalty.

NL: Tell us about the start of RESPOND and your experiences with rolling out this program.

RW:  We became involved with RESPOND because we were foster/adoptive parents. When the job became open, I applied and thought, “Okay I think I would enjoy this work.” We were lucky we had some paid spots with the university with practicum students. We had a very dynamic staff, they were excited enthusiastic, and committed. They were all willing to work nights and weekends for this program. Rolling out the program, we wanted to do informal research to find out the barriers. I gave everyone the task to sign up for foster parent training and to call and visit an agency to find out the criteria of what’s needed to be a foster parent. That was the most important thing I did, there was judgment on where you live, there was a lot of maltreatment around single males, some people were pushed to international adoption, and the fees were all over the place. It was a maze! How are we going to support and train people when it’s a maze to figure out. There was an inconsistency of standards and a lack of information on subsides. When we looked at all these barriers we were able to design aimed or meeting those needs.

For example, you would call and ask for information and it would take three weeks to get back. With RESPOND you would get a call back within 24 hours and a home visit within 48 hours. We had two support Groups. One was called Imani, to help people go through the process every two weeks. We really helped people process their fears and overcome barriers. The second one was called Kumba, which means creativity, this was people with placements already or they were foster parents. They came together every month and we would find out about typical problems with bonding, and share strategies to overcome the issues. They were aimed to go 90 minutes but would go hours just due to the excitement. We wanted to create a safe space to get information but also advocacy and support. That was a very important part of our program to provide support for this community. We did training for our staff as well as child welfare in the private and public sectors. We did training on the adoption bill, Hispanic and Latino culture, Native American disparities, as well as advocacy and awareness, advocating for the families and the child and creating awareness in the public. As far as recruitment, the first year we were going to find 100 homes for 100 families, we met that within 6-months. We had an active staff, board, and volunteers/members that were willing to do anything to meet the needs. They would lend their skills, resources, and time. The graduate students really helped us reach the public, Curtis Williams made an effort to always be in the community. He made a list of every black professional group and we got on their calendar. Everyone else was saturated with the churches, we found more success in the professional groups. We even used the census to find out where the middle class and upper-class Black families were.

HD:  Two major focuses in the grant were to raise awareness of the need, and the second was to kill the myths. The myths were destroying us and acting as an underground code to filter us out. We needed to squash the myths and raise awareness to get parents. When Rose arrived she said, “It might be nice to have some programming.” Who Rose was had a lot to do with the success. It was her sincerity and competency, and she became the face of adoption for our community. She became an expert in the field gaining so much respect she changed policy and effected change. She was quietly changing adoption policies that were serving African American children and that was really important. Rose and her staff made sure to match parents with the right agencies. There was constant monitoring to make sure that each match was going correctly. The industry had nothing but respect for what RESPOND was doing. It was just hard to believe that something like this could be successful that quick.

RW: Vickie did phenomenal work from the first support group bringing together families and interracial families. We had a pool of volunteers to reach out to in case they couldn’t reach us. That was an informal dimension that made it really personable. It gave them another support person to go through the process.

HD:  The home visits were designed to be a preemptive strike against all the barriers. When they left the parents were empowered and engaged to deal with the systems. It became a central point of contact, information, and support. The disparity of African American children being overrepresented in foster care is not new.

NL: Tell us about the first RESPOND team?

RW: Our staff was really just three people. Rose was the team leader and created programs, Curtis Mullins did recruitment, and Janelle George was over public relations and marketing. Curtis reached community events and networks, he did public service announcements with Mayor Boseley. He was always looking for outreach and coordinating the team to get us out to people. We did public events. For trainers, we brought in people from the community. Spaulding for Children was one of the best. At that point, any child over age five, a sibling group, or a minority child was considered special needs. Because those were the children they were having trouble getting out of the system. Elaine Frontier helped educate about the Indian Child Welfare Act (ICWA). There were many excellent people that came through but we had a few national ones as well. African Americans adopt more than anyone we just do it informally. It is a part of our history and culture. in the 1940’s & 50’s they didn’t even allow children to come into the system in some states. We tried to stay away from people who were already doing the work so we didn’t impede their efforts. We found out we could meet everyone in the community spaces we love and share, food stops, barbershops, laundromats, shops.

HD: To my knowledge, no one ever said no to RESPOND, from the St. Louis American running profiles, TV PSAs, Radio PSAs, I’m not sure if anyone ever said no. We had done all the work to establish ourselves.

NL: How does it feel to know the program you helped build that made such a difference will be rebooted in 2022 with ongoing funding and support from the state and community?

VD: We can’t be anything but thrilled and overjoyed. It was so sad to close it just due to money. To know that you guys are realizing it with enough funds and support to make a difference in what’s still a problem in the black community. The fact that a RESPOND adoptive kid was the one that helped spearhead the funding – just wow!

HD: It was sad when we had to close. I was convinced,” RESPOND WOULD LIVE AGAIN!” I remember when I shared Rose’s research with the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition to see how successful this was. When I learned that a freshman black female state Rep. helped convince Missouri to take the lead in making this happen, it was magnificent. There is a God, and I always believed it would come back.

RW: I’m hopeful. There are children waiting, and because there are children always waiting any initiative to try to move them out makes me hopeful.”

NL: What is one thing we must remember or something you’d like to tell those looking to foster/adopt as we navigate this important work?

HD: That initial match- Really vital to keep people continuing to be foster parents, we have to keep feeding positive experiences back. The match is so important in making sure the parents are equipped and ready for the needs of the child. Keep that match issue in the forefront of all you do.

HD: You cannot let the system constrain you, you have to stretch the system.

RW: We did targeted recruitment around special populations regarding those who would consider foster care and adoption. The empty-nesters took teenagers and they were used to the abuse, being yelled at, and sneaking out. They were used to having teenagers (the whole group laughs). We did targeted recruitment around Black Nurses Association and Black Social Workers Association, groups already capable of dealing with the issues. They didn’t even bat an eye at the issues our kids would have. Going after people who did it every day at work. Keep the focus on the love of these kids.

VD: Matching is so crucial, it’s so important. We hear in the news about matches that didn’t work. When you don’t do your homework to make sure it’s a good match that’s horrible for the child. That’s one of the most important things to remember while doing this work.

RW: Parents- Patience and flexibility because the system is slow. We have to be patient, flexible, and on top of our documentation to move things forward. Agencies- see the people beyond where they live, the resources they have, and embrace the love and excitement they have. Even though you all are doing this work every day, let this work energize you.

HD: Joy and Love. This should be the most joyous employment opportunity you’ve ever found. You have to believe you can. Celebrate every success, big or small, and have fun. Surround everybody in love, you can’t lose with that stuff. Don’t dare this in just STL or Missouri, this is a national issue. You have the chance to prove that this issue can be solved and save money in the process, think big, live big, and don’t keep your success a secret. Get deeply engaged in the national associations, make them jealous.

Looking forward…

The Coalition is ramping up to launch the RESPOND program in the St. Louis Community soon. It is our commitment to developing a robust program to meet this very urgent need. We have created a RESPOND Advisory Committee consisting of 18 professionals including; community volunteers, stakeholders, corporations, funders, and Governing and Junior Board Members. The committee exists to provide insight into program development, oversight of program outcomes, and community ambassadorship. Additionally, an in-house education and advocacy team will work to identify and address legislative roadblocks to RESPOND’s implementation.

 Jenny Jones is the RESPOND Program Director. Jenny has worked at the Coalition as a Family Development Specialist with the Jones program for over 5 years, providing extensive training and unparalleled support to community families seeking foster care licensure and adoption readiness. In this new role, she is looking forward to the future of RESPOND and the life-changing impact it will have on African American children entering foster care.

Jenny shared her passion and excitement with us at the end of this wonderful interview: “I’m passionate about this work. Building families has been a passion of mine for a very long time, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I’m even more passionate to make sure that our [African American] children have families that can support them, and look at them as more than just a number in their household but can see them for who they are, and be that person who is going to ensure that they are successful.

I just keep thinking about the future! In 80 years when none of us are on this earth, they will be here. So we all have the responsibility to ensure that they are going to be able to be successful when we are no longer here. I feel so honored to take is this role. I do not take it for granted.”

The RESPOND program will roll out in 2022 to increase the number of non-relative African American foster families for African American children in foster care.  We look forward to sharing more about this journey with you!

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Ashley (17) is an active, nurturing, and inquisitive teenager. She enjoys spending time in the outdoors and loves adventures that include camping and swimming. Spending time with animals and listening to music are also high on her list of favorite pastimes. She is a wonderful companion to other children and delights in caring for and playing with little ones. Her favorite colors are pink and blue like the swirls of cotton candy and she says that she could eat meatloaf and cheddar Chex mix at every meal! She is currently in the 11th grade.

Ashley is looking for a forever family that will always be there for her to support her dreams. She will flourish in a structured home environment with supportive, fun-loving parents who will be strong advocates. She would also love to be a big sister.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

2022 is the second year in a row that the Cinderella Project has been scaled down because of the COVID pandemic. During this time, we have not been able to provide girls with the full Cinderella experience, but our dedicated ReFresh team has found creative solutions for girls to still receive the prom gowns of their dreams. We have thousands of dresses in stock from prom seasons that were cancelled during the pandemic, and we are currently not accepting formal gown donations. We look forward to resuming the full event and receiving your generous donations next year. Thank you for your support.

Every young lady deserves to feel like Cinderella at her prom! The Cinderella Project was started in 2015 with the mission to provide prom dresses for girls in St. Louis who could not afford it otherwise. Over the years, the project has outfitted hundreds of girls with their dream gowns and accessories to look and feel fabulous for their special prom night.

The Cinderella Project has become much more than giving free prom dresses to girls impacted by foster care. It’s an experience! Our community truly shows up to make this special event possible. Whether folks donate dresses, volunteer as a personal shopper to help teens choose the perfect dress, pick up dresses at donation locations, or volunteer as a seamstress, they all come together with one purpose: to make every girl feel like real VIPs – Very Important Princesses.

2022 is the second year in a row that this much-awaited event has been scaled-back as a result of the COVID pandemic. During this time, we have not been able to provide girls with the full Cinderella experience (sigh!). But the project didn’t completely stop. Our dedicated ReFresh team found a creative solution to continue to provide girls with the prom gowns of their dreams: virtual shopping tours.

Virtual shopping tours have been wildly successful. Over 30 girls have found their perfect dress through virtual shopping appointments! While this is far from the full Cinderella experience, young ladies still enjoy the process and love choosing and receiving their dresses.

Being able to continue providing dresses for the girls has been a bright spot amidst our limited work during the pandemic, so we wanted to share the joy with you. Now, who better to tell us all about it than Tammy Hayes, ReFresh Volunteer Manager, who has been the lead for this project, devoting her time, cheerfulness, and fashion expertise to make the virtual shopping experience all the more special. Here is what we learned from her:

YC: How did the virtual shopping tour idea come about?

TH: During 2021, we received a lot of calls from case managers and parents inquiring about prom dresses. Although most proms had been canceled because of Covid-19, girls still wanted to get glammed up for taking photos. We were so sad that we couldn’t meet this need to the same level as previous years, but we knew there had to be something we could do to help. So our ReFresh manager at the time came up with this idea – we could take the girls through the store virtually and safely deliver the dresses to their homes. We were delighted to be able to offer a solution instead of turning away prom dress inquiries!

YC: How do the girls pick their dress?

TH: The goal is for the girls to pick 5 dress options. When we receive an inquiry about a girl who needs a dress, the first thing we do is go through a few questions to help figure out how to best help them. We ask things like size, length, color, and style preferences. We know that most of the time they have a specific ‘dress goal’ in mind and we do our best to achieve that! At the end of the initial phone call, we set up an appointment for the video call.

Before the virtual tour, I pick out dresses based on the preference they expressed – on the video call, we go through my choices first. If the girl doesn’t like any of my picks, we go through all the racks in their preferred size and color. I encourage them to choose as many options as they’d like for this round – this really increases the chances of finding the perfect dress!

Once we’ve gone through all the dresses available, I take all the choices and hang them up nicely, in a room with plenty of light. I once again show each dress through video with great detail. We walk through each one of the finalists until we narrow it down to 5 dresses.

YC: What happens after they make their choices?

TH: I make sure to set up the delivery with plenty of time ahead of the date they need the dress for. I deliver their five dress choices to their home or case manager. The girls try the dresses on and take some time to think about their options.  Within three to five days, I pick up the remaining four dresses they didn’t choose.

We’ve had great success with this process. Only a couple of times we’ve had to re-do the virtual shopping tour, and in those two instances, we successfully found the perfect dress the second time around.

YC: What is your favorite aspect of the Cinderella Virtual Shopping experience?

TH: It’s bittersweet! When we are with the girls in person you can see their excited faces! They feel and look so beautiful, they feel like princesses… I miss that!

My favorite part of virtual shopping though is the girls, parents, and case managers’ overwhelming gratefulness for this process. It takes a lot of patience from all of us to deal with the virtual appointments, drop-offs, pick-ups… It’s sure is a lot easier and more enjoyable to do it in person. However, the girls’ excitement for their dress is still there, and it makes it all worth it!

We miss the Cinderella Project experience! We miss our wonderful volunteers and sharing this exciting time with the young ladies we serve. We cannot wait to bring it back.

As mentioned above, the 2022 Cinderella Project has been canceled. Additionally, we are currently not accepting formal gown donations. Because the pandemic hit in early March 2020 and our ReFresh boutique has not been open since then, we still have thousands of dresses from that prom season. We’ve also received 500+ brand new gown donations since then. Our Cinderella storage area is very full and we can’t fit any additional dresses into it until we can safely have volunteer groups come in to help sort the dresses. We look forward to resuming the event and receiving all your wonderful donations next year!

Thank you, from the bottom of our hearts to each one of you who has made the Cinderella Project possible over the years! We appreciate your passion to continue this wonderful work. We are also grateful for your patience as you’ve hung in there with us, while we navigated the uncertainties of this time.

Each February, National Black History Month serves as both a celebration and a powerful reminder that Black history is American history, Black culture is American culture, and Black stories are essential to the ongoing story of America — our faults, our struggles, our progress, and our aspirations.

In honor of Black History Month 2022, we’re sharing a compiled list of our community’s and staff’s favorite resources to learn about Black history, culture, and experience.

We invite you to engage in this celebration this February and all year!

Social

• 28 Reasons to Love Black St. Louis – IG: @fortheculturestl

Podcasts

• The Nod
• United States of Anxiety
• Seeing White
• 1619
• Code Switch

Books

• Broken Heart of America: St. Louis and the Violent History of the United States
• Caste
• The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Government Segregated America
• The New Jim Crow
• How to Be an Antiracist 
• White Fragility
• Waking up White, and Finding Myself in the Story of Race
• The Warmth of Other Suns: The Epic Story of America’s Great Migration
• So You Want to Talk about Race
• Stamped from the Beginning

Documentaries

• 13th
• Reconstruction – America After the Civil War
• When They See Us
• Becoming
• I Am Not Your Negro
• Dark Girls
• Whose Streets?

Films & Television

• 12 Years A Slave
• Hidden Figures 
• Just Mercy
• The Great Debaters
• The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks
• Underground
• The Hate U Give
• Seven Seconds

TEDTalks

• The Lie That Invented Racism
• We Need to Talk About an injustice
• The Danger of a Single Story
• The difference between being “not racist” and antiracist

Articles/Blogs

• What is Juneteenth?
• The Case For Reparations
• Letter From Birmingham Jail
• Anti-racism resources
• A guide to how you can support marginalized communities.
• Robin DiAngelo: How ‘white fragility’ supports racism and how whites can stop it

Places

• Griot Museum of Black History
• National Museum of African American History & Culture Washington, D.C.

Denzel is an 11-year-old boy who has a bright smile and personality. He is very great at being able to advocate for himself regarding his wants and needs when it comes to him finding a “Forever Home”. Denzel is a straight “A” student, and he loves attending school. He is in the 5th grade and is doing quite well in school. Denzel’s favorite hobbies are playing football and basketball. His favorite basketball player is LeBron James. Denzel also is a huge fan of Pokemon and enjoys collecting Pokemon cards. His favorite food is cheeseburgers, and he loves to snack on candy! (What kid doesn’t)? When Denzel is interested in something, he enjoys talking about it and expressing why he is passionate about his interest. Denzel is a sweet child with a loving heart and is very family oriented. Denzel is a bright child with a big imagination. Denzel wants to be a scientist when he grows up. Denzel enjoys anything that is related to science, especially exploring the world above us (Outer Space). Denzel wants to be adopted so that he can feel like he is part of a loving family. All family types will be considered for Denzel. Could you be a forever home for this future scientist?

Watch Denzel’s A Place to Call Home feature: A Place to Call Home: Denzel | ksdk.com

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Daniealle Browning – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e danieallebrowning@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

By Dr. Karen Alyasiry, Family Development Specialist, Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition

Child Welfare is a multi-faceted system of agencies working to improve the efficiency of permanency for youth that enter alternative care. The Missouri Department of Social Services has reported 14,221 children in the foster care system as of November 2021 (dss.mo.gov, n.d.). The multi-faceted system consists of varied components of system partners working together to meet the needs of children in foster care. Through this team approach, creating alignment in shared goals allows the youth and their biological families a more effective and efficient approach to repairing, healing, and reunification when possible. Although permanency is the goal for every child that enters out-of-home care, the reality is that many children do not achieve a permanent outcome in a timely manner (Madden & Aguiniga, 2017).

Decisions to separate a child from their parent(s) are complex. The child will come into protective custody and may enter alternative care if the investigation reveals no safe resolve to reduce the risk of harm. Placement into foster care is traumatic to every child regardless of age, creating the vital need for placement stability, the importance of maintaining parental bonds and family relationships and building community relationships intended to last a lifetime. Previous research determined the barriers in reaching permanent outcomes as family connections, improving services for foster children, foster parents’ supports, and training (Casey Family Programs, 2018). Little concentration has focused on the teaming skills of the professionals responsible for the trajectory of each child’s permanency path.

Foster children are the community’s most vulnerable population. Leve et al. (2012) describe the vulnerabilities among foster children as emotional and behavioral deficits, impaired neurobiological development, and social relationship deficits. It is fair to add, foster children, are also vulnerable due to the multiple systemic partners teaming in creating goals, plans to reach them, and making life permanency decisions impacting their futures. Some team members responsible for permanency decisions of foster children include case managers, guardian ad items, and deputy juvenile officers. Team members that can influence the decisions are foster parents, therapists, and court-appointed special advocates. Teaming among these members is critical in reaching positive outcomes for the children who count on them to work in their best interest. One significant problem in successful teaming is the ego barrier causing strong confirmation bias. The ego barrier creates an individual to lose the team perspective and connects the focus on individual needs. When a team member focuses on the “I,” the team’s function transforms to personal power struggles and causes barriers in reaching shared goals.

Boutros (2015) describes the ego barrier as a building of pride, envy, and hurt feelings that influence judgment. Also, he explained that ego barriers manifest in two primary ways; false pride and fear or self-doubt (Boutros, 2015). False pride occurs when an individual carries the need to self-promote due to the notion of feeling better than others (Boutros, 2015). The self-doubt ego negatively impacts individuals feeling like they are less than others (Boutros, 2015). Both descriptions of ego barriers can significantly erode teaming effectiveness (Boutros, 2015). The ego has a reputation for destroying relationships when it is too focused on control of power or too little for self-worth. Every individual has an ego; however, learning to balance it and developing a healthy ego needs practice.

So why does this matter?

Foster children’s lives depend on their team members to let go of their need to be correct, hold power, and be judgmental, overbearing, and opinionated. Needed is a transformational leadership environment where child welfare workers can build their self-esteem and begin to see themselves as a part of the whole collective team of professionals moving toward collaborative thinking. The benefit of letting go of your ego allows the opportunity to place the child’s best interests and the building of lifelong connections over personal gain.

Link to flyer.

The Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition held a series of “town hall” meetings with hundreds of local child welfare community members after learning that the State of Missouri is making a $5 million investment to expand foster care and adoption services. These conversations helped the Coalition form a bold vision for changing the way children experience foster care in St. Louis.

In close collaboration with our community partners, the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition will expand our work for families in the following four areas:

1. Rapidly Increase the Number of Foster Parents

Every child in foster care will have a family who meets their unique cultural, behavioral, and emotional needs by expanding the number of African American, medical/behavioral, and respite foster homes. Grow capacity by 133%.

2. Permanent Families for Children as Quickly as Possible

Recognizing that every moment in foster care is too long, children will reach a permanent family as quickly as possible by reducing waitlists for 30 Days to Family® and Extreme Recruitment®, and providing expanded family finding services to partner agencies. Grow capacity by 62%.

3. Wraparound Support & Training

Caregivers and professionals will have timely, effective access to the best support and training to meet children’s mental health and cultural needs, including the areas of trauma, transracial parenting, and LGBTQIA+ support. We will bolster services in rural, underserved counties. Grow capacity by 88%.

4. Tailored Services for Families & Older Youth

Ensure no child falls through the cracks by eliminating current waitlists for educational and mental health systems navigation, as well as crisis intervention, and supporting older youth with housing and workforce development needs. Grow capacity by 62%.

During the holidays, we are inundated with messages from a number of sources (movies, music, TV, social media, commercials) about how we should be feeling joyful, happy, and thankful. Surrounded by loving (and attractive) family, laughter, fancy food served at perfectly set tables, and loads of expensive gifts, these images rarely reflect the truth for the majority of people. For children in foster care, conflicting loyalties and lost dreams can make the holidays an even more especially difficult time. They often report feeling especially vulnerable, lonely, and sad, at a time when they are expected to feel exactly the opposite.

What can those of us caring for these children and youth do or say to ease the pain?

Top 5 Tips

1. Prepare the foster youth in your care for the holidays in your home

Have a discussion with the young person about your family’s holiday customs. Do you celebrate over multiple days, or is there one “main” celebration? Are there religious customs? Will gifts be exchanged? What should they wear? Who will they meet? What preparations need to be done in advance? Will there be visitors to the home? Will they be taken on visits to the homes of other family or friends? And in all of these events, will your youth be expected to participate? Knowing what to expect will help to decrease anxiety around the holidays. Avoid surprises and you will decrease seasonal tensions.

Of equal importance is to help them talk about their memories of the holidays. Be prepared for anything from fantasies to reports of no memories of anything at all. Give them space to talk and be prepared to validate any feelings they may share with you. Find ways to incorporate any traditions they remember into your family’s celebration.

2. Help them make sure their loved ones are okay

Young people may worry that their family members are struggling through the holidays. If homelessness has been a regular issue, the winter season may bring cold weather and extreme hardship. Your youth may experience guilt if they feel a loved one is struggling while they, the youth, are living in comfort. Knowing that a biological parent or sibling has shelter from the cold or has their other basic needs met may ease a young person’s mind through the always emotional holidays.

3. Understand and encourage your youth’s own traditions and beliefs

Encourage discussion about the holiday traditions your young person experienced prior to being in foster care, or even celebrations they liked while living with other foster families. Incorporate the traditions the youth cherishes into your own family celebration, if possible. Use the opportunity to investigate the youth’s culture and research customary traditions. If the young person holds a religious belief different from yours, or if their family did, check into the traditions customarily surrounding those beliefs.

4. Assist in purchasing or making holiday gifts or in sending cards to their family and friends

Allow young people to purchase small gifts for their relatives, or help them craft homemade gifts. Help send holiday cards to those that they want to stay connected with. The list of people that your youth wishes to send cards and gifts to should be left completely to the youth, although precautions may be taken to ensure safety (for example, a return address may be left off the package, or use the address of the foster care agency) and compliance with any court orders.

5. Understand if they pull away

Despite your best efforts, a young person may simply withdraw during the holidays. Understand that this detachment most likely is not intended to be an insult or a reflection of how they feel about you, but rather is their own coping mechanism. Allow for “downtime” during the holidays that will allow the youth some time to themselves if they need it (although some youth would prefer to stay busy to keep their mind off other things — you will need to make a decision based on your knowledge of the young person). Be sure to fit in one-on-one time, personal time for your youth and you to talk through what they are feeling during this emotional and often confusing time of year.

