Gary is a kind and helpful 13-year-old looking for his forever family. Gary loves all animals, but horses are his favorite. Gary enjoys horseback riding and spending time outside. He also enjoys shopping at his favorite store, Dollar Tree. He has a good sense of humor and is always willing to lend a helping hand. Gary is in 8th grade and math and reading are his favorite subjects. Gary’s interests include shopping, spending time with animals, watching his favorite show, Once Upon a Time, and spending time with his foster family. Gary would like a forever family with pets, two parents, and one or two siblings.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

This year we celebrate 10 years of our 30 Days to Family® program in the St. Louis area with a BIG milestone: we will soon reach 1,000 kids served!

30 Days to Family® helps place kids with relatives, significantly reducing their time in foster care and creating stable placements by weaving together a robust support system. This short intervention has a long-lasting impact on children’s lives: kids experience a lot less trauma and develop strong family connections that will last a lifetime.

Ten years have passed, and we are in awe of the incredible impact the 30 Days to Family® program has made in the lives of children entering foster care, their families, and the child welfare community in St. Louis and across the country.

To celebrate this decade, AND the exciting milestone of serving 1000 kids in the St. Louis area, we will take a trip down memory lane, recounting 30 Days to Family® history, highlighting the team’s immeasurable impact through the years, and circling back to a few of the stories from our 30 Days to Family® specialists’ first few cases.

For now, we’ll jump right into how it all started…

For years, much of the focus of Coalition programs had been finding families for kids after they had lingered in foster care for a while. Through the Extreme Recruitment® program, our staff became exceptionally skilled at family search and engagement, finding an incredible number of placement options and supports within the children’s relative and kinship network. Until one day we asked ourselves: what if we didn’t wait to intervene until kids desperately needed a family? We could use the same principles to find families for kids before they had to wait in the system for months or even years. And thus, 30 Days to Family® was born in March of 2011– building on the success of Extreme Recruitment^® – to work with kids as soon as they enter foster care, to get them to family as quickly as possible.

The Coalition’s Executive Director, Melanie Scheetz, inspired the initial vision for 30 Days to Family®, which was further developed into a program by Melanie Moredock, the Coalition’s first 30 Days to Family® program director and now Director of Program Replication at the Institute for Child Welfare Innovation. It is essential to highlight that none of this would have been possible without the generous support of Christopher Reid and Jennifer DeLaney, the very first 30 Days to Family® investors.

After Mr. Reid served on the Coalition’s Board of Directors for six years, he and Jennifer felt compelled to leave a legacy for children impacted by foster care by supporting an innovative, groundbreaking intervention that would significantly transform kids’ future. Their seed funding made it possible to hire the first 30 