More Tips

6. Remember confidentiality

You may receive well-intended but prying questions from those you visit with over the holidays. If your young person is new to your home, it is natural that family members ask questions about your youth’s background. As much as possible, have these conversations ahead of time, without the youth present. Understand that questions are generally not meant to be insensitive or rude, but simply come from a place of not knowing much about foster care. Think in advance about how to answer these questions while maintaining your youth’s confidentiality. Use the opportunity to educate interested family and friends. Pre-establish the boundaries for information sharing.

Discuss with your young person how they would like to be introduced and what is appropriate to share about their history with your family and friends. (Remember, they have no obligation to reveal their past.) Help them to set boundaries and consider a private “signal” to use if they feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

7. Arrange meeting your family in advance, if possible

The hustle and bustle of the holidays can make it particularly chaotic for your young person to participate in your family traditions. Anxiety may run high for young people already, and the stress of meeting your relatives may be a lot to deal with. If possible, you can arrange a casual “meeting” in advance of “main events.” If it is not possible or practical to meet beforehand, make a list of names of some of the people they’ll meet and their connection to you. You can also encourage a quick call from relatives you plan to visit to deliver a personal message of “we are excited to meet you” so that your youth knows they will be welcome. Consider making a “hostess” gift with the youth to present to the host of the party. Homemade gifts are always welcome!

8. Have extra presents ready to help offset differences

It should not be expected that all relatives purchase presents for your youth. Be prepared with other small gifts and for those family members that express concern over not having brought a gift, offer one of your “backups” for them to place under the tree. Extra presents may be addressed “from Santa”, even for older youth, to help offset a larger number of gifts other children may receive at the same time. Children often keep count of the number of gifts received (right or wrong) and use it to compare with other kids, so sometimes quantity is important.

At times, foster youth receive gifts from people they do not know. Asking a child to identify gift(s) for their wish list is often met with confusion, resistance, or other equally charged emotions. We have to remind ourselves that our excitement and enthusiasm for these types of gifts may not be their experience. In some circumstances, these youth may not have celebrated Christmas before or they are not used to asking for a “gift” but rather for some basic need (i.e., toiletries or food). When encouraged to think “bigger”—beyond just what they need and ask for something that they want—foster children often struggle. Intense thoughts and fears arise: Am I disloyal to my birth parents by requesting/accepting gifts? Does this mean I won’t be home by Christmas?

It’s often our role to help foster youth understand that the community’s desire to give them gifts means only that they are loved. You may need to guard against well-meaning people’s desire to “give a happy holiday for such a deprived, abused little child,” protecting the children from such toxic sentiments.

9. Facilitate visits with loved ones

The holidays can be a busy time for everyone including foster parents and caseworkers. But it is especially important during this time of year to help your young person arrange for visits with loved ones. Don’t allow busy schedules to mean the postponement of these important visits. Try to get permission for your youth to make phone calls to relatives. A youth may wish to extend holiday wishes to relatives and friends from an old neighborhood, but may need your help getting phone numbers together. Use the opportunity to help the youth develop their own address book. If the youth cannot visit, consider including their birth families in your thoughts and prayers. If you are making homemade gifts, consider making ones for the birth family, even if they cannot be delivered immediately.

This is a time when many foster youth feel deeply conflicted about their birth families and worry about them. It is a good time to let them know it is okay for them to be safe and cared for even if their birth family is struggling. Reassure them, if you can, about the safety and care of those they are missing.

10. Extend an invitation

If it is safe and allowed by your foster care agency, consider extending an invitation to siblings or birth parents through the holidays. It need not be an invitation to your “main” holiday event, consider a “special” dinner for your youth to celebrate with their loved ones. If this is not a possibility to do within your home, consider arranging a visit at a local restaurant (ask the caseworker if it would be appropriate for the visit to be unsupervised or if your supervision would suffice). Extending an invitation to their loved ones need not signal to a young person that you support their birth family’s lifestyle or choices — rather it tells a young person that you respect their wish to stay connected to family. You will also send a message to the youth that they aren’t being put in a position to “choose” your family over their bio-family and that it is possible to have a relationship with all the people they care about.

11. Call youth who formerly lived with you

The holidays can be a particularly tough time for youth who have recently aged out of foster care. They may not have people to visit or a place to go for the holidays. In addition, young people commonly struggle financially when they first leave foster care. A single phone call may lift their spirits and signal that you continue to care for them and treasure their friendship. Be sure to include these youth on your own holiday card list. A small token gift or gift basket of homemade holiday goodies may be especially appreciated. Most importantly, it is essential to let adoptees, foster children, and those who have aged out of the system know that they are not alone and they are not to blame for their losses.

12. Prepare friends and family before you visit

Let people know in advance about new family members in your home. Surprising a host or hostess at the door with a “new” foster youth may set up an awkward situation — such as a scramble to set an extra place at the table — making the young person feel like an imposition right from the start of the visit. Your preparation of friends should help cut down on awkward, but reasonable questions such as “who are you?” or “where did you come from?”

Also, prepare the youth for what to expect. Talk about upcoming events and the people who will be there. If they have not met before, introduce them to old photos or stories about them. Prepare them for the “characters” in your family. Tell them if the celebration will be formal or informal, what to wear, what they will do there if is a quiet or loud affair, and how long you will stay. If “please” and “thank you” will be expected, role play with the youth until they are comfortable with such expressions.

13. Understandable behavioral reactions:

Be prepared for the sadness and grief. Talk about your child’s feelings throughout the season.

Give your children time and space to grieve. Grief takes many forms and may be exhibited in lots of ways, including:

• Reverting back to younger behaviors developmentally
• Soiling themselves or bedwetting
• Becoming withdrawn and isolated
• Having temper tantrums
• Being rebellious
• Complaining more than usual
• Needing to be extra busy to avoid feeling

Try to remember the developmental age of the children you foster. It will also help you to stay patient if you keep in mind the challenges of the season for your child before you react.

Expressions of gratitude don’t often come readily from kids in foster care. Not because they aren’t grateful, but more often because they are in survival mode, especially during the holidays. Amazingly, more kids than not want to know who they can thank for their gifts. Help them to write thank-you notes or make “thank you” phone calls to those who made their day extra special.

14. Religious Differences & the Holidays

The holidays can be tough for foster families. Children in care miss their families and their traditions, while at the same time they may want to be part of the activities of the foster family. When there’s a religious difference between the child’s family and the foster family, things can become even more complicated.

Religion can be a sensitive issue. Legally, birth parents have the right to choose their children’s religion or lack of religion. Placement of their child in foster care does not take away this right.

Of course, most foster parents try to respect the culture and religious customs of the children in their care. But what does this mean when it comes to religion?

The answer lies in establishing open lines of communication among foster parents, DSS, and the birth family. If your agency knows how you feel about religious issues (for example, if prayer makes you feel uncomfortable, or if you feel compelled to convert children and their families), it will make informed placement decisions.

This communication works both ways. The more you know about the religion, traditions, and preferences of birth families, the easier it will be for you to act in a way that honors their beliefs.

Royce entered foster care after allegations of domestic violence were filed against his maternal great-grandfather who was his primary caregiver. He had lived with his great-grandparents since losing both of his parents. Entering foster care added yet another layer of trauma and hurt to this 11-year-old boy who had already lived through difficult hardships.

Upon entering foster care, Royce was placed at a residential facility until a treatment foster home would become available. His case management team didn’t think his behavior was appropriate for a traditional foster care placement. Royce had extremely challenging behaviors stemming from deep-rooted, unhealed trauma. He acted very disrespectfully, destroyed property, would not stay in school, and had no structure. Additionally, He had diagnoses of ADHD, PTSD, and oppositional defiant disorder. A treatment foster parent, Jill, became available and was able to take Royce in.

Shonetta, 30 Days to Family® Lead Specialist was assigned to Royce’s case in July of 2019. At the beginning of the case, Royce’s great-grandmother was the only identified relative. Although she was a viable placement option, she was in very poor health and could not take care of Royce at the moment.

Shonetta began the intense search for relatives to create Royce’s family tree and quickly realized that family finding was going to be extremely hard for this case. And indeed, it was extremely tough.

Royce came from a large but heavily dysfunctional family. On the maternal side, His great-grandmother had kept him secluded from the rest of the family, so Royce had little to no relationship with them. But Shonetta tried anyway. She interviewed and contacted many relatives. A lot of relatives came forward as willing to take Royce into their home, but for one reason or another could not pass the licensing requirements.

Paternal relatives were even harder to get ahold of. Shonetta found out that Royce had half-siblings that had been through the foster care system and now were placed with paternal relatives. But Royce had not been around his father’s side of the family. His relatives hardly knew him and many were not willing or able to take Royce into their home. Additionally, the family had a long history of involvement with child protective services, making many of them ineligible to care for Royce.

After six months of hard work, Royce’s 30 Days to Family® case was closed without an appropriate relative placement in January of 2020. At this point, Shonetta had identified 222 relatives, but she struck out at every attempt to place Royce in a safe and appropriate home.

Royce remained at Jill’s home. Jill had been a therapeutic foster parent for nearly a decade. Her primary goal for every placement she received was to develop a treatment plan for the child’s specific needs so that they could step down from treatment foster care, and safely go back into their community. All along, this was her goal for Royce as well.

But the future had something different in store for both of their journeys.

Royce didn’t immediately change. He was attending Individual therapy, he was on medication management, and attending a special school district but still had a hard time coping with trauma and continued to display difficult behaviors at school and at home.

What was different this time around is that Jill recognized Royce’s behaviors as trauma responses and she took intentional action to facilitate an environment where he could heal from his pain. Jill received support from the Coalition’s Family Works and Educational Advocacy programs to develop a plan to support Royce. With their help, she created boards with charts for house rules, hygiene checklists, and other reminders to provide Royce with daily structure. She started a household savings account for Royce to teach him financial management and understand needs versus wants. He would get small rewards for chores and would use his household savings to buy extra snacks or things he wanted.  Jill also stuck with him through school – she helped keep him stay on track with assignments and attendance, as well as navigate through academic and behavioral challenges.

It wasn’t an easy path. At times, Jill felt like giving up. They went through a number of anger episodes, hospitalizations, and many other challenges but knowing Royce’s family and history, Jill knew she had provided him with the most stability in a long time. So she stuck with him.

Tragedy struck again in Royce’s life when his great-grandmother passed away in late 2020. This was hard for him. Family was so important to Royce and he was yearning to be with them. He had just lost his only viable chance to be with family again.

Jill continued to show unconditional love and support to Royce. He started to show incredible improvement. Royce now would talk to Jill and confide in her when working through difficult emotions. He learned how to cope and no longer let his anger escalate from 0 to 10 instantly. He is also no longer on medication and will be attending regular public schools.

In August of 2021, Royce had another loss in the family – his aunt passed away. Jill encouraged him to go spend some time with his relatives while they grieved. Royce decided to go but quickly realized that he could not make it through one day with them. He had grown to appreciate structure. He couldn’t live in that chaotic environment anymore. He called Jill to come pick him up immediately. He now knew what type of environment was best for him.

After enduring a long journey of loss and grieve, Royce had finally found a space for healing.

At this point Jill knew it in her heart – Royce had nowhere to go and she had to be his family. Jill’s plans changed, and after eight years of only fostering, she decided to adopt Royce.

Thanks to Shonetta’s work through 30 Days to Family®, Royce has knowledge and connection to his biological family, which he values greatly. Shonetta also provided the family with referrals and resources to ensure they remain stable. Family Works and Educational Advocacy continue walking alongside Royce and Jill in their new journey.

They are both very excited about the adoption. In tears, Jill shared with Shonetta how she couldn’t believe how much Royce has learned and changed, and most importantly, how much he has helped Jill grow as a person. Royce has had such a profound effect on Jill, that she cannot imagine not being his forever family.

Royce is now 14 years old and finally has the family he always deserved and wished for.

*Names and pictures have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. We would like to take this opportunity to highlight the powerful work of our Extreme Recruitment® program, and what better way to do it than through one of our wonderful adoption stories?!

In the spring of 2021, Colton was finally adopted into his forever family. But this was not an easy road for him. Colton was in foster care for almost 7 years when the Extreme Recruitment® team got involved.

We had the privilege to hear about this family’s journey first-hand through an interview with Colton and his adoptive mom, Natasha, as well as some of the key Coalition staff who provided wraparound support to this family, including Amanda Denning, Extreme Recruiter; Mike Hall, Family Search and Permanency Support Specialist; Hannah Trout, Families United Specialist; Quesha Combs, Family Works Specialist; and Taryn Anderson, Educational Advocate.

Here is their story:

AD: I remember the day that I got Colton’s case. And I distinctly remember talking to one professional who told me “good luck.” He didn’t think that I would find a home for Colton. He thought that it would be extremely difficult and he was very concerned that because of Colton’s age, which is a common barrier in our system, we wouldn’t be able to find a home for him.

AD: About three weeks into having Colton’s case, I found out that he had a Godmother. Approximately a year before I got the case, she had disappeared and nobody knew why. I was really curious about that. It also came out that when Colton had been placed with the previous foster parent, that the foster parent had decided that they were not going to let Colton have a relationship with his Godmother anymore. So I went to my investigator Mike, and I gave him her name and I said: “I really need you to find this lady because I think she is really important to this kid’s life… we need to find her.”

MH: At the beginning, we were really nervous that we wouldn’t be able to find her. We were trying different variations of her last name and things like that.

N: I tell you what, Mike is a heck of an investigator because when this first all happened, Mike said he spent a couple of days trying to locate me.

MH: Luckily there was another woman who was also identified. When we were able to go to her house, introduce ourselves, and tell her what we were doing… sure enough, that was Natasha’s mom.

N: if Mike wouldn’t have kept looking for me, we don’t know where the future would have brought us or how long it would have been until I could have him [Colton] again.

AD: It turned out that the reason we were having such a hard time finding Natasha, was because her name was spelled incorrectly in court documents and Children’s Division documents.

After nearly two years apart, Amanda arranged a visit between Colton and his Godmother, Natasha.

AD: The day of the visit, I picked Colton up from school. He was super excited. Extremely nervous. It reminded me of those military videos you watch where you see somebody come home from overseas to surprise a loved one. Colton saw Natasha down an alley and took off running for her. He immediately got there and gave her a huge hug. I was still standing at the back of the alley watching them and in my head thinking “Colton found his family!”

N: I saw him run out of the car and he gave me a big ol’ hug. From that second I knew that I was going for the adoption process. Colton excused himself to go to the bathroom and I said, “Okay, Amanda, what do I got to do?”

AD: Towards the end of the visit, Colton had to go to the bathroom and Natasha walked up to me and said “I know I have this barrier I want to get my own place, can you help me get him? I want to adopt him.” I told her absolutely! We will do it together. Every step of the way we will figure this out.

After Natasha’s commitment that day, the Coalition’s wraparound support staff sprang into action to help overcome any barriers to adoption.

N: My one goal was that Colton would get adopted before his 14^th birthday. This was the status that I needed it to be. And it was a promise that I needed to figure out a way to keep.

HT: We have this relative who is super attached to this kid, who wants to be involved, who is so upset that she lost that time with Colton, and the only major barrier is that she needs to find a bigger place to live. I was a part of a lot of those meetings and supported Amanda, the Extreme Recruiter, and her amazing work in assisting Natasha through that process. If that is the only barrier stopping Colton from having a family, we’re going to make that work. We are going to figure out a way to help Natasha. It was so beautiful the way Amanda, and the entire Coalition supported her and made that happen because Colton wouldn’t have been adopted if it weren’t for that. Everyone worked together beautifully because Colton deserved it!

N: Amanda and Hannah were on it, sending me listings every other day for someone to get in contact with.

AD: Natasha is amazing! And along the way she was more than willing to go to any training or service she could and meet with any professional she could because all she wanted from day one was to learn how to help Colton.

QC: Natasha is just so committed. If I had to choose a word to describe Natasha and how she shows up for Colton it would be commitment. We have had very difficult conversations, tears have been involved at times because these families share some of the most intimate parts of their lives with us.

N: I get to unload on Quesha every Thursday. And God love her, she just sits there and listens to me.

QC: It is just so beautiful to see the two of them and the love they have for each other.

TA: I’ve talked with Natasha. We did a virtual home visit where we met over Zoom, and talked about what struggles she is having with school, what behaviors or struggles Colton is having at school, and getting a good layout of some of the family’s issues and what Colton has been through in his life. We help navigate those systems and work with the school and the families to try to do what is best for each child.

N: The whole thing has been one giant blessing for everybody involved. The whole Coalition team has supported me and my family in everything that we’ve possibly needed.

18 months after the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition received Colton’s case, an adoption hearing was scheduled for April 19^th, 2021.

AD: Natasha and Colton were there, and Colton was dressed up in a suit that he had borrowed from a family member. He was so excited about it. About a month before the adoption, I had asked Colton what he wanted for adoption day. He told Natasha and I that all he wanted was a sign – he wanted to be one of those stories where he would have a sign to hold on adoption day with how many days he was in foster care and that he had been adopted.

N: He turned 14 on April 27^th. So, nine days after he was adopted we had his 14^th birthday.

AD: I remember the day that I watched him run across the parking lot to her and I knew that this story had finally come full circle, that they were family now.

C: I have to say: Thank you, Miss Amanda!

N: Amanda has always been such a wonderful advocate for Colton.

C: I love my mom because she was always there for me and my brothers. She would always help us out with everything we need. My whole family gets to know that I am safe and I am with them finally.

N: I’m just really happy to finally have my kiddo!

This interview transcript has been edited for clarity. You can watch this interview at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZAZ7yaPop8

The Extreme Recruitment®  program is a race to find permanency for youth using 12-20 weeks of intensive recruitment efforts and permanency preparation. This program works exclusively with the hardest-to-place children: ages 10-18, sibling groups, children of minority status, and youth with emotional, developmental, or behavioral concerns.

Since 2008, Extreme Recruiters and investigators have worked tirelessly to prevent children from aging out of foster care without the love and support of family.

Tre’vione is 14 years old and always has a smile on his face. He is very friendly, caring, and delights everyone who meets him. Tre’vione enjoys sports, especially basketball and football with friends in the neighborhood. In his free time he enjoys riding his bike, playing video games, reading, and the outdoors. Tre’vione’s best idea of a weekend trip with his new family would be the opportunity to go hiking in a national forest and experience camping outdoors. Tre’vione loves going above and beyond for Christmas.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Amanda Denning – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e amandadenning@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Kinship care refers to the care of children by relatives or, in some jurisdictions, close family friends. During the month of September (and every month) we celebrate these amazing families!

In honor of Kinship Care Month, we thought we could share a few of our family stories. Check out our previous blog post for more stories.

When Tristan’s fifth cousin received the call, there was no hesitation before she said yes

Tristan* came into care due to prenatal drug exposure. Scared and unsure of what to do next for their little boy, his parents left him at the hospital. He was there for weeks without visitors and upon discharge was placed in a traditional foster home.

Tristan’s two older brothers, Trevor and Bryant, came into foster care several years ago and were adopted by different families. Their adoptive parents were unable to take Tristan into their homes. Tristan’s case manager referred him to the Coalition’s 30 Day to Family® program and Teara was assigned to the case.

Teara searched for family members that might be interested in a connection with Tristan. Several family members were upset when they were contacted because of their estranged relationship with Tristan’s mom and dad and were not interested in providing placement. Maternal grandmother and paternal aunt were interested, but they could not provide placement due to various issues. During her search, Teara found 271 family members to add to Tristan’s family tree and spoke with 30 of them.

When Teara called Tristan’s 5th cousin, Maleka, there was no hesitation before she said yes. She and her partner, Callie, had recently discussed becoming foster parents. Maleka had been contacted years prior when Trevor and Bryant came into care, but she wasn’t at a point in her life to take them into her home. That decision haunted her. Even more perfect, Maleka worked at a daycare that Tristan would be able to attend with her during the day.

Due to COVID-19 precautions, Teara completed a walk-through of the home virtually via Zoom. She found the home to be more than suitable for Tristan. They live nearby Maleka’s sister and nieces and nephews so not only would the family have support, but Tristan would get to grow up with some of his relatives. Tristan moved into the home and Teara referred Maleka and Callie to the Coalition’s Families United program for licensing. Annie was assigned to the case.

Annie was quickly able to build rapport with the family even though it was a virtual relationship. She enrolled the couple in virtual training through the Coalition and supported them throughout the licensure process. They were so eager to become Tristan’s foster parents that they completed everything in record time. They were new to foster parenting so Annie spent a lot of time helping them understand the system and their role.

Maleka and Callie were hesitant to reach out to the family members identified by Teara because of their complicated relationship with some of the family and their worry the experience with others would be the same. Annie spoke to them in-depth about the importance of familial connections especially for youth in foster care. Annie’s encouragement and guidance helped them contact family members including maternal grandma and paternal aunt who initially reached out. They continue to speak regularly to Tristan’s family as well as send pictures and updates.

Maleka and Callie love Tristan so much. They are amazing advocates and proactive about his growth and development. Tristan has completely integrated into their family and is thriving. His case plan has changed from reunification to adoption.

Maleka and Callie look forward to their future with Tristan but will always hold a special place in their home and hearts for his past.

Naomi didn’t bat an eye when she was contacted by the Coalition’s 30 Days to Family® program to care for her three great-nieces in foster care

6-year-old Georgette, 12-year-old Lacey, and 13-year-old Bobbie were the daughters of Naomi’s niece, Abby, with whom she had a very close relationship.

Naomi was previously licensed as a foster parent twenty years ago so she had an understanding of the foster care system, but a lot had changed since then. She was hesitant at first to complete the licensure process because there were a lot of hoops to jump through and licensing workers – total strangers – asked her such personal questions. It all felt so intrusive.

Hannah, Families United Specialist, was assigned to guide Naomi on her journey to become a licensed relative foster home. Hannah sensed Naomi’s hesitation and felt that her guard was up. Hannah spent a lot of time talking one-on-one with Naomi. She made the interview process very conversational to ease Naomi’s discomfort. They were able to connect on a personal level which allowed Naomi to open up.

Naomi was excellent support for her niece. She provided updates on a regular basis and ended up supervising all of the visits in her home. Abby would come to Naomi’s house and participate in the activities of regular day-to-day life like after-school homework, dinner, bath time, and bedtime. Abby was there for her children during these important moments allowing them to hold on to their bond during this difficult time. Over time, the visits continued to increase as Abby worked her case plan for reunification. Naomi was there every step of the way and worked well with Abby’s team.

A few months later, Abby completed everything on her service plan and the court ordered a trial home visit – the final step before reunification. It was springtime, the kids were still in school in Naomi’s school district, and they each attended different schools. The court was ready to move forward with the trial home visit, but there were no plans in place for Abby to be able to accommodate the kids’ schedules. Both Abby and Naomi were anxious about the timing of transitioning the kids back home.

They wanted to wait just a little bit longer to make sure everything was in place for the children and Abby to be successful. The team told Naomi that because the kids were ordered to go home she would stop receiving monthly payments and daycare assistance to help care for the kids even if they stayed with her. Naomi and Abby decided it was best for the children to stay with Naomi until the school year was complete. Naomi cared for the children without any state assistance and paid out of pocket for Georgette to attend daycare before school. Naomi worked with Abby to make sure she had all the important information for the children: doctors’ and dentists’ contact information, upcoming appointments, favorite foods, clothing sizes, and educational information.

At the end of the school year, Georgette, Lacey, and Bobbie were reunited with their mom. With everything in place, Abby was more than ready to be with her children and thrive. This experience brought Naomi and Abby closer than ever. Naomi still visits with the children frequently and attends birthdays and holiday get-togethers. This was truly a happy ending for this family.”

We are so grateful to work with families like yours, the ones who step up to make a difference! For all your work, your sacrifice, your dedication – we thank you!

*Names changed to protect child’s confidentiality.

September is National Kinship Care Month. During this month our nation highlights what our Coalition Families United program celebrates every day: the commitment and love our relatives and kinship families provide to children in foster care.

To celebrate we thought we could share a few of our amazing family stories. Stay tuned, as we will be adding stories to this blog throughout the month of September!

After Seven Years in Foster Care, Kylen Moved in With His Great Aunt

Kylen* came into foster care in 2013 at age three after his biological mother burned his baby sister. She was also unable to adequately care for Kylen who was diagnosed with autism. Kylen’s sister went to live with her biological father while Kylen was left to be raised in the foster care system.

He was placed with his grandmother but had to leave after she tested positive for drugs. He went to live with his Great Aunt Shannon, but she was diagnosed with cancer and worried she would not be able to meet his needs during treatment. After another family placement fell through, Kylen went to live in a treatment foster home for children with special needs.

Edna Green with Extreme Recruitment® received the referral in March 2019, when permanency seemed like a fading dream. She quickly began the search for family members. Unfortunately, the maternal grandmother still struggled with drug addiction. Edna spoke with several other family members and found that none of them felt equipped to meet Kylen’s needs. She had a sense that this family felt Kylen was everyone else’s responsibility. Kylen would grow up in foster care if they could not figure out a way to meet his needs. They needed help so they could step up for Kylen.

Even though grandma could not be a placement option, Edna motivated her to enter drug treatment so she could at least be a part of Kylen’s life. Edna provided several options for drug treatment which grandma successfully completed and became drug free. Once the family witnessed Edna’s passion and commitment to make a difference in Kylen’s life, they were able to trust her and were determined to work together to figure out a solution. Great Aunt Shannon, who was cancer free, stepped up to take placement of Kylen because she knew she had the support of her family and the Coalition.

Edna connected Shannon to the Coalition’s Families United Program for licensure. They worked closely with Kylen’s doctor and helped Shannon become licensed as a medical home to ensure she received the resources necessary to meet his needs. Edna utilized the Coalition’s Educational Advocacy team who worked with the school so Kylen could achieve his full potential. She deployed the Coalition’s Family Works Steps Program which helped the family navigate the Department of Mental Health and connected Kylen to many services needed for his autism diagnosis. She even found a daycare for Kylen that was qualified to work with children with autism and arranged for the bus to help with transportation.

With all services in place, Kylen moved in with his Great Aunt Shannon on February 14th, 2020. Everyone in Kylen’s life immediately noticed the difference this placement made. He came out of his shell, interacted more with peers, and his demeanor at school changed tremendously.”

Edna says: “When you are able to meet people where they are at, show them you truly care, and love children no matter what, amazing things can happen.

Henley, Canada, and Marlo are right where they are meant to be

*Names changed to protect children’s confidentiality.

Carter is an energetic and curious ten-year old boy who is currently in the fourth grade! Carter is described as a cute, sweet, and caring! Carter enjoys sports, including basketball, track, and soccer. Carter loves to read (especially the Goosebumps books) and to write. Carter receives some additional services through his school to assist him with his learning. Overall, Carter is physically healthy. While Carter is not placed with his siblings, he has a close sibling relationship that he will need to continue in the future.

This is a legal risk placement as termination of parental rights is still in progress. The ideal adoptive family would be loving, caring, and open to the idea of a continued relationship with his foster parents and his siblings. The family should have elevated needs training or be willing to complete the training. The adoptive family should have the ability to maintain a consistent schedule and be able to establish consistent, clear, and loving boundaries, rules, and consequences.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Bryant is a 14 year old young man. He is active and has a playful attitude when he warms up to you. He especially likes to tell jokes and play jokes on his close friends. Laid back and curious are great words to describe his dynamic personality. He makes friends easily and enjoys his time in school. In his spare time, Bryant enjoys playing video games and watching football and Anime. He also likes to express himself by drawing. Give him a giant plate of nachos or cheese fries and he’ll be set!

Bryant has several close relationships that he would like to maintain when adopted. A family that is open to this, as well as committed and ready to embrace him fully as he continues to grow into adulthood, is a must. An active family with a great sense of humor would be a great fit!

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Click here to download this press release as a PDF.

ST. LOUIS, MO – July 29, 2021 – The State of Missouri made a historic investment on behalf of children in foster care when Governor Mike Parson signed the social services portion of the FY 2022 budget on July 1, 2021.

$90 million in new social services funding included $5 million for the St. Louis-based Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition to expand innovative programs. This new investment from the state, combined with sustained philanthropic support, will provide a solid foundation to fully address the length of time children languish in foster care.

This effort to help kids would not have happened without a bi-partisan effort from all 197 lawmakers in Missouri. Specifically, the leadership of House Speaker Rob Vescovo, House Budget Chair Cody Smith, Representative Kimberly-Ann Collins, Senate Appropriations Chairman Dan Hegeman, Senator Karla May, Senator Brian Williams, and countless other staff members who worked tirelessly to make this possible.

New and expanded services provided by the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition will include:

• Targeted recruitment of African American foster parents to address racial disparities in St. Louis City and County
• Recruitment and training of specialized homes for children with profound trauma
• Geographic expansion in Franklin, Warren, and Lincoln counties
• Transform metro St. Louis foster care into one of the most supportive foster/adoptive communities in the nation

A key expansion includes the Coalition re-establishing RESPOND, a model developed in the 1990s by Howard and Vickie Denson to recruit African American foster parents for African American children.

In St. Louis City and County, 70% of children in local foster care are African American, yet only 13% of foster parents are African American.

RESPOND was highly regarded thanks to other exemplary leaders, including fellow child advocates Rose Walls (who became a major child advocate in the Republic of Ghana), Curtis Mullins, LaRhonda Wilson, Sandy Clay, and Lester Kyles.

Unfortunately, RESPOND’s doors were closed due to lack of funding.

Missouri Representative Kimberly-Ann Collins (District 077) spearheaded the effort to include funding for RESPOND in the annual state budget. Rep. Collins was herself adopted by a RESPOND family when she was a child.

The Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition is recognized nationally as a driver of innovative programming to address the needs of children in foster care. They are best known for creating Extreme Recruitment® and 30 Days to Family®, programs so effective that they are replicated by other non-profits across the country.

Philanthropic support from individuals, corporations and foundations allows the Coalition to currently serve 1,248 children annually. At any given moment, there are 4,500 children in foster care in the metro region. The average age of a child in foster care is 8 ½ years old.

With continued donations from the community along with this transformative state investment, the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition will come closer to achieving their vision of “For Every Child. . .A Place to Call Home.”

About the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition

The Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition (Coalition) exists to ensure every child has a place to call home. To achieve that goal, we focus on finding homes for our community’s hardest-to-place kids (older youth, sibling groups, and kids with special needs), and supporting foster and adoptive families so our kids can heal.

Visit www.foster-adopt.org to learn more about the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition.

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Have you ever wondered what happens to a child after entering foster care? Because every child has a right to privacy, foster care is invisible by design. But that also means the system is often unaccountable and, to most people, completely unknown. When the state removes a child from their home due to alleged abuse and/or neglect, that’s just the beginning of an often long and complex process. The following is a guide intended to broadly represent a child’s journey through foster care.

STEP ONE: An Agency Investigates

A child begins their foster care journey when abuse or neglect is reported to the Children’s Division (or Department of Children and Family Services in Illinois). The Children’s Division is responsible for the administration of child welfare services. They work in partnership with families, communities, the courts, and other governmental entities toward ensuring the safety, permanency, and well-being of Missouri children. The Children’s Division then investigates the report and decides what next steps need to be taken for the child.

What circumstances are required for there to be a Child Abuse and Neglect report? – In order for the Children’s Division to accept a hotline report of abuse or neglect for investigation, the child must be under 18 years of age, the alleged perpetrator must have care, custody, or control of the child, and the allegations must meet the legal definitions of abuse or neglect. The Child Abuse/Neglect Hotline Unit screens the reported information to determine whether it meets criteria for a child abuse/neglect investigation or a family assessment response. If you know of any children experiencing abuse or neglect please report to this link – https://dss.mo.gov/cd/keeping-kids-safe/can.htm or call 1-800-392-3738.

STEP TWO: Substantiation

If the abuse or neglect is unfounded, then the child stays or returns home. If there is evidence of abuse or neglect there will be an agency recommendation. The recommendation might not be to remove the child from the home. If the child is safe they might recommend services like drug/alcohol treatment, counseling, mental health treatment, employment, or to find housing.

STEP THREE: The Preliminary Protective Hearing

This is the first court hearing in juvenile abuse and neglect cases. In some jurisdictions this may be called a “shelter care,” “detention,” “emergency removal,” or “temporary custody” hearing.

Who determines whether a child should be removed from their home? –  Under Missouri law, the final decision to remove a child from a parent’s custody can only be made by a Juvenile Court judge. If there is a concern that a child may be in imminent danger, then a law enforcement officer, a physician, and a juvenile officer have the authority to place a child in temporary protective custody

This is where the Coalition sometimes gets involved – 30 Days to Family® – https://www.foster-adopt.org/recruitment-programs/#30days

STEP FOUR: Foster Care

After the PC Hearing, the Juvenile Court judge determines whether or not the child will come into care, the child will either go into a traditional foster home, residential facility, relative home, and/or therapeutic foster home. Lots of factors come into play when deciding where a child goes.

Where we come in – Family Works – https://www.foster-adopt.org/support-services/#FamilyWorks

STEP FIVE: Adjudication and Dispositional Hearing

After thirty days, an adjudication and disposition hearing will commence. There, the court will determine if the facts in the preliminary protective hearing are true. At disposition, the court may order that the child be returned home with some conditions, placed in foster care, or award custody and guardianship to someone who is able to care for the child, preferably a relative.

Typically, the adjudication and disposition hearings are held on the same day. However, the parties can decide to split and hold an adjudication hearing first with the disposition hearing to be held at a later date.

STEP SIX: Court Review

After around 6 months there will be a court review to check on the child and their case. Here they will see if reunification to their parent(s) is making progress or if they need to change the permanency plan to another option.

About 3 in 5 children in foster care return home to their parents or other family members.

STEP SEVEN: Permanency Plan

After around 12 months there should be a permanency plan hearing. Here is where the court decides if the child will either be reunified with their parent(s), guardianship with a relative, or termination of parental rights, after which the adoption process begins.

Where we come in: Extreme Recruitment® – https://www.foster-adopt.org/recruitment-programs/#extreme

Right now, there are around 4,500 kids in St. Louis foster care and 400,000 kids in foster care in the United States. Quality foster homes are always needed to care for our community’s most vulnerable children. While there are incredible individuals ready to help, many more folks would like to become licensed foster parents. Still, they might hesitate to do so partially because of the inaccurate things they’ve heard about foster care. Let’s clear up some of the most common myths Coalition staff hear while working in the field:

Myth #1: All children in foster care are bad, juvenile delinquents, or runaways.

All children who have been impacted by foster care have experienced trauma. The Kaiser Permanente Institute says that the single most significant protective factor in any child’s life is their relationship with their parents. No matter what pain or loss you experience, your relationship with them is what will protect you best.

Simply by entering foster care, our kids lose that relationship, or at minimum, the certainty that ordinarily makes it so powerful. Decades of psychological and neurological research have shown trauma has a profound and lasting impact on children’s brains. It takes years to heal from the wound of removal alone, even if they eventually go home.

Children are not bad. Many children (and plenty of us adults, too!) express themselves in ways that frustrate and perplex others in an effort to cope with the trauma they have experienced. Most new foster parents learn in their initial training about common trauma reactions like bedwetting, stashing food under a mattress, or even, in extreme cases, running away from home.

These are all completely understandable once you look at a child’s past environment. If it was filled with fear, deprivation, or even violence, these reactions start to make sense. They can last for years, but often, with a bit of creativity, communication, and therapy, foster parents can create a home environment that removes fear, uncertainty, and danger from a child’s life. When children (and adults!) feel safe and cared for, they will act kindly, respectfully, and thoughtfully toward others.

Myth #2: All children in foster care have been sexually or physically abused.

The vast majority of kids in foster care have never been abused. More than 60% of kids here in St. Louis enter care because of “neglect,” which is often just a fancy label for poverty. For instance, more than 20% enter St. Louis City foster care each year because of inadequate housing.

Here’s an example of what the system calls neglect: A seven-year-old is left at home to watch her three year old sister because mom can’t afford a babysitter but still needs to work.

Should she have done that? No, but is the solution to remove her children? Set aside the emotional trauma we inflict on that family by removing those kids; is it more effective for us as taxpayers to pay $200+ per day to keep both kids in foster care, or help prevent them from entering in the first place by connecting mom with some resources?

Myth #3: Foster parents can only be heterosexual married couples.

False! We need every type of family to support kids’ needs. We routinely have both single and same-sex foster parents complete our training. The important question is: Are you able to meet the needs of a child? Your support network is everything, whether you’re single or married.

And same-sex foster parents have a special significance in foster care, where studies suggest up to 20% of kids identify as LGBTQ+. Many of those kids have been kicked out of their homes for the way they identify. Those who enter foster care are often bullied or face further abuse. A role model who loves, accepts, and understands them for who they are would be life-changing for many of these kids.

Myth #4: Foster parents cover medical insurance

Medicaid entirely covers healthcare for children in foster care. Here is a link for more information on coverage.

Myth #5: Foster parents are only in it for the money.

It costs significantly more to raise a child than foster parents receive. Foster parents receive a small stipend each month based on the level of care each child needs. The average monthly payment in Missouri is $450. It’s worth pointing out that Missouri is currently ranked 48th in the country in what it pays foster parents.

At the Coalition, we do our best to help families with our Resource Round-Up. Many companies and local organizations have stepped up, especially during COVID, to provide relief for basic needs. Please visit our Resource Round-Up page for a list of St. Louis and Metro East financial support resources. As we learn of more resources we will continue to update.

Myth #6: Once a child is placed in my home, I’m on my own, and I have to pay for everything.

When a child is placed in your home as a foster or adoptive placement, you receive a monthly reimbursement for expenses you will incur. The reimbursement depends upon the child’s age and the number of foster children in the home. The state provides medical and dental insurance. Here is a link for more coverage information.

A yearly clothing allowance and transportation reimbursement is also available. If counseling or therapy services are needed, the state also provides those services.

The Coalition offers ongoing support services to provide assistance to foster and adoptive families. We have your back, no problem is too small. Here is a link to our Resource Round-up page. This page is jam packed with helpful information. We cover metal health support, financial support, food resources, and even weekend activities. We are here to provide wrap-around support to our families to ensure our children and families heal and prosper.

Myth #7: I will get too attached; it would be too hard to see the child leave.

We would be lying if we said reunification doesn’t come with a sense of loss. By the time your child is lucky enough to reunify, you will probably have developed a powerful relationship. We routinely coach newer foster parents through the grief they feel during these moves.

That feeling means you’ve done something right. It means you’ve given that child the love and care they deserve and need in order to heal. Love does not fix everything; it takes extensive training, ongoing support, and probably therapy to help a child heal from their trauma. But you also have to love and care for them. The loss you feel is a necessary part of their healing process.

If you are worried about loving a child too much, you might be perfect for the job. Here is a link for potential future parents, that includes a wealth of information to help you make the decision. On the bottom is a form to fill out if you would like to speak to someone to learn more.

Watch Michaela’s feature on “A Place to Call Home.”

Michaela is a 13 year old beautiful girl with a contagious smile. She is currently in the 8th grade with a love for school and her favorite subjects are English Language Arts and Math. She does well academically in school. Get ready for some thoughtful and passionate debates as Michaela wants to be a lawyer one day.

Michaela is sweet and kind, and she loves doing things to help others. She keeps her room clean, takes pride in her appearance and loves to do her chores. She will often volunteer to help others do their chores.
Michaela has a passion for experiencing new things. She loves to eat different foods, loves to travel to new places and learn new things. She has a great personality and is very sociable creative and artistic. Michaela loves drawing and uses it to express herself at times.

Michaela is a young lady who is smart, fun, helpful and loving and has a bright future ahead of her.

Michaela would like a forever family to help her continue to be her best in school, support her artistic abilities and help her achieve her dream of becoming a lawyer one day.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Daniealle Browning – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e danieallebrowning@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

There Has Never Been a Better Time To Support Our Kids

www.givestlday.org/fosteradopt

Give STL Day is Thursday, May 6th (add to your calendar), and the Coalition has set a goal of $180,000. That’s an ambitious goal, but there has never been a better time to support our kids.

Why?

We learned from the pandemic that connection is everything. But for children in foster care, isolation and loneliness are nothing new.

A stable family has the power to support, comfort, and heal – even through a crisis. Your support the past year helped hundreds of children find safe and nurturing homes.

Our work won’t be done until every child’s most basic need is met: the need for family.

You can help us ensure no child faces the future alone.

Your Dollar Can Have the Greatest Impact on Give STL Day

Give STL Day is the day when your dollar can have the greatest impact. That’s because of our unique mix of match dollars, power hours, and prizes.

First, every dollar you give on Give STL Day is doubled thanks to the Berges Family Foundation and our generous Match Fund donors. Second, by giving during Power Hours, your gift can be lifted by private dollars raised by the St. Louis Community Foundation. Power Hours will be 6AM – 7AM, 9AM – 10, 12PM – 1PM, 3PM – 4PM, 6PM – 7PM, and 10PM – 11PM. Finally, the Coalition can also win thousands of dollars in prizes for raising either the most dollars or having the most unique donors.

To maximize your gift on Give STL Day, make sure to give during a Power Hour!

Create a Personal Give STL Day Fundraising Page

Give STL Day is what’s called a peer-to-peer fundraiser, meaning the way to get ahead is to share the opportunity to give as widely as possible. Sharing the Coalition’s emails, social media posts, and Give STL Day donation link with your coworkers, friends, and family can be just as valuable as your gift itself.

The most effective thing you can do to help us meet our goal of $180,000 is to create a “fundraiser” through the St. Louis Community Foundation’s website. You get your own personal landing page to share with friends and family. By setting your own goal under your name, you significantly increase the odds of your network making a gift. The St. Louis Community Foundation even put together these amazing instructions on how to create your own fundraising team for Give STL Day!

Pro tip: when you share any of our posts, emails, or links to donate, don’t forget to add why you support the Coalition, studies show this personal touch makes people much more likely to donate!

One of the most powerful things you can do ahead of Give STL Day has nothing to do with money at all; remember why your support matters. Every dollar helps our expert staff find stable, supportive homes for kids who need them, and gives those families the support they need to help kids heal.

Your support on Give STL Day last year helped us meet the most basic need of hundreds of kids in St. Louis foster care: the need for family.

One Example of Your Impact in 2020

Linda, a single parent of one 9-year-old adopted child and 3 children in foster care under 3 years of age contacted the Coalition CareLine for support. One of the younger children who has been in the home since birth has many complicated diagnoses that require a multitude of therapeutic appointments every week. Prior to the pandemic, the foster parent had several supportive resources to help her coordinate care and transportation to make sure everyone got to where they needed to be, on time, and no one was left behind. During this time, however, she has been without nearly all of her supports. She has had her work reduced to part-time and, while creative, she is having a difficult time finding and paying babysitters to watch the babies while she takes the older child with medical and behavioral issues to all his appointments. The Coalition connected the foster parent to local resources and provided gift cards to help with immediate material needs. This support took some of the weight off of her shoulders as she navigated difficult challenges to help her children heal.

www.givestlday.org/fosteradopt

On April 7th, 2021 the Coalition was thrilled to thank some of our extraordinary volunteers for their wonderful contributions to our mission.

Because of the continuing COVID-19 pandemic, we had to get creative. We were elated that volunteers could attend our socially-distanced Appreciation Luncheon.

We wanted to give volunteers a safe and superior experience! Lunch and dessert was provided from the award-winning Nathaniel Reid Bakery. Volunteers all parked at Tilles Park and stayed in their vehicles for the event. They called into a phone number, and while they ate, the Coalition staff recognized each one of them and shared their enormous contributions to our organization.

Our work could not be possible without the support of our dedicated volunteers – we are so grateful for all of you!

The Volunteers of the Year recognized at our appreciation event were:

JIM MARTIN – STANDOUT BOARD OF DIRECTORS VOLUNTEER

• Jim first learned about the Coalition during a United Way presentation given to his law firm by our Executive Director Melanie Scheetz. He was convinced the Coalition was an organization he wanted to support.  When watching the news on KSDK Newschannel 5, he saw that we were at Walmart hosting Little Wishes Shopping Day and he hopped in his car and came out to personally hand us a donation.  That moment began a 13-year relationship between Jim and the Coalition.
• For the past 6 years, Jim has served on the Board of Directors.  An outspoken Board member, we love him for challenging the status quo and being a driver of excellence in all that we do.
• Jim has served on numerous ad-hoc committees and was a major contributing author of our strategic plan, improving the Coalition’s infrastructure to make us the strong $5 million organization we are today.
• Jim is the total package…generous with his time, talent, and treasure.  We are delighted to recognize him for all he does.

JULIE TRELOAR – STANDOUT COMMUNITY OUTREACH VOLUNTEER

• Julie created the organization DenimQuilts after watching how much her children adored and used the quilts their grandmother had made for each of them decades ago. Julie wanted to give something equally special to other children who might need warmth and comfort during a difficult time in their lives.
• Since then, Julie and her DenimQuilts volunteers have created more than 400 beautiful personalized quilts for foster children.
• The quilts have been so special because many of the children we serve have never owned something made just for them – these quilts are embroidered with the child’s name and fabric is specifically chosen to connect to one of the child’s favorite things. The heavyweight quilts are also a great weight for kids with sensory sensitivities to put over themselves to help calm them down during stressful times.
• We’re so thankful for Julie being the brain and heart behind DeminQuilts.

KAITLIN HRENAK – STANDOUT JUNIOR BOARD MEMBER

• Kaitlin joined our Junior Board only a few short years ago but immediately became a powerhouse volunteer and ambassador for the Coalition.
• She got involved with us after learning that the number of children in foster care was so much larger than she ever imagined. Kaitlin quickly started signing up to volunteer in all sorts of ways – Cinderella Project, the Back to School Bonanza giveaway, ReFresh, and more!
• Kaitlin also worked to get us two speaking engagements with the St. Louis Association of Health Underwriters. We love to make new friends!
• Natasha Leonard, the staff member who works most closely with the Junior Board, says “Kaitlin always brings fresh ideas and a go-getter attitude to the Junior Board. She is always willing to jump in and brings in friends, colleagues and family to support us also. Kaitlin shares a passion for our mission and our kids. She has been the ideal Junior Board Member and advocate for the Coalition. Thank you for all you do, Kaitlin!”

TONYA HOWARD – STANDOUT LITTLE WISHES VOLUNTEER

• Tonya started volunteering with the Coalition in 2016 as a member of a Wells Fargo volunteer group. Since 2017, she has been jumping in to help us in about every possible way – Cinderella Project, Birthday Buddies, Foster Friends, and as an in-office online holiday Little Wishes shopper.
• In 2018, Tonya used 1 week of her vacation time to help with holiday wishes. Ever since, Tonya has devoted 2 weeks of her vacation time every year to volunteer with holiday Little Wishes.
• Shelley Thomas-Benke, the Coalition’s Volunteer Director, soon “promoted” Tonya to a leadership role – training other volunteers on how to find the highest quality toys for the best prices and process each order meticulously.
• When asked why she’s so devoted to the Coalition, Tonya said “it melts my heart to see the staff working so hard to make sure each child feels special while searching for their forever family. It is a great feeling knowing you played a small part in making a child happy. I am so glad I found my forever charity.”

DEBBIE GRAY, ELIZABETH MAIZE, JUDY STEFFANS, LEAH STROUP, and KEVIN WISNIEWSKI –  STANDOUT REFRESH VOLUNTEERS

• Our ReFresh managers just could not choose one individual as their outstanding volunteer of the year–the entire group we affectionately call “The Fab Five” needed to be recognized together. These incredibly dedicated women keep the stockroom running like a well-oiled machine and share their diverse knowledge and experience to collaborate on business strategies and processes.
• DEBBIE GRAY was the brains behind the very popular ReFresh Dot Sale, a big success in turning over inventory, and she also fills a huge need by stepping in as a fill-in manager whenever requested.
• ELIZABETH MAIZE is our merchandising megastar, creating guidelines to make sure the store is organized in an aesthetically-pleasing way. She was instrumental in helping ReFresh become a real presence in the Bridal Market and is a fill-in manager as well.
• JUDY STEFFANS is the queen of jewelry and accessories– a best seller at ReFresh, Judy always makes sure we plenty of it displayed. In addition, Judy and her accounting background help us make sure that we squeeze every possible penny out of our operations.
• LEAH STROUP is always finding new ways to make ReFresh’s processes more efficient so it can earn the biggest profit possible to support the Coalition’s mission. Leah is so dedicated to the success of ReFresh and the Coalition that she’s been known to volunteer more than 40 hours in a week.
• KEVIN WISNIEWSKI is our fashionable #1 longest-running ReFresh volunteer and always offers terrific perspective since she has seen the many different evolutions of the store.

CARI WEGGE – STANDOUT SPECIAL EVENTS VOLUNTEER

• Our Executive Director Melanie Scheetz met Cari on the United Way’s Women’s Leadership Society and thought this passionate, intelligent and busy adoptive mom would be an excellent Coalition Board member someday.
• Cari volunteered at the Coalition as a Foster Friend and holiday Little Wishes volunteer, then joined the Board of Directors in 2015, and became a superstar member of the Sizzle Committee beginning in 2016.
• During Cari’s time on the Sizzle Committee, the event became the Coalition’s largest in-person fundraising event and it broke all records at the last event in November 2019. Cari is a terrific Coalition ambassador, she’s always willing to round up her friends and neighbors to support our events.
• Cari has also made a long-lasting impact on our Board of Directors as a Vice President and Nominating Chair! To date, she has shepherded seven successful Board nominations with more on the way.

TOM KIRCHER – STANDOUT SPECIAL PROJECTS VOLUNTEER

• Tom has been with the Coalition since the year 2000, first as an employee and then as a volunteer. After retiring from 30 years with the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services, Tom joined the Coalition to help us recruit Illinois foster parents. It was a 2 year position, but Tom stayed on for 13 years, recruiting hundreds of Missouri and Illinois foster/adoptive parents.
• Tom has always been willing to provide his wisdom, guidance, and mentorship to our management team. He’s played a large and vital role in growing the Coalition to be the nationally-recognized agency that it is today.
• After Mr. T finally retired from the Coalition, Rossi Summers, our Director of Operations, immediately snatched him up to help her with tasks she would never trust to anyone except Tom.
• Tom also volunteers every year with holiday Little Wishes and at our annual Hope in a Handbag event. Tom is still part of the Coalition team, we couldn’t imagine the Coalition without him!

MICHELLE SHOCKLEY – STANDOUT SPECIAL PROJECTS VOLUNTEER

• It is impossible to overstate Michelle’s commitment to foster children and the Coalition’s mission. Through her 20 years of work with KSDK’s A Place to Call Home program, 464 foster children have found their forever families.
• Even after retiring, Michelle continues to oversee the producing of the KSDK A Place To Call Home spots. No exaggeration – Michelle remembers details about literally every child who was ever featured on the program.
• When asked why she’s so passionate the Coalition, Michelle said “it started as a job, then evolved into so much more. I realized that these are kids that people have forgotten about. Getting to see and interact with those children and hearing their stories, it just broke my heart…and made me SO committed to helping them find forever families.”
• Michelle has also been a compassionate mentor and advocate to a youth who was on APTCH years ago, a relationship she still continues. In addition, Michelle was a very involved Board of Directors member for many years.
• We are the luckiest organization around that Michelle found us, loves our kids as passionately as we do, and puts her heart and soul into supporting them.

MOMS CLUB OF KIRKWOOD – STANDOUT VOLUNTEER GROUP

• The wonderful Katie Werner has been volunteering with us for 15 years. After she had children of her own, Katie joined the MOMS Club of Kirkwood, and connected that group to the Coalition.
• Since then, MOMS Club of Kirkwood has become one of our most reliable go-to groups that we keep in our hip pocket and know we can reach out to whenever we have a special need.
• When this MOMS Club takes on a project for us, they always go way above and beyond! They have provided hundreds of backpacks and school supplies to our kids, sponsored several Birthday Buddies, and at Christmastime they always adopt one or more of our families who has had particularly difficult time that year. And they really go ALL OUT, bringing us stacks and stacks of gifts that truly give these children Christmas memories of a lifetime.
• Another one of the things we love about this MOMS Club is that their own kids are clearly involved in helping collect and deliver their donations, sharing our belief that it’s never too early to teach philanthropy to their children.

Join us for Give STL Day 2021 on May 6.

Your investment on Give STL Day last year allowed us to change 2020 from a threat to an opportunity. Rather than widespread instability and further trauma, our families experienced unparalleled support. Your support over the years made that possible. The Coalition had the luxury of being agile, proactive, and intentional because thousands of individuals, foundations, corporations, and advocates have empowered us into a position to do so.

Within a week of lockdown, we launched the Coalition CareLine to quickly help foster, adoptive, and guardianship families connect to services.

With your support, we were able to quickly help families meet their most pressing needs:

A single parent of one 9-year-old adopted child and 3 children in foster care under 3 years of age contacted the Coalition CareLine for support. One of the younger children who has been in the home since birth has many complicated diagnoses that require a multitude of therapeutic appointments every week. Prior to the pandemic, the foster parent had several supportive resources to help her coordinate care and transportation to make sure everyone got to where they needed to be, on time, and no one was left behind. During this time, however, she has been without nearly all of her supports. She has had her work reduced to part-time and, while creative, she is having a difficult time finding and paying babysitters to watch the babies while she takes the older child with medical and behavioral issues to all his appointments. The Coalition connected the foster parent to local resources and provided gift cards to help with immediate material needs. This support took some of the weight off of her shoulders as she navigated difficult challenges to help her children heal.

As classrooms were shut down, meetings were canceled, and parents were asked to homeschool their children, kids with special needs were left particularly vulnerable. Claire, Director of Educational Advocacy, received a call from a family she worked with prior to the COVID-19 crisis. They struggled to connect with their child’s school to reschedule an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) meeting to allow their child to receive the services they needed to be successful. Claire pushed the school to remind them of their legal responsibility to the child and was able to schedule the IEP meeting. During that meeting they discussed the child’s services for the future, but also how their needs could be met during remote learning. This pandemic has revealed the precariousness of our community’s most vulnerable students. But thanks to Claire’s advocacy, there is one more child who will receive an effective education during the pandemic and beyond.

Shonetta, a 30 Days to Family® Specialist, received a referral for a baby who was born to a mother struggling with drug addiction. The baby’s mother had several other children already placed with multiple relatives who were at their maximum capacity and unable to take one more child. The baby was placed in a foster home with strangers. Unfortunately, family member after family member was unable or unwilling to accept this baby into their home. But Shonetta did not give up! Through hard work and persistence, she was able to find a maternal fourth cousin who was willing to take in the baby even while expecting a baby of her own! While most of the world has paused, child abuse and neglect has not stopped for COVID-19, but neither has Shonetta or the Coalition’s 30 Days to Family Program.

At the start of the pandemic, we knew this was an opportunity for foster, adoptive, and guardianship parents to show the kids in their care that stress does not always lead to abuse or neglect. But to show our kids that hard times do not mean they have to hurt, we had to make sure these caregivers felt supported, and that they knew they were not alone.

Thanks to you, we were able to shape that reality for thousands of St. Louis children in 2020. 

Join us for Give STL Day 2021 on May 6.

To commemorate social work appreciation month, we turned the spotlight to the real engine of change at the Coalition: our program staff.

We interviewed 14 of them so they could share their journey in the child welfare field – what inspired them to do this work, some of their favorite aspects, words of wisdom for the community, and hopes for the future. Their responses? Beyond inspiring!

Our staff’s unmatched passion, innovation, and care in the pursuit of justice for kids impacted by foster care radiate from each one of their answers. They fiercely work to overcome the challenges of an imperfect child welfare system, to connect with kids, guard their best interest, and ensure their voices are heard. They truly believe in kids, and are intentional in affirming their value to help give youth the confidence they need to flourish. They work tirelessly so that every child can have a safe and loving home.

These incredible individuals not only want to make a difference, but their ultimate goal is to work themselves out of a job! We dream that one day, communities are so strong and children are so loved that our services are no longer needed. Until then, these dedicated professionals are ready to stand up for our kids and families.

Cheers to all child welfare professionals in the field! Thank you for your hard work and dedication to keep our community’s children safe.

As you read these powerful interviews, we hope you are as inspired as we were!

Coalition: What inspired you to work with youth in foster care?

Program Staff:

• I really loved working with teenagers and found that it was a great opportunity for me to work directly with teens. Once I started working with teenagers in foster care, I became passionate about giving them autonomy to make decisions for themselves when safe and healthy. It’s always been my favorite part of working with foster and adoptive youth.
• Working in foster care was not my plan, but once I entered this world, the desire to advocate and help our children was the only place I could envision myself working.
• I was a foster/adoptive parent and was faced with many challenges advocating for my placements and navigating the systems.
• My daughter came to me at the age of 5 as a relative placement. I knew virtually nothing about the foster care system, trauma, or even raising a kid. She initially had many strong behaviors and emotions, and it seemed like no one in the system knew what to do or how to help. Those issues bled into the school, whereby in 3rd grade, she had been suspended 50+ times. Knowing the struggles she had, especially in school, made me realize that some out there have it so much harder because they don’t know how to navigate the educational systems. If I, as an educator, struggled so greatly, it would be nearly impossible for someone who didn’t know the system to figure it all out.
• I did my undergrad practicum in a foster care agency and was really struck by how difficult the lives of children in foster care are. There is no control over where you live, where you can go to school, when you can see your family, or when you can travel. I thought that maybe if I could help children with any small thing to make their lives a little easier, I wanted to be that person.
• My community inspired me. I always knew I wanted to be part of the helping field. Being a part of Child Welfare and assisting in some fashion to ensure that children are protected was a goal for me for a very long time.
• I really enjoy working with teenagers.
• My mom entered foster care at birth and was adopted, and I have many family members and friends who were adopted. When I was in high school, I took a social justice class and researched the foster care system, which sparked my interest in becoming a Social Worker. As soon as I began studying social work in college, I knew that my dream job was to work with children in foster care.
• During my undergraduate work, I chose to do my practicum (internship) at the Illinois Dept. of Children & Family Services. The rest is history, and I’m in my 31st year. I’m still working to improve the foster care system and the little lives it impacts.
• Throughout my upbringing, I was called upon to care for significant loved ones. My experience caring for my own family guided me towards the field of social work.
• I, like many others in the field, stumbled into it. Once I was in, I found my passion for connecting kids with family, and I am hooked!
• Seeing the struggles of my foster/adopted nephews firsthand made me want to do everything in my power to make the world of every foster and adoptive youth a little bit brighter.
• My mother was raised in an abusive and vulnerable environment growing up. As I learned more about her story, I was in awe of her resilience and knew that more could have been done to protect her. I knew from a young age that I would devote my life to the care and protection of children. She serves as my inspiration.
• I began working with STL CASA in 2016, and that experience opened my eyes to the unique needs of children in foster care. I was also able to see firsthand the huge impact that just one person can have on a child in foster and adoptive youth.  From these experiences, I eventually choose to work with foster and adoptive youth, but I also became a foster parent.

Coalition: What is your favorite part of working with kids impacted by foster care?

Program Staff:

• My favorite part about working with children impacted by foster care is watching how much they grow and develop when they’re allowed to make certain decisions for themselves and have a voice in their future. So often, I think we as adults can get stuck in making difficult decisions without ever wondering what the child might want. Does the child want to stay in their original school? Do they want to come to court and talk to the judge or not? What would they like for lunch after a hard appointment? I think the littlest things can help children develop into the adults that they eventually become, and I love seeing that evolution in kids I’ve known for years.
• Those small victories, because we often don’t see the big ones.
• Witnessing the transformation of a family as they heal and repair.
• Their smiles. These kids have often been through the worst and seen more than most adults have…but yet you get them on the basketball court or start talking about their favorite movie, and their faces still light up in the biggest smiles.
• I love that look when they’ve learned or done something new – trusted someone enough to be hugged, discovered how their trauma impacts them, been vulnerable enough to cry, felt safe enough to express a differing opinion, or set boundaries with others to help themselves grow – this is the deep work of children in foster care, and I love watching that process.
• Seeing families overcome difficult situations.
• I really like teenage humans. I think they are an unappreciated demographic.
• I have a lot of favorite parts of working with kids impacted by foster care, but I think my most favorite is the small (but big) victories. When I have a breakthrough conversation with one of my kiddos or hear a kiddo being able to express themselves after not doing so for so long, those small (but big) victories make all of the hard work worth it.
• Providing them with opportunities to be kids and enjoy the moment.
• Ultimately, reunification is the ideal outcome. The reunification process gives me personally and the agency I work for the opportunity and the privilege to reconnect families.  The more we increase successful reunification, the more we reduce stress on the foster home demand.
• My favorite thing about working with children in foster care is sharing experiences with them. Every child comes from their own unique background, but we all have similarities as well.
• Well, I love working with kids – so I love working with kids impacted by foster care. Because that is what they are – just kids.  Their ability to grow, change and heal is always inspiring and incredible.

Coalition: If you could tell the world anything about foster care, what would it be?

Program Staff:

• Children’s lives are better when, if possible, they can have connections to biological families. I have seen some really beautiful blended families where foster or adoptive parents and birth families can be a part of the child’s life together. Children need all the love they can get, and when appropriate communication and healthy boundaries are in place, it’s a beautiful thing.
• We are all just one mistake away from being in the system. The families we work with and the children we serve could very easily be ours, and no matter what, they deserve respect and understanding.
• Becoming a Foster Parent requires more than the motivation to love a child and to want to provide a “safe” environment….it requires unconditional commitment and providing lifelong connections.
• Anyone involved in foster care in any aspect needs more support than they are getting. Caseworkers are tired and overloaded, biological families often feel so much shame and powerlessness and sometimes just need supports to help them succeed, foster families are dealing with children who have experienced the worst and just need someone there for them, and the kids need a trauma-informed and caring village around them to love on them and support them.
• That it just takes ONE positive connection to increase resiliency in kiddos. Become a respite provider. Donate clothes, shoes, diapers, luggage to local foster care agencies. Become a mentor. Most of all, treat all children with empathy. Be that ONE person.
• Children deserve more than what we are providing to them.
• It’s a system that needs a lot of work.
• If I could tell the world anything about foster care, it would be that getting involved is so worth it. People often say that they are afraid of getting attached or it seems too risky, but the good outweighs the bad, and the benefits outweigh the risks. Not everyone has the capacity to become a foster parent, but you can volunteer, organize, and donate. No amount of time or energy or heart is too little!
• No one is happy when a child is removed from the home and placed in foster care.
• Foster care is a necessary and beneficial service and/or calling; however, over the years, the integrity of foster care in some regard has deteriorated. Foster care has been monetized to the extent that children’s best interests are not properly considered in regards to placement decisions and efforts towards reunification with family.  Furthermore, the administration of foster contracts, which includes a daily rate of care per child, often drives budgetary decisions that frequently impact a child’s permanency.
• I think there’s a common misconception that children in foster care need to be “fixed,” when really they just need a change of parenting styles. Sometimes fixing the caregiver is the actual challenge.
• I would eradicate the stigma surrounding foster children and help people understand that kids are in foster care through no fault of their own. They are deserving and worthy of stable childhoods, love, and nurturing like every other child.
• The day-to-day of foster care is pretty normal – kids go to school, have birthday parties, make friends, scrape their knees, and have beautiful lives. Yes, there are difficult times and trauma to work through, but foster care is often the safety net that allows families to heal and move forward during adversity.

Coalition: In a perfect world, what would foster care look like?

Program Staff:

• In a perfect world, foster care would not exist. Families would have the resources and ability to provide for children close to them and have community supports to keep children in the home. Foster parents can be incredibly loving and supportive, and in the current system, I think that should not be dismissed. But in a perfect world, we would not have children entering a state system.
• There would be no foster care.
• Unfortunately, there is no perfect foster care. The initiative to become more skilled in caring for our families would mean the whole child welfare system would be trained to increase knowledge in trauma and teaming skills.
• It would look like a well-oiled machine where all parts talked to each other; where child welfare workers would not be overworked and  could really get to know the children and families (bio and foster) they serve. All families would feel absolutely supported in every aspect of caring for their children.
• Entire communities focused on healing trauma! Linking new foster parents with experienced respite providers who live close by from day 1; education and certification for mental health professionals working with children and teens with trauma; acknowledging and treating case manager burnout on a macro-scale so that the child’s worker doesn’t leave after a year; not having to wait on a list for a referral for mentoring because everyone in your community is dedicated to being a natural support for children.
• Foster care would keep children as close to their origins as possible when there was a true need for them to be outside of their home. Foster care would be minimal because resources would be abundant. Every need would be met quickly because caseload sizes would be reasonable for every child welfare worker. Foster care experiences would be reduced because services would be plentiful. The voice of the children and family would be the primary source of direction.
• In a perfect world, foster care would not exist.
• In a “perfect” world, I don’t think the foster care system would exist or be needed. In an ideal world, foster care would be much more family-friendly. We would support families more before children need to be removed from homes, and if it did come down to removal being necessary, we would always try to place with relatives or kin. We would support parents more through services that they genuinely need, and we would be able to offer more supports to make time spent in foster care less traumatic for children.
• In a perfect world, everyone would work together, always focusing on the child’s best interest.
• In a perfect world, there wouldn’t be a need for foster care and/or adoption; however, my vision for a better foster care system is that children are not treated like foster children.
• I would love to see foster care be shorter-term and far more geared towards reunification with parents.
• Significant funding would go toward prevention services and supporting birth families, and kids would only come into foster care when absolutely necessary. Foster youth would be thoughtfully and intentionally placed with family members or foster families who are a good fit for that particular child instead of being with the first available placement.
• In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need it. Otherwise, I’d love to see relative placement and family finding be the absolute standard for all our kids. I would like to have less dependence on traditional foster homes and residential placements, especially because evidence already shows that stability and permanency outcomes are better for children living in relative care.
• I want children to have a childhood they do not feel the need to escape from. A childhood full of love and belonging regardless of whether or not they enter foster care. In a perfect world, foster care would be seen as a community-based need instead of an issue isolated to individual families.  Community action and wrap-around services would provide biological families and foster families with the same level of support, and everyone would be treated with dignity.

Watch Gary’s feature on “A Place to Call Home.”

Gary is a kind and helpful 13-year-old looking for his forever family. Gary loves all animals, but horses are his favorite. Gary enjoys horseback riding and spending time outside. He also enjoys shopping at his favorite store, Dollar Tree. He has a good sense of humor and is always willing to lend a helping hand. Gary is in 8th grade and math and reading are his favorite subjects. Gary’s interests include shopping, spending time with animals, watching his favorite show, Once Upon a Time, and spending time with his foster family. Gary would like a forever family with pets, two parents, and one or two siblings.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

This year we celebrate 10 years of our 30 Days to Family® program in the St. Louis area with a BIG milestone: we will soon reach 1,000 kids served!

30 Days to Family® helps place kids with relatives, significantly reducing their time in foster care and creating stable placements by weaving together a robust support system. This short intervention has a long-lasting impact on children’s lives: kids experience a lot less trauma and develop strong family connections that will last a lifetime.

Ten years have passed, and we are in awe of the incredible impact the 30 Days to Family® program has made in the lives of children entering foster care, their families, and the child welfare community in St. Louis and across the country.

To celebrate this decade, AND the exciting milestone of serving 1000 kids in the St. Louis area, we will take a trip down memory lane, recounting 30 Days to Family® history, highlighting the team’s immeasurable impact through the years, and circling back to a few of the stories from our 30 Days to Family® specialists’ first few cases.

For now, we’ll jump right into how it all started…

For years, much of the focus of Coalition programs had been finding families for kids after they had lingered in foster care for a while. Through the Extreme Recruitment® program, our staff became exceptionally skilled at family search and engagement, finding an incredible number of placement options and supports within the children’s relative and kinship network. Until one day we asked ourselves: what if we didn’t wait to intervene until kids desperately needed a family? We could use the same principles to find families for kids before they had to wait in the system for months or even years. And thus, 30 Days to Family® was born in March of 2011– building on the success of Extreme Recruitment^® – to work with kids as soon as they enter foster care, to get them to family as quickly as possible.

The Coalition’s Executive Director, Melanie Scheetz, inspired the initial vision for 30 Days to Family®, which was further developed into a program by Melanie Moredock, the Coalition’s first 30 Days to Family® program director and now Director of Program Replication at the Institute for Child Welfare Innovation. It is essential to highlight that none of this would have been possible without the generous support of Christopher Reid and Jennifer DeLaney, the very first 30 Days to Family® investors.

After Mr. Reid served on the Coalition’s Board of Directors for six years, he and Jennifer felt compelled to leave a legacy for children impacted by foster care by supporting an innovative, groundbreaking intervention that would significantly transform kids’ future. Their seed funding made it possible to hire the first 30 Days to Family® staff member, Melanie Moredock, and start the program in St. Louis City and St. Louis County. Since then, our in-house team has grown to a unit of six and–with the support from other funders including the United Way of Greater St. Louis, St. Louis County Children’s Service Fund, The Mental Health Board, the Community & Children’s Resource Board, an anonymous foundation, and hundreds of small gifts from individuals–the program has expanded to serve St. Charles and Jefferson Counties.  

Thanks to the support from the Children’s Service Fund opportunity fund and an anonymous funder, Policy Works, a think tank in Virginia, carried out a rigorous, independent study of the 30 Days to Family® program. The results were astounding! This evaluation tested the program’s theory of change, confirming that children served by 30 Days to Family® do better through improved caregiver connections and community involvement, relieves stress on caregivers due to increased supports, and even saves taxpayer dollars to the tune of more than $10,000 per child. The full findings of this independent study were published in the Child Welfare Journal in October 2019. A follow-up study of our replication sites has been completed and cost savings were sustained in 15 counties across Ohio. Findings will be published in early 2021.

As of February 2021, 30 Days to Family® has been rated in the California Evidence-Based Clearinghouse for Child Welfare (CEBC). This means the program is scientifically rated as Promising Research Evidence and given a High Child Welfare System Relevance Level.

It didn’t take long for 30 Days to Family® to garner national attention! This intervention has been replicated in Ohio, Virginia, Oregon, and other States. The number of agencies across the country interested in replicating the 30 Days to Family® program grew, and the Coalition sought a solution to preserve our mission to serve children and families in the Saint Louis area. As a result, on December 2019, the Institute for Child Welfare Innovation was created to take on the efforts of training, scaling, and replicating the Coalition’s 30 Days to Family® Program.

In St. Louis, our talented 30 Days to Family Specialists continue placing kids with relatives/kin, and connecting kids with family and life-long resources to help them thrive. Day in and day out, our Specialists find an average of 150 relatives per case, and overcome seemingly impossible material and emotional barriers to make sure kids go to the best family to love, protect, and nurture them amidst the profound trauma they’ve experienced.

In the next couple of weeks, we will be sharing some of our kid’s stories highlighting the power of family and robust support in creating placement stability. Stay tuned!

During the holidays, we are inundated with messages from a number of sources (movies, music, TV, social media, commercials) about how we should be feeling joyful, happy, and thankful. Surrounded by loving (and attractive) family, laughter, fancy food served at perfectly set tables and loads of expensive gifts, these images rarely reflect the truth for the majority of people. For children in foster care, conflicting loyalties and lost dreams can make the holidays an even more especially difficult time. They often report feeling especially vulnerable, lonely and sad, at a time when they are expected to feel exactly the opposite.

What can those of us caring for these children and youth do or say to ease the pain?

Top 5 Tips

1. Prepare the foster youth in your care for the holidays in your home

Have a discussion with the young person about your family’s holiday customs. Do you celebrate over multiple days, or is there one “main” celebration? Are there religious customs? Will gifts be exchanged? What should they wear? Who will they meet? What preparations need to be done in advance? Will there be visitors to the home? Will they be taken on visits to the homes of other family or friends? And in all of these events, will your youth be expected to participate? Knowing what to expect will help to decrease anxiety around the holidays. Avoid surprises and you will decrease seasonal tensions.

Of equal importance is to help them talk about their memories of the holidays. Be prepared for anything from fantasies to reports of no memories of anything at all. Give them space to talk and be prepared to validate any feelings they may share with you. Find ways to incorporate any traditions they remember into your family’s celebration.

2. Help them make sure their loved ones are okay

Young people may worry that their family members are struggling through the holidays. If homelessness has been a regular issue, the winter season may bring cold weather and extreme hardship. Your youth may experience guilt if they feel a loved one is struggling while they, the youth, are living in comfort. Knowing that a biological parent or sibling has shelter from the cold or has their other basic needs met may ease a young person’s mind through the always emotional holidays.

3. Understand and encourage your youth’s own traditions and beliefs

Encourage discussion about the holiday traditions your young person experienced prior to being in foster care, or even celebrations they liked while living with other foster families. Incorporate the traditions the youth cherishes into your own family celebration, if possible. Use the opportunity to investigate the youth’s culture and research customary traditions. If the young person holds a religious belief different from yours, or if their family did, check into the traditions customarily surrounding those beliefs.

4. Assist in purchasing or making holiday gifts or in sending cards to their family and friends

Allow young people to purchase small gifts for their relatives, or help them craft homemade gifts. Help send holiday cards to those that they want to stay connected with. The list of people that your youth wishes to send cards and gifts to should be left completely to the youth, although precautions may be taken to ensure safety (for example, a return address may be left off the package, or use the address of the foster care agency) and compliance with any court orders.

5. Understand if they pull away

Despite your best efforts, a young person may simply withdraw during the holidays. Understand that this detachment most likely is not intended to be an insult or a reflection of how they feel about you, but rather is their own coping mechanism. Allow for “downtime” during the holidays that will allow the youth some time to themselves if they need it (although some youth would prefer to stay busy to keep their mind off other things — you will need to make a decision based on your knowledge of the young person). Be sure to fit in one-on-one time, personal time for your youth and you to talk through what they are feeling during this emotional and often confusing time of year.

More Tips

6. Remember confidentiality

You may receive well-intended but prying questions from those you visit with over the holidays. If your young person is new to your home, it is natural that family members ask questions about your youth’s background. As much as possible, have these conversations ahead of time, without the youth present. Understand that questions are generally not meant to be insensitive or rude, but simply come from a place of not knowing much about foster care. Think in advance about how to answer these questions while maintaining your youth’s confidentiality. Use the opportunity to educate interested family and friends. Pre-establish the boundaries for information sharing.

Discuss with your young person how they would like to be introduced and what is appropriate to share about their history with your family and friends. (Remember, they have no obligation to reveal their past.) Help them to set boundaries and consider a private “signal” to use if they feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

7. Arrange meeting your family in advance, if possible

The hustle and bustle of the holidays can make it particularly chaotic for your young person to participate in your family traditions. Anxiety may run high for young people already, and the stress of meeting your relatives may be a lot to deal with. If possible, you can arrange a casual “meeting” in advance of “main events.” If it is not possible or practical to meet beforehand, make a list of names of some of the people they’ll meet and their connection to you. You can also encourage a quick call from relatives you plan to visit to deliver a personal message of “we are excited to meet you” so that your youth knows they will be welcome. Consider making a “hostess” gift with the youth to present to the host of the party. Homemade gifts are always welcome!

8. Have extra presents ready to help offset differences

It should not be expected that all relatives purchase presents for your youth. Be prepared with other small gifts and for those family members that express concern over not having brought a gift, offer one of your “backups” for them to place under the tree. Extra presents may be addressed “from Santa”, even for older youth, to help offset a larger number of gifts other children may receive at the same time. Children often keep count of the number of gifts received (right or wrong) and use it to compare with other kids, so sometimes quantity is important.

At times, foster youth receive gifts from people they do not know. Asking a child to identify gift(s) for their wish list is often met with confusion, resistance or other equally charged emotions. We have to remind ourselves that our excitement and enthusiasm for these types of gifts may not be their experience. In some circumstances, these youth may not have celebrated Christmas before or they are not used to asking for a “gift” but rather for some basic need (i.e., toiletries or food). When encouraged to think “bigger”—beyond just what they need and ask for something that they want—foster children often struggle. Intense thoughts and fears arise: Am I disloyal to my birth parents by requesting/accepting gifts? Does this mean I won’t be home by Christmas?

It’s often our role to help foster youth understand that the community’s desire to give them gifts means only that they are loved. You may need to guard against well-meaning people’s desire to “give a happy holiday for such a deprived, abused little child,” protecting the children from such toxic sentiments.

9. Facilitate visits with loved ones

The holidays can be a busy time for everyone including foster parents and caseworkers. But it is especially important during this time of year to help your young person arrange for visits with loved ones. Don’t allow busy schedules to mean the postponement of these important visits. Try to get permission for your youth to make phone calls to relatives. A youth may wish to extend holiday wishes to relatives and friends from an old neighborhood, but may need your help getting phone numbers together. Use the opportunity to help the youth develop their own address book. If the youth cannot visit, consider including their birth families in your thoughts and prayers. If you are making homemade gifts, consider making ones for the birth family, even if they cannot be delivered immediately.

This is a time when many foster youth feel deeply conflicted about their birth families and worry about them. It is a good time to let them know it is okay for them to be safe and cared for even if their birth family is struggling. Reassure them, if you can, about the safety and care of those they are missing.

10. Extend an invitation

If it is safe and allowed by your foster care agency, consider extending an invitation to siblings or birth parents through the holidays. It need not be an invitation to your “main” holiday event, consider a “special” dinner for your youth to celebrate with their loved ones. If this not a possibility to do within your home, consider arranging a visit at a local restaurant (ask the caseworker is it would be appropriate for the visit to be unsupervised or if your supervision would suffice). Extending an invitation to their loved ones need not signal to a young person that you support their birth family’s lifestyle or choices — rather it tells a young person that you respect their wish to stay connected to family. You will also send a message to the youth that they aren’t being put in a position to “choose” your family over their bio-family and that it is possible to have a relationship with all the people they care about.

11. Call youth who formerly lived with you

The holidays can be a particularly tough time for youth who have recently aged out of foster care. They may not have people to visit or a place to go for the holidays. In addition, young people commonly struggle financially when they first leave foster care. A single phone call may lift their spirits and signal that you continue to care for them and treasure their friendship. Be sure to include these youth on your own holiday card list. A small token gift or gift basket of homemade holiday goodies may be especially appreciated. Most importantly, it is essential to let adoptees, foster children, and those who have aged out of the system know that they are not alone and they are not to blame for their losses.

12. Prepare friends and family before you visit

Let people know in advance about new family members in your home. Surprising a host or hostess at the door with a “new” foster youth may set up an awkward situation — such as a scramble to set an extra place at the table — making the young person feel like an imposition right from the start of the visit. Your preparation of friends should help cut down on awkward, but reasonable questions such as “who are you?” or “where did you come from?”

Also prepare the youth for what to expect. Talk about upcoming events and the people who will be there. If they have not met before, introduce them with old photos or stories about them. Prepare them for the “characters” in your family. Tell them if the celebration will be formal or informal, what to wear, what they will do there, if is a quiet or loud affair, and how long you will stay. If “please” and “thank you” will be expected, role play with the youth until they are comfortable with such expressions.

13. Understandable behavioral reactions:

Be prepared for the sadness and grief. Talk about your child’s feelings throughout the season.

Give your children time and space to grieve. Grief takes many forms and may be exhibited in lots of ways, including:

• Reverting back to younger behaviors developmentally
• Soiling themselves or bedwetting
• Becoming withdrawn and isolated
• Having temper tantrums
• Being rebellious
• Complaining more than usual
• Needing to be extra busy to avoid feeling

Try to remember the developmental age of the children you foster. It will also help you to stay patient if you keep in mind the challenges of the season for your child before you react.

Expressions of gratitude don’t often come readily from kids in foster care. Not because they aren’t grateful, but more often because they are in survival mode, especially during the holidays. Amazingly, more kids than not want to know who they can thank for their gifts. Help them to write thank you notes or make “thank you” phone calls to those who made their day extra special.

14. Religious Differences & the Holidays

The holidays can be tough for foster families. Children in care miss their families and their traditions, while at the same time they may want to be part of the activities of the foster family. When there’s a religious difference between the child’s family and the foster family, things can become even more complicated.

Religion can be a sensitive issue. Legally, birth parents have the right to choose their children’s religion or lack of religion. Placement of their child in foster care does not take away this right.

Of course, most foster parents try to respect the culture and religious customs of the children in their care. But what does this mean when it comes to religion?

The answer lies in establishing open lines of communication among foster parents, DSS, and the birth family. If your agency knows how you feel about religious issues (for example, if prayer makes you feel uncomfortable, or if you feel compelled to convert children and their families), it will make informed placement decisions.

This communication works both ways. The more you know about the religion, traditions, and preferences of birth families, the easier it will be for you to act in a way that honors their beliefs.

Gianna’s father, Joseph, was struggling with drug addiction when Gianna came into foster care at 11 years old. Her mother had passed away and Joseph was Gianna’s sole caregiver. As Gianna’s case progressed, her father was unable to overcome his struggle with substance use and a judge made Gianna available for adoption.

Gianna suffered immense trauma before entering foster care, both due to the death of her mother and then the loss of her father and her home when she was placed with a foster family. Growing up in the system like she did makes healing from trauma an extremely difficult process. Children heal in the context of stable relationships with loving, supportive adults. But for kids in care, stability is often the exception, not the rule.

As she entered her teen years, Gianna struggled with behavioral issues and coped with her difficult past through self-harm. She needed someone to step up, commit to her, and love her unconditionally so she could finally heal.

Edna Green, an Extreme Recruiter, was assigned to the case in May of 2017. She relentlessly searched for family who could care for Gianna the way she needed, but no one stepped up. It was difficult to find someone to adopt Gianna when no one would look past the behavioral issues to see the sweet, caring, and creative girl inside coping with her life circumstances.

In October 2019, Delaney and Judah, the parents of one of Gianna’s friends, expressed interest in adopting her. This out of the box option received opposition from Gianna’s professional team. Edna deployed Hannah Woods, a Families United Specialist at the Coalition, to meet with the family to explain the process of becoming a licensed relative placement for Gianna. Edna was sure that Hannah’s thorough exploration of this family would help the team see that this was best for Gianna. This was her forever family.

Hannah enrolled Delaney and Judah in Relative Foster Parent Training, Trauma Training, and two other trainings for youth with behavioral issues. She worked closely with them to help them understand Gianna’s past and the support she would need to overcome the trauma she had experienced. The family moved into a bigger home just so Gianna could have her own space. By this point, Gianna’s team was beginning to come around.

In December 2019, Gianna was placed in a psychiatric hospital. Her foster parent at the time would not allow Gianna to return to her home, so Hannah advocated for Gianna’s placement with Delaney and Judah rather than moving in with yet another stranger. Hannah assured the team that Delaney and Judah were ready and that Hannah would be right there with them to provide guidance and support as they navigated their new lives with Gianna.

As soon as she moved in the team knew this was the right place. Delaney and Judah were very playful with Gianna. They met her where she was at and used life experience to relate to her. Even with this positive progress, the team was still reluctant to consider this a success; they worried Gianna was just in the “honeymoon phase” of her new placement. Hannah worked hard to prepare the family for when things would get difficult.

Today, Gianna has been home for eight months. She looks better than ever, she is happier, and she is taking an active role in her own case by participating in meetings and advocating for herself. After five years in the foster care system, Gianna finally feels safe enough to heal.

Mariah* spent 2 of her last 3 years in foster care bouncing in and out of residential facilities.  When she transitioned to the residential facility, she had an IEP in place.  The residential facility refused to hold the annual IEP meeting when the case manager requested it, so her IEP was over a year old and therefore, out-of-date when she transitioned to a foster home.  When Mariah moved into her new foster home, she had an expired IEP and hadn’t been in a traditional school setting in years. But, as we see too often with kids in foster care, Mariah was immediately enrolled in general education classes with limited special education support. Not only did she have to adjust to this completely new setting, she had to do it during virtual learning in the middle of a pandemic. She has very little experience using a computer, and no experience with the learning platforms her new school requires.  Her foster parents say Mariah feels completely defeated.  Mariah says that she feels totally lost and most of the time has no idea what the teachers are asking her to do.

 Jason* started 9^th grade at a new school.  He, like many kids who have experienced trauma, needs relationships to feel safe.  Zoom classrooms with adults and children he doesn’t know make him anxious.  He is now refusing to participate, becoming verbally and physically aggressive when his foster mom tries to encourage him. Recently, he cussed out the school counselor when she called the house to see why he hadn’t logged on for Math.

Like Mariah, many kids in foster care have had very little experience with technology. Maybe they could never afford a home device, or maybe they had to share with several siblings. Like Jason, many kids in foster care need to build trust to learn effectively, as their trauma gets in the way of their learning. The new reality of our community’s schools hurts all children to some extent, but these changes hurt much worse for kids struggling with traumatic histories and a chronic lack of stability.

Parents and primary caregivers: if you feel like supporting your kids through distance learning is impossible, you are not alone! These struggles are far from rare and caregivers at home are feeling the burnout. All parents with school-age children doing distance learning can relate to the struggles at some level. Sadly, for kids in foster care, many of whom also face disabilities, this burden can often feel unbearable.

Our Educational Advocates receive daily calls from caregivers who need help navigating technology, special education evaluations, accessing supports, and countless other educational challenges brought by distance learning. Schools and community organizations have created resources to help families navigate new technologies, special education plans, schedules, and other challenges. However, consistently, our Educational Advocacy calls deal with how to help parents survive emotionally through supporting their kids through at-home education.

Mariah’s caregiver has a full-time job and is working from home. Jason’s foster parent has other children in the home who all need help with school work. In both cases, supporting their kid’s educational needs is an overwhelming and seemingly impossible task. Districts have established ways to keep up with special education plans and IEPs, yet, inevitably, services and supports are far from what children received in person. And even if your child doesn’t have an IEP, being fully available to support your kid’s school day is tough. This pressure is really stressful, and it might have you feeling like you are failing your kids. We are here to reassure you that you are not!

While we can’t provide you with a magical formula, one of our amazing Educational Advocates, Trish Taddeucci, is here to share some practical advice to help you survive the distance learning storm. Trish has more than 15 years of diverse teaching experience, and her work with youth in foster care won her the Missouri Child Advocate Award in 2014. Here we’re sharing with you some of the highlights of our conversation:

 What is the most important piece of advice you give to caregivers?

Ramp up the advocacy! Talk to your teachers, don’t let frustration build up!

The official process for this school year is “figuring it out as you go” therefore communication is key. Some parents might find it easier to brush frustrations under the rug or just deal with it, but you don’t have to do this alone.  Establish consistent communication with teachers, let them know how distance learning is going for you and your children. Be open and honest about the frustrations your family are experiencing, while being as specific as possible about the issues that need to be addressed.  Many educators are assuming things are fine unless they know otherwise.  Let them know and ask for help.  We are constantly surprised with the creative solutions and supports that schools are developing on an ongoing basis.  Many schools are now offering tutoring, testing centers, and break-out rooms for additional support.

When his foster parent told Jason’s teacher about his history and anxiety struggles, they worked together to figure out ways to help Jason cope with the challenges of virtual learning.  Jason expressed that taking breaks when feeling overwhelmed would help him calm down. Among other things, the teacher allowed Jason to ask for a video-off break by letting her know in the Zoom chat that he needed a break. She also did a break-out room during student work time, where the two of them could touch base privately.  It took one conversation to find a meaningful solution and made Jason feel cared for and supported.

Parents are kid’s best advocates, but you are also the best person to teach your kids how to advocate for themselves. Encourage your children to communicate with their teachers about their challenges and frustrations. Sometimes, a simple email can be all it takes to change the outlook for this virtual semester!

Mariah’s foster parent helped her to write an email to her teacher to share some of the technology challenges she was experiencing. The teacher showed incredible empathy and willingness to help improve Mariah’s situation. One of the little but powerful changes was that the teacher began to email the links to lessons before the class, that way Mariah would be able to access the material without being confused by the platform.  Mariah was also having difficulty with all of the reading that virtual learning entailed, while struggling with typing her answers in a timely manner. Her special education teacher was able to utilize CoWriter Universal and Snap & Read Universal for Mariah to use voice to text for writing, and now she can just click a button to have the text read to her.  These tools are available in many districts, you just need to ask.

Right now teachers don’t have the proximity necessary to read cues, warning signs, and learn other information to help enhance the educational experience/learning for the kids in their class. “I learned the most valuable information about my students after the bell rang,” Trish said. “I learned about their struggles, needs, and what really was going on with them.” It is essential, now more than ever, to keep open communication with teachers during this time. One parent scheduled a 15 minute Zoom meeting with her son and the teacher.  That short meeting changed everything by allowing the child to open up and show his emotion about how hard all of this was for him.  That one meeting really changed everything, and the teacher realized the importance of this private face-to-face time with this particular student.  They check in by zoom on a weekly basis one-to-one, which has helped the child feel cared for heard.

 A practical tip that has been successful for some of the families you support

Help kids figure out how to be more independent. Of course that’s going to vary according to their age and ability. It is easy to feel like the only way to help your kids get through the school day is to stay by their side. This expectation creates more stress for you, and honestly is not realistic.  olutely need your assistance, While there are times your kids might need your assistance, it is vital that you find ways to help them be as independent as possible.

A simple example that Trish has used with a few of her cases is helping parents create a checklist and visual schedule that kids can follow throughout the day. For example, you might have a checklist with steps to get started on the morning, a checklist for transitioning between classes, and a checklist for logging off for the day. Utilizing a timer on the computer can help as well. This might sound basic, but even this little bit of extra structure has really helped some families.

Working full-time from home, Mariah’s caregiver was really struggling to help her not feel defeated and follow along with the class. Besides talking with the teacher, checklists were extremely helpful to give Mariah a feeling of control and autonomy. Her foster mom now worries less worries about Mariah feeling lost; she is able to be in her home-office at work with less interruptions.

One of Trish’s favorite, quick-read articles she recommends to parents is 7 Ways To Get Kids To Actually Pay Attention During Remote Learning. These tips are very helpful and easy to implement.

 The most meaningful tip: Know that it is going to be ok!

You may feel that supporting your kid’s at-home education is impossible. That is because what you are doing is HARD WORK. And no matter how you feel, you are doing your best! Keep in mind that this arrangement is temporary. Nobody knows when, but it will come to an end. If you haven’t already, it is important to reset your expectations of having a perfect at-home education experience. You probably have figured out by now that some days are easier than others. But whatever you do, let go of guilt, and never ever feel bad about asking for help.

Check out our Back-to-School page for more resource.

*Names and pictures have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Xavier had been separated from so many people- first from his parents at age nine and then from his two brothers as they were moved from placement to placement. He had already lived in six different foster homes and attended three different schools. But even as a sixteen-year-old who desperately wanted permanency and family, he could not call his foster placement home because his foster parents refused to adopt a child with a “gay lifestyle.”

Ebony knew that she was a girl since she was four years old, but none of her caretakers accepted this fact. Like many transgender youth, she struggled with depression, and her mother refused to take her back home from a mental health facility after a suicide attempt. Ebony’s first foster home refused to call her by her name and emotionally abused her when she tried to wear women’s clothes, so she ran away and slept on the streets.

How can we prevent stories such as these and instead provide loving homes for children like Xavier and Ebony? There are LGBT+ people in all parts of the child welfare system- clients, parents, foster parents, caseworkers, court employees, and of course the children themselves. We will discuss LGBT+ foster and adoptive parents in a later blog entry, but today we’ll focus on the welfare of LGBT+ children.

Before we begin, what exactly does “LGBT+” mean? These letters stand for “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and many more.” Lesbian, gay, and bisexual people are attracted to members of their own gender. Transgender people live as members of a different gender than that which they were labeled at birth. For example, a doctor may declare “it’s a boy!” when someone is born, but that person could grow up knowing that she is a girl. It might take that transgender girl years or even decades to be in an environment where she can fully live and be recognized as her gender, but she is indeed a girl.

Caring about children in foster care requires caring about LGBT+ issues and needs. A 2018 study conducted in California found that 30.4% of youth aged 10-18 living in foster care identified as LGBT+, compared to the average rate of LGBT+ identification, which is 11.2%.[1] While 1-2% of the general population is transgender, 5.6% of youth in care were transgender, according to another study.[2] Sadly, LGBT+ youth are twice as likely as their peers to report being treated badly while in foster care, and on average they experience a greater number of disruptions.[3] In one study, 70% of LGBT+ youth who lived in group homes reported being physically assaulted, and 100% reported being verbally assaulted in group homes.[4]

Homelessness is also a huge concern for LGBT+ youth, especially those with involvement in the foster care system. To begin with, LGBT+ youth are 120% more likely to become homeless than their peers because of a lack of understanding and acceptance.[5] They may enter the foster care system for reasons of general neglect or abuse like any children, or they may enter the system due to homophobia and rejection from their caregivers. Four out of ten homeless youth identify as LGBT+,[6] and 56% of LGBT+ youth who were homeless after involvement in the foster care system said that they chose to live on the street because it felt safer than remaining in homophobic foster or group homes.[7] There is obviously a desperate need for more affirming homes for LGBT+ youth. We need to educate ourselves and become prepared to support our LGBT+ youth and make sure their placements are safe and supportive.

So what can we do to make youth feel safe and welcome? We don’t want or need to immediately ask personal questions about a youth’s sense of identity and attraction to others. We typically need to build relationships with youth and model acceptance before they are comfortable coming out to us. Even if your child isn’t LGBT+, your words and actions will help them be more accepting of LGBT+ people themselves and feel less bound by stereotypes about gender and relationships. Fortunately, there are simple actions you can take to make any youth feel safe and promote acceptance, whether your child identifies as LGBT+ or not.[8]

1. If you see anti-LGBT+ content or jokes, speak up and challenge them. It can be as small as softly making a suggestion like “wow, that sounds mean,” or “I bet that’s not really true of all lesbians.” If you remain silent, youth may assume that you agree with homophobic ideas and be scared to come out to you.
2. Use gender-neutral terms when asking about relationships. For example, you can ask a boy “are you seeing anybody?” instead of “do you have a girlfriend?”
3. Support youth in expressing their personal style and participating in activities, whether their chosen clothes or activities are typically male or female. If your child expressed interest in wearing makeup, take him to Walgreens and let him know that your home is a safe place to experiment in.
4. Require that your friends, family, and professionals treat your child with respect and inclusion. This lets the youth know that you are ready to be their champion, no matter what the rest of the world might think. If your daughter is being bullied at school because she’s a lesbian, be ready to talk to her teachers and principal to make sure she’s safe.
5. Talk about and provide access to materials about diverse people and history, whether LGBT+ or not. Here is a list of LGBT+ books for all different ages, and here is a short sampling of kids’ TV shows with LGBT+ characters.
6. Learn about LGBT+ history, terminology, and current events, especially any local LGBT+ news or topics. Share the cool things you learn with your child! If, for example, you comment on how great it is that LGBT+ friendly laws were passed in another state, your child will now know that you are accepting and supportive.
7. Foster a relationship where the youth feels comfortable talking to you about a variety of topics. The same trust required to help a child heal from trauma can open up conversations about gender identity and sexual orientation. To foster this trust, relate with your child in a PACEful way (full of Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy). To learn more about being PACEful, see our previous blog post about it.

As part of the Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition’s ongoing commitment to helping children in care, part of our 2018-2021 strategic plan seeks to tailor services to underserved populations such as LGBT+ youth.  To better serve our LQBTQ+ youth, we sought accreditation through the Human Rights Campaign’s All Children – All Families program. This program offers us education about best practices for working with LGBTQ+ youth and parents, opportunities for self-examination, and recognition for our inclusivity. On May, the Coalition was awarded the Building Foundation for Inclusion Tier of Recognition by Human Rights Campaign.

But of course, our work is not over. The Building Foundation for Inclusion level is a solid beginning from which we will continue to grow. We hope to embark on this journey with all of you alongside us.

Stay tuned for a later discussion of foster parents who are LGBT+!

If you want to learn more now about LGBT+ people and youth, here are some starting points:

• A large collection of resources for LGBT+ youth in care, caretakers of LGBT+ youth, and child welfare professionals: https://www.hrc.org/resources/all-children-all-families-additional-resources#For%20LGBTQ%20Parents
• A glossary of terms used here, as well as the rest of the LGBTQIA+ alphabet: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/glossary/
• LGBT+ current events, news, and culture: https://www.advocate.com/
• Six seasons of a podcast based on original interviews about the LGBT+ rights movement: https://makinggayhistory.com/

By Athena Kern

Pronouns: they/them/theirs

[1] “LGBTQ Youth in Unstable Housing and Foster Care,” by Laura Baams, PhD, Bianca D.M. Wilson, PhD, Stephen T. Russell, PhD. https://www.childrensrights.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/2019.02.12-LGBTQ-Youth-in-Unstable-Housing-and-Foster-Care.pdf

[2] “Safe Havens: Closing the Gap Between Recommended Practice and Reality for Transgender and Gender-Expansive Youth in Out-of-Home Care” by Christina Remlin, Esq, et. al. https://www.childrensrights.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/TGNC-Policy-Report_2017_final-web.pdf

[3] “All Children – All Families 2019 Report: Celebrating Everyday Change-Makers in Child Welfare” by the Human Rights Campaign Foundation. https://www.hrc.org/resources/celebrating-everyday-change-makers-in-child-welfare?_ga=2.154190586.31812917.1583442211-337742843.1579198214

[4] “LGBTQ Youth in the Foster Care System” by the Human Rights Campaign. https://www.hrc.org/resources/lgbt-youth-in-the-foster-care-system

[5] “Missed Opportunities: Youth Homelessness in America” by Chapin Hall at the University of Chicago. https://voicesofyouthcount.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/ChapinHall_VoYC_NationalReport_Final.pdf

[6]  “Safe Havens: Closing the Gap Between Recommended Practice and Reality for Transgender and Gender-Expansive Youth in Out-of-Home Care” by Christina Remlin, Esq, et. al. https://www.childrensrights.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/TGNC-Policy-Report_2017_final-web.pdf

[7] “CWLA Best Practice Guidelines,” by Shannan Wilber, et. al. https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/sites/default/files/bestpracticeslgbtyouth.pdf

[8] List adapted from “Supporting Your LGBTQ Youth: A Guide for Foster Parents,” by the Child Welfare Information Gateway. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/LGBTQyouth.pdf

During the pandemic our Extreme Recruitment® program has finalized 10 adoptions/guardianships! One of the biggest challenges faced by foster care professionals has been delayed adoption timeframes due to cancelled and postponed court hearings and generally slower communication. Adoption/guardianship day is the most important date for many of our children who have lingered in foster care for years and dream of being part of a forever family.

Sixteen year old Mateo, twelve year old Zoe, and five year old Lena came into care in 2015 when Lena was born exposed to heroin in utero. Years later, the siblings were still in foster care with no hope of returning home to their mother. What they needed was some creative thinking, a fierce advocate, and a little luck.

Angela, an Extreme Recruiter®, opened the case in 2018 to help find the siblings a forever family. Angela and her team were able to uncover several relatives that had lost touch with the children; some were even interested in providing placement. As Angela reconnected relatives with the children, she kept hearing the same thing; they wanted to be a part of the children’s lives but they wouldn’t be able to handle all three children on their own.

Angela made contact with an aunt, Sofia, who had placement of a fourth sibling, nineteen year old Camila. Sofia was interested in providing placement for the children, but as was the case with other relatives, she wasn’t sure she could do it alone. She contacted her sister and best friend, Mariana, who was elated at the thought of providing a permanent home for these children, but also worried she would need help. They wanted to work together to give their nephew and nieces a place to call home.

The team was reluctant to split the siblings between the aunts, but Angela knew this was the best way for the children to grow up with family and still have each other in their lives. Angela pushed the team tirelessly to move forward with Sofia and Mariana as adoptive parents for the children. In December 2018, Zoe and Lena moved in with Mariana while Mateo moved in with Sofia and Camila. As the aunts were always together, so were the kids.

The long awaited guardianship hearing was set for May 2020 but, due to COVID19, was postponed until July. To three kids who have spent five uncertain years- including Lena’s entire life – in the foster care system, a couple of months felt like a lifetime.

On July 9, 2020, Mateo, Lena, and Zoe finally found their forever family. The court even decided to let them all hold their hearing together and in-person as long as they practiced safe social distancing!

Acknowledging the systemic racism that hurts our kids and families is just the first step; injustice also demands action. Last week Coalition staff took 4-hours, an intentional block of time, to steward Diversity and Inclusion either personally or collectively with an activity of their choice.

In a time of pain, anger, confusion, grief, and thirst for change, the Coalition team showed up for each other as family. It was amazing to see everyone come together to listen, challenge, encourage, and empower each other. We are together in this journey to fight historical, structural racism, and yet, action looks different for each one of us.

We were so inspired by the staff’s individual and collective action, and we want to share it with you! Here is a compilation of some of their experiences. The staff shared how they spent this time and a quote or reflection that was meaningful for them.

Friday I participated in the Ladue protest with my colleagues, after doing lunch at the office. 

“Protesting is never a disturbance of peace.  Corruption, injustice, war, and intimidation are disturbances of peace.”  Bryant H. McGill. This is my purpose for participating in peaceful protesting. This experience was so inspiring and impactful.  All races were standing in solidarity, marching so that all races can be treated equally.  This isn’t just about race, but about humanity. 

Angela

I am a foster parent and all last week I was receiving some pretty devastating news regarding my kids’ case.  Between processing that information, all of our staff talks, talks I was having with family and friends about the racism in our country, and a medical emergency in my immediate family – by Friday I felt completely spent.  I wanted to continue the conversations with my coworkers and friends, I wanted to read books or listen to podcasts – but it was like my brain turned off.  So I used Friday afternoon to fill my cup.  I spent quality fun time with my kids, I spent time with my coworkers at our social distance BBQ, and had an extra meeting with my supervisor to process the week.  I know myself and know that I have to take time out to process my feelings so that I can come back stronger and ready to engage, instead of detached and emotionless. 

I spent time filling my cup so that I can continue to pour out to others, learn from them, and change in the ways I need to in order to be a part of creating a safe world for people of color.

Anna

I signed up to volunteer or work in policy research and operations in Missouri with the vision of the Action Center. Their goal is to register voters, write letters, and make phone calls to get people to the polls on Election Day.

 “A change is brought about because ordinary people do extraordinary things.” Barack Obama

Anonymous

I watched the documentary 13^th and started reading the book Waking Up White. It has been eye opening to learn more about the compounded impacts of racism over generations.

Barbara            

On Friday afternoon I sat down with a piece of paper, a few brushes and a palette of watercolors to paint a portrait of George Floyd. The next morning my wife, our two-year-old daughter and I met my sister and walked to the site where George Floyd was murdered.

I placed my painting next to the flowers and cardboard protest signs that ripple outwards from the storefront on 38th street in South Minneapolis where George Floyd drew his last breath.

Artists have a responsibility to bear witness. To help color in the blurry outlines of history. Because I have a two-year-old daughter to keep safe, and little recourse if my wife or I got sick with COVID-19, I can’t be where I want to be: on the streets of my community marching shoulder to shoulder with those seeking justice and reform. But I hope that by donating a watercolor in his memory, by sitting with the image of George Floyd and painting his face layer by layer, that I added to the collage of images and chorus of voices demanding change.

Billy

Early Friday I spent time with my work family before participating in the Ladue protest.

Cisely

I listened to the podcast Call Your Girlfriend, their most recent episode “Police Abolition.” I also read a couple of chapters on racism in the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle.

Over time I’ve learned about structural racism and how our current systems do consistent violence to BIPOC communities. This podcast episode included an interview with police and prison abolitionist Mariame Kaba. Her discussion of alternatives to policing and envisioning an alternative to our current system helped me to understand how a change in the status quo can happen and how it could benefit our communities. It helped me look at how our society and country can move beyond recognizing the problem into advocating for and implementing systems that aren’t rooted in oppression and violence.

Claire

I read more of the book White Fragility and watched the movie Just Mercy with my son and husband.

Denise

I was full of rage and knew I wanted to do something meaningful other than be full of fury and hatred, so I chose to protest with my colleagues in Ladue/Clayton, and I personally wanted to be with my colleagues. I needed them and their support to help ease some of the pain.

This time was meaningful in many ways. The agency actually took a stance on systemic racial inequalities, realized our foster children, foster families, adoptive children, and colleagues are hurting, and gave voice and opportunity for many forms of expression and many outlets without repercussions.

Edna

I watched 13^th (documentary) and started reading Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates.

I learned so much from 13^th about our history of “legalized slavery” through criminalization and our criminalization of a race that makes up 6% of our population but 40% of our prison population (statistics specific to black men). I really had no idea how our laws, politics, and policies created the system of mass incarceration and the deep ramifications of these practices for Black Americans.

Hannah                

I watched the documentary 13^th and the movie Just Mercy. Both the documentary and movie really opened my eyes to how little I knew about the ongoing injustices faced by Black people throughout history in the U.S.

Holly

I watched the movie Just Mercy and continued reading the book White Fragility.

Heather

I listened to the podcasts Code Switch and 1619.

Jaime

I read a few chapters of a book that I had started in the past called Waking Up White by Debby Irving.

One of the most meaningful parts of what I read, which ties in directly with the recent protests, as well as the discussions we’ve had as an agency, is the importance of LISTENING.

As stated in the book, Waking Up White, “Listening both to bear witness and to learn. We need a listening revolution! I recognize the immense value in making room for all to hear and be heard. Whether it is individuals listening one on one or events organized for purposes of collective listening, allowing people to define their own realities is a critical component of creating equity.”

Jan

On Friday I did several things:

• Watched Just Mercy with my husband (an attorney) and discussed.
• Listened to several podcasts, including:  The Kins-Women and Unlocking Us with Brené Brown and Ibram X. Kendi on “How to Be an Antiracist.”
• Conversation with my father-in-law.

Jo

On Friday, I watched Just Mercy and participated in a discussion with other people in St. Louis from a few different churches about structural racism, especially in regards to our justice system. I also started reading Malcolm X and began to do some research about racism in the history of my hometown in Union County, NC.

From Bryan Stevenson and Just Mercy, “The opposite of poverty is not wealth, it’s justice.”

Joel

I prepared a meal and served the FACC staff joining the protest and spent time with them. I started watching the ROOTS series.

“For it isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Karen

I spent my time at a rally and also watching the documentary 13^th, which is painful and life changing. 

The rally was an incredible evening of prayer, testimony, and call to action! It was honest, heartfelt, brave and inspiring. I would expect nothing less. It was students, alumnae, teachers and administration joining together young and old to say: “No More!” My favorite quote was from a young alumnae that spoke:

“Your Black sisters don’t need you to stand behind us right now, in fact we don’t need you to walk side by side with us either. This is the time your sisters need you to stand in front of us in a wall and be our ally.”

Katie

I watched “Remember the Titans” with my boys and had some conversations about various scenes and how they relate to today. 

Kim

I attended the protest Thursday night in Brentwood and the protest Sunday afternoon. I also re-read The Case for Reparations by Ta-Nehisi Coates on The Atlantic, which, whether you agree with the concept of reparations for slavery or not, does an excellent job of outlining how the historical wrongs against African Americans did not end at slavery or even segregation.

It was incredible to see thousands of people turn out this weekend for peaceful protests throughout the city and county. It gave me hope that after Ferguson, the Stockley verdict, and years of injustice that never made the news, we might actually see change in our community. Walking beside my friends and coworkers at the protests helped re-energize me for what will undoubtedly be the long road ahead.

Kyle

I attended the Clayton Road protest in Frontenac. Attending this protest was very meaningful to me because I not only protested alongside my husband, but my coworkers, too. I have participated in many protests, but this was the first time I was marching with my coworkers. It was truly moving to see my coworkers be so passionate and endure miles of marching in high heat to fight for what we believe in.

Maddie

I protested in Brentwood and, at the suggestion of Rev. Starsky Wilson, began reading The Broken Heart of America. I need to learn more about structural racism, so that I can: 1) understand my part in it; and 2) create positive change.

Melanie

I spent my time listening to the podcast Code Switch, predominantly episodes about police killings involving race. I also participated in several conversations with relatives and friends about these issues and how to play out part in fixing that.

Michael

I was able to connect with my African American young professional groups and discuss what is going on right now, our emotions, and St. Louis actions being taken. We also designed posters for protests. One of the members is a historian so it was nice to have him really go through the history of oppression locally in the St. Louis region and connect it to national history. It was an open, honest, and raw conversation. I am glad I have a space like this to go to where I feel supported and heard.  

Natasha

I attended the protest on Friday evening in St. Peters. 

Nickie

My entire family went to two protests—one in St. Louis and one in St. Peters. I am no frontline protester, but when my 17 year old son said he wanted to go, frontline here we come.

Rossi

My husband and I went to the Kirkwood Protest/Peace Walk.  Our super-star volunteer Fonda told me about the protest, and I was excited that I might meet up with her and we could walk together and catch up.  It was my first protest ever.  I have plenty of political opinions but have always felt that protests never actually accomplished anything.  But for me this was different.  I wanted for African-Americans to see/hear/know that they have support from all communities – including us west county suburbia folks.  I’m committed to better understanding white privilege and racial injustice and figuring out ways I can fight against it.  I recruited 3 friends to walk with us, but did I run into Fonda?  Ha!  The protest was so HUGE, we estimated there were about 3,000 people there!  So I was a little disappointed that I didn’t run into Fonda, but much more happy for the tremendous turnout.  Fonda later told me that she (an African-American) was extremely moved to see such an outpouring of solidarity in her Kirkwood community.

Shelley

I thoroughly enjoyed the small amount of time just seeing a few faces of my coworkers on Friday. The meal prepared by Karen was awesome.

I also took a moment to begin planning my Juneteenth celebration to commemorate the official freedom date of slavery. Texas was the last state to receive word to free the slaves on June 19, 1865.  The focus of celebration is often about culture, family, and education.  Here is a little more info if you wanted to read up on it.

• https://www.juneteenth.com/history.htm
• https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/501680/12-things-you-might-not-know-about-juneteenth
• https://www.vox.com/identities/2018/6/19/17476482/juneteenth-holiday-emancipation-african-american-celebration-history
• https://www.nbcnews.com/news/nbcblk/9-things-know-about-history-juneteenth-n594546

Shonetta

I attended a webinar, “Protests and Privilege,” watched 13^th on Netflix, and started the book White Fragility by Robin Diangelo.

Summer

I spent my time reading Warmth of Other Suns (I read it a few weeks ago, but went back and reread the stuff I’d highlighted) and I started reading the book White Fragility.

Trish

I spent my time Friday on several different activities:

• I discussed the following topics with my 12 year old son…the Black Lives Matter movement, Redlining in St. Louis, how people build wealth and examples of how our family benefited while African American families could not. We read articles about Emmet Till and Trayvon Martin and discussed. We also discussed the history of racist thinking and behavior in our family and how it was passed down through the generations.
• I listened to a podcast on the Central Park Five.
• I listened to a podcast about Robert Ed and researched him and his story.
• I had a discussion with two different family members about my views on racism and the part that white people play in it.
• I read three articles on the history of St. Louis in relation to racism.

“A riot is the language of the unheard,” Martin Luther King

Veronica

I had the opportunity to join a zoom conversation with friends. As a group of foreign born individuals living in the USA, we shared about the different ways and resources we’ve used to learn about systemic injustice & racism, and discussed thoughts and ideas about proactive, lifelong allyship. We challenged each other to think about our spheres of influence and how we can use our skills and roles for the anti-racist cause. I also re-watched a conversation between Dr. Anita Phillips and Christine Caine titled Body Language: A Conversation on Race + Restoration and Christianity.  

Yanelis

Taking this time to actively steward diversity and inclusion is the first step of our pledge that this work will be ongoing. In the coming weeks, we will create a long-term plan outlining our goals toward fighting the historical, structural racism that is at the very heart of the foster care and adoption system. Because transparency is also a core value, we will share that plan with you.

We know that action looks different for everyone. As you look to take action in a way that is meaningful to you, we hope you find resources and inspiration in our stories.

Download Missouri P-EBT Flyer

Download Illinois P-EBT Flyer

Get $250-302 for Each School-Age Child to Spend on Food

Deadline for P-EBT: July 7 (Missouri) | July 15 (Illinois)

The State of Missouri and Illinois have created P-EBT to support the unforeseen burden of buying more food when normally children may have been fed at schools. This is a one-time payment to support eligible families. Don’t let this support pass you by, please share with other foster/adoptive families that may qualify.

Missouri residents click here to apply.

• Click here for application instructions

Illinois residents click here to apply.

Missouri Residents

What is P-EBT?

Pandemic Electronic Benefits Transfer (P-EBT) helps cover food costs for children who qualify for free or reduced lunch at school but are not in school due to the pandemic.

Who is Eligible?

You may be able to get P-EBT benefits if you have a child or children in grades Pre-Kindergarten through Grade 12 who would have received free or reduced price meals at school if schools were still open. You may also qualify based off your income. For example, if your child was not previously getting free or reduced-price meals but you have lost income, you may be able to get P-EBT benefits

Already Receiving SNAP Benefits?

If you currently receive food stamps, $302 per child will automatically be loaded onto your EBT card. Do NOT fill out the application.

How Much Will My Family Receive?

The amount of your P-EBT benefits will depend on your eligibility for those months. The maximum amount is $302 per eligible child, which includes: March – $57, April – $125, May – $120.

How Do I Apply for P-EBT?

• Complete the online application at emergencymealsurvey.com/MO
• OR Scan your completed and signed application, then email it to: FoodandNutritionServices@dese.mo.gov
• OR Mail your completed application to DESE Food and Nutrition Services 205 Jefferson Street P.O. Box 480 Jefferson City, MO 65102

How Do I Get the Benefits?

P-EBT benefits are loaded to an Electronic Benefits Transfer (EBT) card. If you received Food Stamp (SNAP) benefits in March, P-EBT benefits will be automatically loaded to your EBT card. You will not need to call or apply to get P-EBT.

If you did not receive Food Stamp (SNAP) benefits in March, you will need to apply for P-EBT. If you aren’t sure if you received SNAP benefits in March, you can check the status of your benefits to find out at apps.dss.mo.gov.

Illinois Residents

Need Help Buying Food for Your School Age Children?

Apply for P-EBT SNAP Benefts. This is a special beneft that can help you buy food for your school age children 3 to 17 years old and 18 to 22 years old (in high school), who would receive National School lunch Program free or educed-priced meals when schools are in session.

Already Receiving SNAP?

If you currently receive SNAP benefts, you DO NOT need to apply for P-EBT benefts. You are automatically eligible to receive these benefts. Your additional P-EBT benefts will be loaded into your Illinois LINK EBT account along with your regular SNAP benefts.

How Much Will My Family Receive?

The State of Illinois will calculate the amount on the card as $5.70 per day multiplied by the number of days the school was closed due to the COVID-19 pandemic. The total amount should be approximately $250-300 for each child.

But My Family is Not Receiving SNAP Benefts

Is This Benefit Based on Household Income/Resources/Citizenship? No, the only eligibility factor is that your child(ren) attend a school that participates in the National School Lunch Program and are eligible to receive free or reduced-priced meals when they are in school. For many schools, individual students qualify for free or reduced-price eligible meals. For other schools that participate in the in the Community Eligibility Provision(CEP), all enrolled students will qualify as meals are provided at no cost to the students. If you recently applied for free or reduced-price meals, P-EBT benefts will begin the month you become eligible.

How Do I Apply for P-EBT?

These instructions are for you to follow if you are not already receiving regular SNAP benefts.

• The most efficient way to apply is online at ABE.illinois.gov. If you apply online and include your Social Security Number (ifyou have one), it may help expedite the processing of your application for benefits; OR
• You can also complete a paper application by going to the IDHS website at dhs.state.il.us and email to DHS.FCS.PEBT@illinois.gov; OR
• Mail a completed paper application to: Central Scan Unit, P.O. Box 19138, Springfield, IL 62763-9138

How Do I Get My P-EBT Benefts?

You will receive a P-EBT LINK card in the mail with instructions on how to set up a PIN and use the card.

This week, our staff asked, “The Coalition turned on a dime for COVID-19, why haven’t we done the same for racism?”

George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery were murdered, and yet the Coalition was silent on the many ways systemic racism manifests in the lives of our staff and families. We did the same during Ferguson. We did the same after the Stockley verdict.

Difficult internal conversations this past week revealed to us that, by remaining silent, we made a mistake. We not only failed our African American staff, but our kids and families.

Many of the families we serve live in or near Ferguson. They know racism firsthand. Despite an African American population of only 30%, more than 70% of children in St. Louis foster care are black. While we live that disparity, we have never been explicit in our condemnation of its cause: systemic racism.

That changes today. We promise that change because it is what our kids, families, and staff deserve. It is what our community deserves. It is what our donors and volunteers deserve.

So let us be clear: Black Lives Matter. As we begin to truly live that statement, we will be guided by our following core values:

Diversity
We celebrate differences and harness the power that diversity brings. Every viewpoint is heard and honored. We are stronger because of our differences.

Equity
We insist on fairness and respect. We are deliberate in ensuring everyone has safety, opportunity, access, and support to be heard.

Inclusion
We respect, leverage, and engage everyone’s unique strengths and talents so each individual can contribute to their full potential.

Family
We are family. We are connected and support one another in meeting the needs of our own families and the families we serve. We assume the best and are committed to each other.

But acknowledgement is only the first step. After that comes action. This Friday, our staff will take time to actively steward diversity and inclusion. What does that mean? For some staff, it will mean joining the protests. For others, it will mean educating themselves or their family and friends about the very real race issues our country and community face and have been silent about too long. Other staff will start difficult but necessary conversations with their children about racism. Others who have been unjustly and racially targeted may just take time to rest.

With our eyes now fully open, we pledge to you that this work will be ongoing. In the coming weeks, we will create a long-term plan outlining our goals toward fighting the historical, structural racism that is at the very heart of the foster care and adoption system. Because transparency is also a core value, we will share with you that plan.

We invite you to take this journey with us. The Coalition is a movement of diverse individuals united in a shared vision of a home for every child in foster care. That diversity is our greatest strength, and we will lean on this strength as we build a better version of ourselves.

In light of the most recent outcry for justice for the African American community, the Coalition recently shared with our foster and adoptive community this reflection on how to talk to your children about racism in these tragic times.

Horrific events like the death of Mr. George Floyd force us to confront the ever-present racial injustices in our society. This is an issue especially close to our hearts because of the racial disproportionality in foster care. Nationwide, 33% of children in foster care are African-American even though they make up only 15% of the population. In St. Louis, the disparity is even more drastic. While less than 30% of St. Louis City and County’s combined population is black, black children account for more than 70% of our local foster care population. Our families face the reality of racial injustice every day.

These times also open up necessary conversations about racism and justice. If you are looking for a place to start, we leave this reflection for you.

Talking to your children about racism in these tragic times

We are the mothers, fathers, and caregivers of beautiful young African American children. As we cherish all of their smiles, quirks, and the brilliance they exude, we know that in today’s America, this cuteness will one day fade and the question we all ask is, “When will the world picture my baby as a threat instead of the wonderful child I’ve loved and raised?”

Please know you have every right to feel sad, angry, discouraged, exhausted, and numb with grief. As much as you are trying to process the tragic situation regarding Minneapolis resident, Mr. George Floyd—and others, including Ahmaud Arbrey, Breonna Taylor, and Christian Cooper—your children are, too. During this, they are growing and learning how to be an adult, what’s appropriate, and how to manage this ongoing fear as a person of color. Where do we go from here? At a time when we are lost for what action we can take, as a caregiver of any race caring for a person of color, here are things you can do to affirm their life and culture.

Hope in the Dark

Although we are engulfed in rage and sadness right now, there is still hope, there are still allies, there are still caregivers willing to learn more, and there is still one very important thing—– time. The time to use your voice is now, the time to talk to your children is now, the time to provide empathy and comfort is now, but most important the time to listen to those who this is directly affecting, people of color, is now. We have seen during COVID-19 we can come together and care for one another past their skin color, economic status, geography, and gender.

The most important thing we must do now is rise together.

The Importance of Conversation

Transracially adopted African American children are more likely to experience more dramatic transitions. Luckily, many transracial programs and additions have been made to the foster/adoptive process to address this active interest and how it shapes one’s relationship and life with their child. Although we cannot provide you an overall right answer we can suggest steps you can take immediately within your home:

1. Have a Conversation – I use the word conversation intentionally because after this conversation has been had, understand that it’s forever developing and the door must remain open for you to be a supportive parent and ally. Children learn from experiences and observation, the way you move, react to situations is how they see fit to react. As parents and caregivers, we need to acknowledge our children are becoming less protected as they grow and need to understand the world outside of their homes. That includes how you act in response to situations.
2. Let them embrace their diversity and learn from those living it every day. Let them see in their own family their color is respected, honored, and each member values their input and are open to being educated about their culture and lived experiences. It’s also important to work against the negative that harms them by being an ally and let them never guess if you are standing with them.
3. Get Educated & Don’t be afraid to reach out for help whether it be a family member, trusted friend, or therapist of a minority. It’s okay to ask for help and support when you don’t know how to navigate the situations because you have not lived it before.
4. Understand although the wounds may heal, the scar is left. Coping is ongoing until there is a radical change and acceptance this is and will be an emotional weight your children and you have to carry.

Further Reading

• https://ctcwcs.com/talking-with-children-about-racism-and-bias/
• https://medium.com/@realtalkwocandallies/white-parents-heres-how-to-start-talking-to-your-children-about-race-321eae4d1095
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culturally-speaking/201607/proactively-coping-racism

The sole reason we are able to be innovative is because of the investments of forward-thinking, dedicated individuals that care about the welfare of our children. Today, we give tribute to John Kuntemeier, who passed away in February. John was a dedicated Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) Volunteer who throughout his life was an advocate for many children in the St. Louis area. Working alongside our staff, John continued to go above and beyond to understand the child welfare system.

John understood children will always need a place to call home, and his legacy will forever be a testament and promise that every child deserves to grow up with a family. We are forever grateful to John and his loving family for their generosity to the Coalition’s Now & Forever Campaign. Please know, John continues to live on through every case closure, every connection to a family member, and every time a child finally finds their place to call home. Thank you.

Stories of John from Our Staff

Several years ago, John took it upon himself to research and locate a local STARS training. This is when he first found the Coalition. Connie and I were trainers for the foster parents at the time; he called and asked if he could attend. At the time, John was a CASA volunteer, appointed to a case that one of our Coalition staff members worked on. Initially, I questioned his motivation for attending because the class was on Saturday mornings for 9 weeks! His response was, “I am trying to do everything I can to understand the child welfare system, specifically, what resource parents were ’taught’ in STARS.” He was lovely to have in class and a great participant. His advocacy and dedication to the children of St. Louis will be deeply missed. – Nickie Steinhoff, Chief Strategy Officer

I worked with John on a 30 Days to Family® case when the children we were serving first entered care. I could tell immediately that he was taking his role as the children’s CASA very seriously.He would call me regularly to try to learn about the system and how it functioned. I told him that he could look into taking a foster parent training class, not to become a foster parent, but to better understand the system and serve the children. Next thing I knew, he was signed up for a STARS class at the Coalition. Throughout the case, I was able to watch him grow both as an advocate and as a person. The children he was serving changed him, and it was clear that he came to love them very deeply. I kept up with John and the children through the years and was always glad to know that he was still involved with them. He was a sweet and kind person. – Kelly Sullivan, Project SOAR

John was a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) on a case with two siblings I was recruiting for adoption. Mr. John took his role seriously. He worked effortlessly at building a solid relationship with the siblings and taking the time to get to know them individually. It was important to him that he learned their unique personalities, as well as understood their trauma. Mr. John was a straightforward and persistent man – useful qualities to have when you are advocating permanency for older teens. The older teens on John’s case had the challenges of multiple placements and being in foster care for a long period of time. Unfortunately, older teens are the most vulnerable population and the hardest to find adoptive families for. Mr. John made it his business to learn the foster care system. Because he understood the importance of Family Support Team Meetings, he participated in person until he was too ill to travel and later by phone. He was committed and dedicated and provided a great listening ear to the youth he served. It was Mr. John’s mission to encourage, support, and celebrate all the youth he served. He never wanted to miss any achieved milestones, including school events, graduations, and extracurricular activities. – Edna Green, Wendy’s Wonderful Kids, Extreme Recruiter

Seriously, please, please, please tell me I am not alone. That I have not gone completely off the deep end. That at least someone else is as confused, frustrated, morally-torn, and exhausted as I, trying to figure out where we are at with all of this?

Triple this if you are parenting, Quadruple it if you are fostering and Quintuple it if you have teens. You can’t even agree what to have for dinner much less if it is okay to do whatever is being asked of you to give consent to in that moment. Oh yeah, I see you from here…shaking your head, slapping your forehead, looking at the ceiling, wanting to scream (but doing so only in your head), “You think you are the only one who wants to get out of here and run around freely???” Kid, give me a break!!!

To help ride this out, take some time to figure out what your values/boundaries are around all of this. What does your family believe is safe? What boundaries has your family established for itself and the community? What are the expectations and why? Rules without reasons are just a means of control. Reasons give a sense of purpose, a sense of a greater belonging. Have a discussion so that your decisions do not appear arbitrary or inconsistent. Be prepared to listen, validate the difficult feelings that will accompany restrictions, negotiate when possible and use creativity liberally! Let the youth come up with compromises whenever possible as well.

A word of caution, if you are fostering, you may want to use the words “Family Values” carefully when discussing the situation. “Boundaries” may be a better choice of words. Family Values could present a powerful loyalty/comparative struggle for the youth between the biological family values and your own which in most cases will be painful and unproductive. Your Home can have Boundaries much the same as your Family can have Values.

So, now back to some relief from all of this………
My mind recently wandered to the Clash, who has been asking this since 1982:
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble,
And if I stay it will be double.

No help! If the 80’s music didn’t hold the answer, what could?? I was totally at a loss until I came across this video on YouTube. What a RELIEF!!!!! Finally, the ANSWER I, and I think millions of others, have been waiting for! I give you… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVs5AyjzwRM

Peace, people. Go relax. We’ve got this all figured out.

-Anne Zink, Director of Family Works

“That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief”

by Scott Berinato and published by the Harvard Business Review

Link to article.

As an introduction to next Thursday’s video, “Why Do I Want to Stop, Drop and Roll (into a Ball and Back Under the Covers?”), this article, suggested by a fellow foster parent, really lays the ground work for what many of us (okay all us) are experiencing. Often under-looked (not overlooked because we don’t even see it), are the losses and griefs associated with the Covid-19 challenge experienced by us all, collectively and individually. While not often recognized and even less often discussed aloud, this situation we find ourselves in (with no advanced warning or training manual!) is impacting our most important and intimate relationships as well as our relationship with ourselves. And this matters, now and long into the future.

In the article, Berinato interviews David Kessler, the world’s foremost expert on grief who has worked extensively with Elizabeth Ku¨bler-Ross and is the founder of www.grief.com. He addressed different types of loss and grief, stages and progression and uniqueness to the grief associated with the Covid-19 situation and a couple of ideas to begin understanding and managing the thoughts and feelings you may be experiencing.

In next Thursday’s video, I will be building off of Kessler’s article, drawing down to some specific situations that are more likely impacting foster and adoptive families with children who have experienced other personal and painful losses. We will look at how that history may be complicating your home life during this already confusing and upended time and ways to help navigate and soften the impact for everyone in your home.

Anne Zink joined the Coalition in 2015 as the Director of Family Support. She manages the Family Works Program. Anne has 35 years of experience. Her certifications include: Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST), Triple P® Positive Parenting Trainer, Batterer’s Intervention Trainer, Training for Adoption Competency (TAC), STARS Trainer, and Nurturing Parenting Program™ Trainer.

“Every kid needs a family. This, we know. We know it when we look at our own children and think about our dreams for them. We know it in our hearts, in our bones and from our own stories. Whether “family” means a mother and father, a single parent, a beloved aunt or uncle, a grandparent or a caring foster or adoptive family, this bond gives meaning to our successes, cushions our hardships and allows us to be most ourselves. A family loves us at our worst and summons our best when nothing else will. A family provides a compass from birth to death. It is the definition of home.”

 – The Anne E. Casey Foundation, Every Kid Needs A Family

Crises like COVID-19 help put into perspective what we need the most for our well-being. This pandemic shook up our world, disrupting our daily routines, threatening our sense of security, and wiping out our best-laid plans. In a matter of a few days, all our attention shifted to #StayHomeSaveLives, unveiling an unavoidable, deeper appreciation for the importance of having a safe home – a place where we can shelter, physically and emotionally, during this hardship.

The pandemic also put the spotlight on the value of having a supportive community, to seek comfort in and fall back on during tough days. We have seen this through the generosity of neighbors who help each other, the creativity of our teachers and school staff, and of foster, adoptive, and guardianship parents, who are the front-line of our foster care community during this crisis.

This difficult time has taught us that a safe home is only possible when we are surrounded by a supportive and loving family. The comfort, connection, and care that a family provides has been critical to our well-being through this time.

This crisis is uncharted territory. Fear, discomfort, and anxiety are more common than ever. Sadly, for children impacted by foster care, these feelings are not the exception, but the rule. It is essential, then, to connect children to their most basic need: family; a place where they can feel safe, loved, and connected, a home where they can be themselves and find the space to heal from trauma.

But thanks to the investment of countless volunteers, donors, advocates, and, of course, foster, adoptive, and guardianship parents, we are more prepared for this crisis than any in our history. For 30 years, our groundbreaking programs have found and supported families for the most vulnerable kids in foster care. Here are just a few of the stories your support over the years has made possible:

For those of you who are able, the Coalition is asking all our supporters to help us meet our goal of raising $120,000 on Give STL Day (Thursday, May 7^th) so no child has to grow up in the uncertainty of foster care. Every year, your generous has put us in the top three charities on this city-wide day of giving. This year, our community needs you more than ever, you can help our kids and families reach the top.

Thank you for supporting the Coalition. Thank you for being a part of our family.

We know that the coronavirus (COVID-19) continues to be top of mind for many of you – just as it is for all of us here at Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition. As a Coalition, we rely on all of you to carry out our mission. As such, we want to share our plan to continue to serve kids, support families, and keep our Coalition family safe.

Our office and Refresh are in a Work from Home mode to ensure social distancing guidelines. However, our work will not stop. Coalition staff will still open new cases, conduct virtual trainings, field advocacy calls, and respond to the needs of the families we serve.

Our voicemail will continue to be checked hourly as we anticipate the support needs of many families to increase as schools close and children spend more time in the home. Families will receive further notifications about scheduled trainings and support groups. We will provide remote options for these services, complemented by direct outreach from our team of family support experts.

We hope that you, your coworkers, your families, and your communities place your health and well-being first and foremost. You are all in our thoughts.

In the coming weeks, the parents and professionals who make up this Coalition will, in a thousand small ways, display the courage it has always taken to do this work and do it well. The presence of a pandemic will not stop them from finding families for children, nor will it diminish the numerous ways they help kids heal from trauma. It will, however, make their abundance of creativity and commitment shine brighter.

Their achievements are yours to celebrate as well. Whether you have been here since our founding during the crack cocaine epidemic, our struggle through the Great Recession, or our recent fight against the smoldering opioid crisis, you are part of a movement born in adversity but not defined by it. In the coming weeks, you’ll hear amazing stories of children who find a place to call home. We hope they mean as much to you as they mean to us.

In the next week, we will share concrete steps you can take to help children and families impacted by foster care. But know that we are only able to respond to this crisis with agility, intention, and strategy because you have invested in this work. The Coalition is only able to fulfill our necessary role in the community because of you.

Thank you for being a part of our family. Thank you for caring about our kids.

-Melanie Scheetz, Executive Director

Late one winter night in 2008, 7-year-old Tarah* and 8-year-old Anthony came into foster care because their mom was addicted to heroin and struggled with mental illness. They were immediately split up and placed with strangers.

Their caseworker was brand new. She tried to contact relatives but found fewer than 10.  With no known father, she felt she’d reached a dead end.

Out of options, the caseworker turned to Extreme Recruitment®, a daring new program to find forever families for the toughest-to-place children in foster care. She reached out to the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition and met Edna, who was pioneering the groundbreaking Extreme Recruitment® model.

In short order, Edna doubled the number of potential relatives to take in the siblings.  Then she doubled it again! Soon, she had created a burgeoning family tree and found a cousin who would consider adoption. Things were looking up for the children and Tarah and Anthony began to see a way out of foster care.

Soon after, the children’s mother died of an overdose. Even though their life with her was far from perfect, the news devastated the children. Adoption became more important than ever.

Edna had identified a long list of relatives willing to be involved in the children’s lives. But a few weeks later at Tarah’s next court appearance, tragedy struck. Each of the children’s foster parents refused visits with the prospective adoptive relatives. They convinced the judge that the kids were better off aging out of foster care rather than finding a forever home.

The die was cast, and Edna was not allowed to present evidence that healthy, alternative options were possible. Not only was Edna off the case, she was not even allowed to say goodbye to the children.

After 10 years with no news, Edna received a call from a colleague with the terrible news that Anthony was in prison. Edna’s stomach turned. She asked about Tarah.

As is the case with too many children relegated to foster care, Tarah and her brother were eventually kicked out of their foster homes and began the heartbreaking shuffle from foster home to foster home, from school to school.

Tarah had grown desperate. She was 17 years old and still trying to find someone to adopt her.

Edna was quickly reinvited onto the case. She met Tarah at a restaurant, seeing Tarah sitting at a table by herself.  Edna told Tarah how troubled she remained about not being able to say goodbye years before. She told Tarah that she never stopped thinking about her and her brother.

The situation was dire. More than half of Tarah’s life had been spent in foster care.  Nearing 18 years old and struggling in school, Tarah was considered “unadoptable” by many agencies.

It took Edna two weeks to find an aunt, Patricia, who was willing to consider adopting Tarah.

Under the caring guidance of her aunt and the behind-the-scenes workings of the Coalition’s Educational Advocacy team, Tarah attended summer school.  She became a straight-A student and a cheerleader. Her coworkers at her part-time job loved her.

The Coalition helped the new family adjust and thrive. We facilitated difficult conversations about living with past trauma, setting boundaries and expectations. We brought cutting-edge, trauma-informed parenting techniques into their home, and helped them apply these techniques in real-life situations.

Though Tarah regained her life and future, she ached for her brother, whom she hadn’t seen since his arrest years prior.  Anthony represented something essential:  the last person alive to know Tarah since birth. After all, sibling relationships are the longest-lasting a child will ever have.

Due to the sensitivity of the situation, a reunion took Edna weeks of delicate negotiations. Finally the day arrived and Aunt Patricia took Tarah to the prison. Tarah worried that if only she had helped Anthony believe they would one day find a forever family, that maybe he wouldn’t be in prison.  She wished she could have helped him keep his hope, helped him hang on a little longer.

Today, Tarah talks about her adoption day the way most people recall their wedding, or the birth of a child. She always knew she was worthy of a family. She never gave up hope.

In 2011, before this work was supported in our community, Edna was removed from seven cases by foster parents, judges, and caseworkers who didn’t see the value in what she did. Since then, Edna has created 46 adoptions for our community’s most vulnerable children, including sibling groups, older youth, and kids with special needs. In 2016, Edna was named “outstanding Adoption Specialist of the Year” by the nationally-renowned Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. She has not been removed from a case in years.

*Names and pictures have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

“In short order, Edna doubled the number of potential relatives to take in the siblings. Then she doubled it again.”

“All you need is love” and “skin color doesn’t make a difference.” We hear these comments all the time in conversations about transracial parenting. While people say these with the best intentions, they can become a barrier to engaging in deeper thinking, self-evaluation, and conversations around the complexities of transracial families. These conversations can have an immeasurable positive impact in relationships within transracial families, as well as in children’s development, identity, and wellbeing.

Transracial foster care and adoption placements are very common¹. One of the reasons for this is the racial disproportionality within the system. As of 2017, thirty-three percent of children in foster care were African-American even though they make up only 15 percent of the population². On a local level, the disparity is even more drastic. While less than 30% of St. Louis City and County’s combined population is black, black children account for more than 70% of our local foster care population³. Although transracial placements are safe and appropriate, children still face challenges such as struggling with feeling different and isolated, developing a positive identity, and experiencing racial discrimination¹.

The Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition held the newly created Transracial Parenting training in December 2019. We had a conversation with Connie Chrisman, one of our Family Development Specialists for the Dennis and Judy Jones Family Foundation Foster Care and Adoption Program, who shared about the training goals and its importance to our community.

YC: How did the Transracial Parenting training come about?

CC: We knew we needed this training for a long time, it was even included in the Coalition’s latest strategic plan. The STARS training provides a short overview on the topic but left our families with many unanswered questions and feeling underprepared for the relationship. It became clear to the staff that the transracial parenting conversation needed to move beyond skin care and hair care products (which are important things to know about), to deeper, honest talks about self-identity and racial identity in our society, and how it impacts transracial families. It was imperative for us to expand the existing curriculum to fulfill this need. This training is based on materials and learnings from previous Coalition diversity trainings, conversations with diversity training expert Aaron Layton, as well as seeking out audiovisual resources and using the staff’s lived experiences with transracial parenting.

YC: What are the main goals of this training?

CC: We expanded the curriculum to address two main areas: 1) Open people’s eyes to bias and racism by creating a non-defensive environment to have conversations about topics like white privilege, implicit bias, need for diversity, and cultural awareness. These can be difficult conversations, but provide parents with a space for self-reflection, asking questions, and being vulnerable about the topic. 2) Provide parents with practical knowledge and skills to navigate situations and conversations that they might encounter with family members, communities, or strangers. Inevitably, people will ask questions and make comments that, intentionally or unintentionally, can be confusing or harmful to the identity of our children and the family. No amount of training will fully prepare families for these experiences. However, we hope they will feel more confident when responding in these circumstances.

Through the training we also strive to connect them to community resources available to support transracial families. These include bookstores, theaters, and other organizations that help parents provide their children with an environment that will affirm their racial identity.

YC: What are some the big takeaways for parents?

CC: Colorblindness is sometimes confused with trying to show children unconditional love- but it does the opposite: colorblindness denies a child who they are and who they are meant to be. The truth is that we have never had the lived experience of being of their race, and never will. It is important that as parents we teach our children how race impacts families and themselves, and have long-term competencies to face and fight against discrimination and racism. Our children will grow up and move away from our protection, they need to be as equipped as possible to navigate these challenges.

YC: Any words of wisdom for parents of transracial families?

CC: For parents, it takes self-evaluation and vulnerability to ask for help. Just because we can’t meet all of our children’s cultural needs, it doesn’t mean we don’t know them/love them. One of the ways we show our love is by not becoming complacent parents, and continue to find new and creative ways to meet their needs according to their developmental stage.

Some practical ways transracial families can find support include seeking out events, family groups, and building a diverse group of friends. Most importantly, as parents, we need to become advocates, speak up, and have conversations. This can be done in different ways; not everybody is a public demonstrator, but you can vote for policy and individuals that support diversity and inclusion, educate your friends, and engage in difficult conversations with grace and respect.

Sources

¹  Fostering Perspectives (November, 2015). Parenting a Child of a Different Race http://fosteringperspectives.org/fpv20n1/Deese.htm

²NCSL (2017). Disproportionality and Disparity in Child Welfare

https://www.ncsl.org/research/human-services/disproportionality-and-disparity-in-child-welfare.aspx

³Missouri’s Fostering Court Improvement Database

“Colorblindness is sometimes confused with trying to show children unconditional love- but it does the opposite: colorblindness denies a child who they are and who they are meant to be.”

Watch Davonte’s feature on “A Place to Call Home.”

Davonte is a fun, curious 14 year old who loves all things Basketball.  He loves and is good with animals, especially dogs.  Davonte likes to build things, and he is an easy child to have fun with.  Davonte is always observing his surroundings, and although he can be reserved at times, he comes out of his shell when he senses someone’s authenticity.  Davonte likes to be active, but he also enjoys good conversation with those he cares about.  Davonte is kind hearted, thoughtful, and sweet.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

December 04, 2019 – St. Louis, Missouri – Ian Forber-Pratt, a Distinguished Alumnus from the Brown School at Washington University in St. Louis and a graduate from Principia College, and his team have received a grant from a private donor to formally launch the Institute for Child Welfare Innovation. The Institute is a spin-off 501c3 from the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition in St Louis, Missouri.

Download the press release.

The Institute will work nationally on three things: 1. replicate and scale programs for the most vulnerable of children, 2. bring together practitioners to learn from each other, and 3. bridge the gaps between policy and practice in the child welfare field. The Institute’s vision is to see a child welfare system that is kind, efficient, collaborative, evidence-based and centered on children & family well-being.

With a plan to quickly expand the team, the Institute will launch with Ms. Melanie Moredock, Director of Program Replication and Mr. Patrick Pisani, Assistant Director of Program Replication.

“After a decade of work in global child protection, I am grateful to join hands with others as the United States completely re-boots the child welfare system” – Ian Forber-Pratt, Executive Director, Institute for Child Welfare Innovation

The idea for the Institute originated with the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition, a 30 year old St. Louis-based organization helping children in foster care find permanency. For eight years, the Coalition’s 30 Days to Family® program had successfully placed kids with families, with substantial cost savings to taxpayers.

As sites across the nation expressed interest in replicating our program, the opportunity for scale outgrew the Coalition’s mission to serve families in St. Louis; we were at a positive impasse. After exhaustive research we decided to launch a separate independent entity that will give greater longevity, and impact, spreading positive and intentional innovation in the child welfare field. – Melanie Scheetz, Executive Director, Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition

The Institute’s office is located at 1750 S Brentwood Blvd., Suite 210. St Louis, MO 63144.

Reach Ian at ian@instituteforchildwelfare.org or +1.314.367.8373 or stopping by to visit!

We were thrilled at the outpouring of interest in our last blog post: Why Traditional Parenting Fails Children with Trauma. In that post, our Director of Family Works, Anne Zink, discussed Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), the only evidence-informed therapy for children with complex trauma between the ages of 2-21.

As Anne discussed in the last post, DDP is not just a therapeutic model, it’s a way of being. DDP uses the principles of “PACE,” which stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy. Staying PACEful is key to building trust and openness in our relationships with children who have trauma and attachment issues.

The number one question we received after Anne’s blog was, “This sounds great, but how do I actually do this?” To answer that question and dig deeper into what this model looks like in practice, I sat down with Anne the other day to learn more about how we can be PACEful in our daily lives.

Kyle: How long has your team been working with the DDP model?

Anne: It’s been about two and a half years now. The entire Family Works team is fully certified in DDP Levels 1 & 2. Knowing that children need to grieve beyond weekly 50 minute therapy sessions, we wanted to infuse the model into their everyday lives by empowering their parents and caregivers with the foundations of DDP. We adapted the DDP clinical intervention model, which revolves around a therapist working with the parents and child, and reoriented it so that we’re coaching the parent to be the center of the child’s healing on a 24/7/365 basis. Dr. Dan Hughes, who developed the model, actually helped us redesign Family Works to be DDP-informed. While in St. Louis providing us with a training, Dr. Hughes spent a few hours with Family Works going over our program model, really talking through our ideas and clarifying our questions. Receiving his endorsement and validation told us we were on the right path.

Kyle: So how much of a shift is this for your team? Is it a major change from models they might have been trained on or used previously?

Anne: It’s night and day. But the reasons people reach out to us for help are always the same. Human beings want relief. Every family our team works with is, by definition, struggling. And when you get into a struggling family that wants relief, the first thing they want is for the behavior to stop. The behavior could be anything, but it’s bad, and they want it to stop. They have most often decided the only way forward is for the child to change, to change quickly, and for an outside professional to come in and work “magic.”

The old way of doing business (and the way many programs continue to operate) can make behaviors stop and stop quickly.  These methods use behavior reinforcement, consequences and punishments. These interventions will make behaviors go away for a short while; however, they will return with a vengeance because the cause of the behavior has not been addressed; it has only been suppressed. The insight DDP brings is that changing behavior does not change the child’s pain (shame, humiliation, powerlessness, loss, fear…), and their pain is what necessitates their behavior.

In fact, when we punish a child who has complex, developmental trauma, we suppress their problematic behaviors at the expense of our relationship with them. They developed those behaviors to protect themselves emotionally and physically. It’s no wonder children and caregivers see their relationships deteriorate when we strip those protective behaviors away before they’ve healed. The parents/caregivers do not feel respected or effective and the children do not feel safe.  DDP is about healing trauma through relationships, so, first and foremost, any intervention that used behavior modification techniques had to be eliminated from the program.

Kyle: These negative behaviors are a symptom of trauma, so behavior modification is just treating the symptom. How does DDP and being PACEful get us beyond that?

Anne: DDP works on creating a safe relationship that can become the foundation for healing. One of the things Dr. Hughes talks about is experiencing and expressing delight in your child. Do they know you think they’re funny? Do they feel unique? Have you lost sight of all that is wondrous about them?  We often slip into parenting as policing – focusing on catching children doing wrong and correcting them. To be PACEful is to catch them doing right. Parent in the positive. The families struggling the most are those who have been fighting against one another for months or even years. They view each other as antagonists. There’s so much resentment. Dr. Hughes and Dr. Baylin refer to this as blocked care; both sides have essentially checked out of the relationship.

Kyle: That sounds insurmountable, honestly. How do you unblock care?

Anne: First, we focus on the parent, not the child. We wrap them in support and validation, acknowledging just how hard and painful it’s been, how hopeless they may feel. It feels like failing as a parent. It feels so lonely. We help them understand how they got to that place, to accept it is not a moral failing but a natural human response to repeated rejections and hurts presented by the child.  When they believe we are not judging them and they understand we do know how bad it truly has been, we start to build hope. We’re as PACEful with the parent as we will teach them to be with their child. Once we’ve got hope, we can join with them to recommit to their child, their family and their child’s healing.

Kyle: Where do you go from there?

Anne: We need to build safety and trust first and we work on that through education on complex developmental trauma, brain development, and attachment. We need the parent to understand misbehavior as an expression of the child’s trauma. An expression s/he paid dearly for, and for the time being, needs to rely on to be safe.  For example, if he lies, he may likely be protecting against your disappointment and possible removal from the home.

Another example: you get a call from the school telling you your child got into a verbal fight with the math teacher and has received in-school suspension.  He walks in the door after school and you are waiting near the door. You immediately ask, “Anything you want to tell me?” He might lie. “He may say, “No.” You might go on asking, giving more and more hints (“Anything about math class?” “No.” “Anything about getting an in-school suspension?” “No.”) He probably knows that you know, but he can’t face it. Because if he admits he couldn’t control himself at school today, he may fear you’ll decide you’re going to call his caseworker and have him removed. Or his shame at being “a problem, again” is too much to admit to when confronted so directly.

Our kids have a negativity bias that is bone deep. They have had low self-worth drilled into them since they can remember. We have to connect with them and assure a sense of safety before we correct. Every single time. There are consequences. They may need to look very different for these kids.

Kyle: What would be a PACEful approach to that situation you just described?

Anne: Sure, let’s try this:

The parent lets the youth get settled for 15 minutes after school and then gently approaches with a soft voice and relaxed face. “Hey bud, I heard you had a tough day today. Maybe in math class? You might’ve said some stuff to your teacher? I’m going to grab a cup of tea and we can talk about it in fifteen minutes. Cam I bring you a soda or milk? Does that sound good to you?”

The whole time your affect needs to be calm and understanding. You need to be emotionally regulated. He knows he’s in trouble, his defenses are up. He probably has a pretty strong fear that you’re going to reject him. He might already be feeling that rejection, preemptively. We have to demonstrate, through our words and our body language, that it is okay, that you are curious and empathetic and accepting of him as a person. You are communicating that you will need to talk about it, but you have assured safety first.

Kyle: One of the questions I’m sure you get all the time is, “Where are the consequences for his actions, then?” How do you like to answer that?

Anne: Consequences may look different, but they’re definitely still there. You need to connect first though. As we talk to kids about what they did and why they did it, we can let them know we understand. For instance:

“You must have been really upset to have called her that name. What was happening? Oh, you forgot to put your name on your test again and she called you out on it in front of the whole class? I bet it made you feel kind of humiliated to be called out in front of the class. It probably felt like she was calling you dumb. I guess I would feel kind of embarrassed too. I don’t like feeling like that.”

Once you both understand why it happened, AND he understands that you get why he reacted as he did (note: understanding does not equal agreement!), AND he knows you get it and that you get him and that you accept him, THEN you can begin to discuss different responses he could have chosen. Then you can decide on the consequences. Absolutely, he needs to know his reaction wasn’t acceptable or effective, but that’s not the first thing he needs to know.

Kyle: What do children take from a more confrontational, traditional approach to misbehavior? What are the risks if we continue in that style?

Anne: We know the results because traumatized kids grow into dysfunctional adults. We have several decades of research based on interviews with adults who grew up in the same situations our kids are in now. To them, everything is a threat, they’re insecure about their relationships. They felt – and feel – damaged and useless. They say things like, “That’s why mom beat me, that’s why she let those men use me.”

You have to protect your child’s self-worth. You have to challenge the messages they receive from others about themselves. You have to challenge the messages they tell themselves about themselves. They do not expect that from adults because they have never had anyone but themselves to rely on for emotional safety.

Kyle: And being PACEful helps them build self-worth?

Anne: Yes! What we know about neurobiology and brain development is that humans need a steady stream of good experiences to build trusting, positive relationships. Neurotransmitters and hormones like dopamine and oxytocin, which make us feel happy and safe, release when we have small moments of connection. Something as simple as touching your child’s shoulder, winking across the dinner table, or complimenting the way they spoke respectfully to an adult all release a quick burst of dopamine or oxytocin that lingers for several minutes. In addition to building trust and connection, dopamine and oxytocin protect us from the kinds of negative emotions which drive trauma behaviors.

Kyle: This seems like it’s really realigning how you behave toward kids.

Anne: Exactly. It is more about being and less about doing, especially in the early stages of developing and cementing trust.

Kyle: I’ve seen parents and even professionals react to the impact being PACEful has on our kids. But sometimes they actually seem to get discouraged. I remember one mom saying, “Well, I’m just not like that. It’s not how I was raised. I don’t know that I can be that playful and understanding and perfect all the time.” Lots of variations on that theme. What do you think about that?

Anne: Some people, those who are naturally expressive in nonverbal ways or through their tone, they might have a leg up on the rest of us. But no one is perfect. No one has a monopoly on every piece of PACE.

The key is finding your strengths. Maybe playfulness isn’t your thing, and you come off as more naturally serious. You can make up for that with curiosity or empathy. Figure out where you’re most comfortable first, then build up and out. Once you find what you’re good at, you’ll feel more confidence and the rest will grow. You can build your expressiveness through something as simple as listening to a storyteller podcast, or an audiobook. Becoming comfortable reading children’s books using different voices for various characters could be good practice. Watching videos of Dr. Hughes on YouYube or asking a Family Works staff to roleplay with you would be other ways to gain additional exposure to PACE.

And keep in mind the value of playfulness; the point of being playful is not to be goofy or silly (although that has its place too!). While playful, we are able to neurologically disrupt the child’s anxiety or stress response. The human brain cannot be engaged in both stress and playfulness simultaneously. Therefore, by engaging with a little wistfulness, we can help the child become less stressed, less self-protective and more open and engaged to our connections with them. Once they’re open, we can help them begin to trust and heal.

DDP, and being PACEful, is the best tool we have for helping parents reach into the inner experiences of these kids, to build a path allowing them a space to join and build healthy, resilient relationships. The parents who we’ve worked with through Family Works love it. We have a no-show rate near zero, which is unheard of for in-home services. Many are hungry for more learning, about half attend our support groups to further build their PACE skills. They truly are the best ambassadors for this model. No matter how much my team and I talk about it, results speak louder.

The Coalition is looking for opportunities to infuse DDP deeper into the metropolitan area. Recently, we partnered with Missouri Foundation for Health to begin creating a DDP training collaborative specifically for foster, adoptive, and guardianship parents. It should be transformative, and we’re excited to be at the forefront of this.

If you would like to learn more about the DDP, you can find resources at the DDP Network (https://ddpnetwork.org/resources/)

Watch Sean’s feature on “A Place to Call Home.”

It’s not necessarily the sun shining through the windows that will brighten your mornings when Sean is in the house. It’s likely his smile, as he spends most of the day beaming! If you couple Sean’s silly sense of humor with his great grins, you’ve got an amazing young man who makes the dullest days brighter. Sean is 8-years old and loves to keep people laughing by telling jokes with the help of his computer. Knock-knock jokes are his specialty! He loves to chat about his favorite shows Monster Machines, Paw Patrol and Cars. Give him a few minutes and he will charm you into loving Lightning McQueen as much as he does! Sean is active, loves to laugh, and delights in the company of animals and big families.

Throughout his young life, Sean has continually defied expectations. He has made a significant recovery from injuries sustained in a car accident in 2017. He can now walk slowly and can go up and down stairs by himself. The special attention and care that he requires will remain a part of his life as he grows up. An adoptive family who is patient in his recovery, inclusive, and able to give Sean the time and attention he deserves would be the best fit for him. Since he enjoys playing and is often stimulated by the energy of other kids, older or younger siblings would be great for him too. If you think you are the right fit for Sean, please contact us. We would love to find the right adoptive family for this cheerful child.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Much of traditional day-to-day parenting assumes that the child feels safe at home and is able to trust their parent and their motives when they discipline them. They may not like the discipline but they never doubt the underlying security and unconditional love. This traditional parenting, based on social learning theory, assumes that children learn to decrease undesirable behaviors by receiving consequences and learn new desirable behaviors by receiving rewards. This type of normative parenting assumes a healthy attachment between child and parent, with trust and safety securely intact.

Children who have experienced chaotic, inconsistent and/or abusive parenting will carry with them expectations of this type of treatment from all adults. This means that these children will be confused and will struggle with normal, healthy parenting. It won’t make sense and it won’t feel safe. These children are often afraid of “parents”.  As a result of this, they have developed a range of ways to manage these high levels of fear and to provide self-protection.

Parents, if unaware, will find it very hard to understand, explain and manage these children’s behaviors. Additionally, the parents will also find it hard to connect emotionally to the children. These difficulties are best understood as:

• Difficulties in attachment, i.e. the children find it hard to feel safe and secure with their parents, despite the parents providing safety and security.
• Difficulties in relationships, i.e. the children find it hard to give and take in relationships, often rejecting all offers of care or demanding high levels of care with no reciprocity of affection.

These difficulties are most obvious in the children’s strong need to experience control in their relationships. Controlling behaviors provide a fragile sense of security while the experiences of intimacy, closeness, attachment, and relationships is terrifying. Sadly, these behaviors make it harder for them to experience relationships with parents, some of the only relationships which can actually help them recover from the earlier trauma.

These difficulties will likely extend beyond the home. The children can have difficulties in lots of their relationships. This can impact friendships, school and leisure activities. All of this culminates in a high level of exhaustion and often unrelenting stress for all the family.

When these methods don’t seem to work for these complexly traumatized children, parenting strategies based on what we know from research about developmental trauma and attachment better connect with the child’s inner world.

Dyadic Developmental Patenting (Parenting with P.A.C.E.)

Dyadic Developmental Patenting is an important part of helping children heal and recover from trauma. It relies on parents being able to remain emotionally regulated to connect with the child, while providing empathy-based corrections through behavioral support.

Parenting using the principles of Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy helps parents understand the meaning of the child’s behavior and teaches how to stay calm and emotionally regulated, even at very difficult times. This, in turn, helps the child calm down and co-regulate, thereby serving to keep the parent emotionally available, open, engaged and connected to continue supporting the child.

P.A.C.E. is an attitudinal structure that is used to build safety where previously there was only terror, and create trust where there was only mistrust. This parenting approach suggests a range of parenting strategies which make the world feel safer to the troubled child. Based on Attachment Theory, this approach helps the parent show the child that they will stay with them as they develop new stories to find out where they have been, who they are, and what they want to become.

By Anne Zink

Sources: https://ddpnetwork.org/ | Daniel A. Hughes, Kim S. Golding & Julie Hudson. Healing Relational with Attachment-Focused Intervention. New York. WW Norton & Co, 2019.

Stay tuned for our next blog where we look at how DDP is actually used in Coalition cases.

Issue Spotlight: Transition-Age Youth (TAY) in Foster Care

Do you remember being 21 years old? Maybe you have memories of signing your first lease, going off to college, searching for jobs or trying to find yourself. Oh, a time of change and endless possibilities… and stress, confusion and the overwhelming feeling of “having no idea how to do this”. Imagine how much harder this might be without family support. Someone to co-sign a lease with you, hand down dishes and furniture for your new place, or put in a good word for a job. And beyond practical help, a loved one to provide emotional support and guidance through life transitions.

Well, every year in the United States over 20,000 youth (18-24 years old) age out of foster care with very little or no support navigating significant life changes. According to the Jim Casey Initiative, 1 out of 5 transition-age youth will be homeless after age 18, over half will not graduate high school, fewer than 2% will earn a college degree by age 25, and by the age of 24, only half will be employed. These alarming statistics tells us about the challenges TAY face, but do not tell us who they are and why they so desperately need our support.

We had an interview with Kelly Sullivan, Connections Specialist at the Coalition. Having aged out of foster care herself, Kelly is passionate about advocating and supporting TAY. Using her personal and work experience she is on a mission to find ways for these youth to been seen and know they are loved.

YC: What are you most passionate about when it comes to working with TAY?

KS: I really want foster transition-age youth to know that someone respects their story and is willing to take the time to understand who they are as a result. Through honoring who they are and what they’ve been through, I hope that I can help them move forward with their goals and improve their wellbeing. Like the Carl Sagan quote, “You have to know the past to understand the present.” When children and youth are separated from their families, their stories, ties, and wellbeing become severed. I hope that by pasting together their stories with them, we can begin to change their narratives and Internal Working Models.

YC: What do we want our community to know about TAY?

KS: TAY is an age group that tends to confuse adults. I don’t think they are that complicated really. Youth want to feel loved, respected and cared for. They are at an age where they are meant to question and explore their identity. Adding systemic involvement and trauma to this developmental stage means that they need more help getting through these years. I think being playful, accepting, curious and empathetic (PACE-ful) with foster TAY is essential.

YC: What promising initiatives do you see on the horizon?

KS: I believe that once Developmental Trauma is added to the DSM, it will bring a new level of awareness to communities about why we actually see the types of behavioral responses that occur with foster TAY. It will help us to understand the types of therapeutic interventions and individualize their transition plans.

I also believe that systems are moving more toward interdependence versus independence. Our society has a high esteem toward individualism, however, human beings are a social species. We need each other for survival and TAY are no different. We shouldn’t expect them to age out of state custody without a myriad of supports in place with the emphasis being on relational supports.

YC: How does your program affect this population?

KS: Because the outcomes for older youth who age of state custody are so poor, older youth are a focus in all Coalition programs. We focus on preventing all children in foster care from reaching a point where they age out without supports. Training and supporting caregivers for this group is especially important. Once caregivers are trained through programs such as Family Works and supported by Educational Advocacy and The Dennis and Judy Jones Family Foundation Foster Care & Adoption Program, they can serve foster transition-age youth in a more meaningful and healing way.

If you would like to learn more about how to support the Coalition’s work with foster TAY contact Yanelis Castillo, Director of Mission Engagement at yaneliscastillo@foster-adopt.org.

Keep an eye out for our next blog highlighting Dyadic developmental psychotherapy (DDP).

Kelly Sullivan, Connections Specialist at the Coalition

It had been a tough day for 16-year-old Marcie*. She had just learned that her brother was being adopted. She was glad for him, but couldn’t help but wonder when she would find her forever family, too. She missed him already. Edna, The Coalition’s Wendy’s Wonderful Kids Recruiter, recognized that she needed a little extra cheer, so she brought her to ReFresh, The Coalition’s resale boutique.

Edna knew that Marcie’s closet at her foster home was bare. Marcie was hesitant at first, but Edna encouraged her to try on some clothes.

“I guess I do need some khaki shorts for work,” Marcie said.

A big storm had rolled in that day, keeping most shoppers at home, so Marcie and Edna had the store to themselves, with ReFresh volunteers there to help. Slowly, as Marcie began to find outfits she liked, her demeanor changed. Her smile returned.

The volunteers helped her carry all of her favorites to the cash register. When the total rang up, Marcie’s eyes grew wide. Between the deep discount that youth in foster care receive at ReFresh, and the Rewards coupons she was given, she owed less than a dollar. She now owned a wardrobe of quality, fashionable clothing that she could wear to school and work. She left ReFresh that day, her spirit lifted.

Making the most of every dollar

Did you know … kids in foster care only receive a $350 clothing stipend for the entire year? We know that does not stretch very far, especially for older youth. That is why ReFresh is an integral part of our mission to support kids in foster care and their families. Youth in foster care receive a 90% discount on all clothing and accessories in the store, and foster/adoptive/kinship families receive a 30% discount. In 2018, ReFresh sold 1,610 items to foster youth.

It all started in the late 1990s. The Coalition established The KidStore, a small retail store that provided new and gently used clothing to foster/adoptive children at minimal cost. It was housed on the 2nd floor of Tyler Place Presbyterian Church. In 2006, with the support of May Company, Lowe’s, Home Depot, Build-A-Bear Workshop, KSDK NewsChannel 5, and local artist Charles Houska, KidStore hosted a Grand Re-Opening Celebration. The expansion and updates allowed The Coalition to serve even more families.

In 2009, The Coalition won a Social Entrepreneurship grant from Washington University’s Skandalaris Center for Interdisciplinary Innovation and Entrepreneurship. After months of planning, market research, and hiring for the perfect team, The Coalition launched ReFresh in August 2011 with a Grand Opening at its new location in Brentwood.

Today, ReFresh is a full-operation resale boutique. It is filled with trendy clothing, including a section boasting names like Kate Spade, Tory Burch, and more. Its prices beat those you’ll find at other discount chains.

You’ll find the red carpet runway outside the upstairs dressing room. There, you can model the latest fashions in front of your friends, who wait comfortably on the lounge couches while they watch TV or browse a fashion magazine.

Volunteer opportunities

Other than three store co-managers, ReFresh is completely powered by volunteers. In 2018, 328 volunteers from the community spent 3,612 hours at ReFresh, helping sort, organize, and tag all donated clothing and accessories, dress mannequins, and engage with shoppers. Volunteers include individuals, students, families, religious and civic groups, and local businesses. Corporations like Maritz, Edward Jones, HomeState Health, Wells Fargo, and Great Southern Bank regularly send groups of their employees to ReFresh to serve, as it has proven to be a great team-building experience that also benefits the community.

In 2018, 328 volunteers from the community spent 3,612 hours at ReFresh, helping sort, organize, and tag all donated clothing and accessories, dress mannequins, and engage with shoppers.

“My favorite part of working here is the volunteers,” said Tammy Hayes, co-manager at ReFresh. “They aren’t getting paid, they just believe in our mission. I love getting to meet a broad spectrum of people – they are all so unique … just like the clothes at ReFresh! They make it so interesting and fun.”

Hannah Stroup began volunteering at ReFresh to fulfill the 100 community service hours required for a class at John Burroughs School. It made a lasting impact on her. This summer, she transitioned into a seasonal staff member role. In the fall, she will return to Butler University where she is pursuing a degree in Education. “I love kids. Working at ReFresh is perfect because the proceeds from the store helps kids in foster care, and I get to personally interact with them as they shop,” she said.

The Cinderella Project

One of the most popular volunteer opportunities at ReFresh is the Cinderella Project. Throughout the year, thousands of formal gowns of all colors, styles, and sizes are donated to ReFresh. Students, boutiques, families, and businesses host dress drives and then deliver them to the store. Young ladies who are in foster care or simply cannot afford one are invited to come and find their perfect gown, to ensure they do not miss out on the prom of their dreams. Volunteers help sort and organize the inventory. When the young ladies come in to find a dress, they are paired with a volunteer “fairy godmother” who helps them find the right dress and accessories. If the dress doesn’t quite fit, volunteer seamstresses are on hand to make the necessary alterations. It is a magical experience for all, and the smiles on the young ladies’ faces when they leave is the ultimate reward for volunteers.

Need some inspiration? Meet Legacy Jackson … she is 9 years old, and decided she wanted to be a part of The Cinderella Project. Legacy hosted a dress drive, and collected dozens of beautiful gowns for our young ladies. Thank you, Legacy!

Beloved by the community

What started out as a clothing closet for children in need has blossomed into a high-impact, top-quality boutique that now brings in more than $200,000 a year to support The Coalition’s mission. It is no longer Brentwood’s best kept secret. For two years in a row, ReFresh has been voted by the community to be one of the best clothing resale stores for St. Louis Magazine’s “A-List.”

Support ReFresh today

To stay in the loop about all of ReFresh’s events and sales, follow them on Facebook and Instagram.  If you or your company is interested in volunteering for ReFresh, please email refresh@foster-adopt.org or call at 314-881-0331.

*Name was changed to protect child’s privacy.

It was a sea of smiles at Wells Fargo Advisors last month, as the Coalition welcomed longtime supporters to our 30 Years of Volunteers Luncheon. It felt more like a family reunion, bringing together extraordinary individuals and groups who have been committed to serving our most vulnerable kids for the last three decades.

The room was filled with people of all ages from different walks of life, each with a unique reason for giving their time and talent, but united by a shared vision: ensuring every child has a place to call home. One of our founders, Wanda Stokes, and our very first Executive Director, Lynn Broeder, sat together, swapping stories about the Coalition’s early days when the office was housed in the Wainwright Building downtown. Emeritus board members chatted with new junior board members, inspiring this next generation of volunteer leaders.

“So much has changed since our beginning 30 years ago, but one thing has remained a vital part of our work … volunteers,” said Melanie Scheetz, the Coalition’s Executive Director. Shelley Thomas-Benke, Director of Volunteers, also shared her gratitude for the many hours donated by those in the room.

National Recognition

Although never motivated by recognition, our volunteers’ selfless dedication earned national attention. In 2018 alone, 737 volunteers donated 5,877 community service hours across more than 50 opportunities throughout the Greater St. Louis area. In the last 30 years, the estimated number of volunteer hours donated is 93,000, with an economic impact of $1,395,000 in the region. On behalf of this incredible service, the Coalition was presented with The President’s Volunteer Service Award, a national honor given by The White House and administered by the Points of Light organization. It is the premier volunteer award, encouraging citizens to live a life of service through presidential gratitude and national recognition. Ambassador George Herbert Walker, cousin of the late President George H.W. Bush who founded the Points of Light organization, presented the award. Also in attendance was Kathleen Fleming of Forward Focus kkf, LLC, who helped certify The Coalition for the honor.

“Volunteers truly are the heartbeat of our organization,” said Melanie. “We are so honored to be recognized by the Points of Light organization for the commitment of our volunteers in finding forever homes for kids impacted by foster care.”

Support at Every Level

Representing KSDK – 5 On Your Side, one of the Coalition’s most dedicated community partners, Anthony Slaughter emceed the luncheon, sharing why this mission is personal for him.

“I am especially touched to be involved because of my own journey in becoming a foster/adoptive dad,” he noted. “I never thought I would be a single dad of twin boys before I turned 30, but when my cousin’s boys needed a place to call home, I didn’t think twice.”

To acknowledge each volunteer and give a visual of the magnitude of support, he asked everyone to wave the orange flag at their place setting when he named the opportunity they had supported. Flags filled the air as he recognized the governing and junior boards, Birthday Buddies, Holiday Wishes volunteers, Cinderella Project personal shoppers and seamstresses, Foster Friends, event committees, ReFresh and Resource volunteers, Training Extravaganza supporters, supply drive organizers, CASAs, and foster/adoptive parents.

One of those volunteers was Angela Wakefield. Several years ago she started her journey with The Coalition by volunteering with her employer, Wells Fargo Advisors, but quickly found more ways to get involved. “I love the fact that they will go to any length to find forever homes for these children,” she said. “They also treat me like I’m a part of their family, which is really special to me.”

It was a beautiful day celebrating our volunteers who truly are the heart and soul of all that we do. Check out some highlights from that day below!

To learn more about volunteering at Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition, please reach out to Shelley Thomas-Benke at shelley@foster-adopt.org.

*Special thank you to Andi Norwich for the photos, and KSDK – 5 On Your Side team and Michelle Shockley for creating the video!*

“Everybody can be great. Because anybody can serve…You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.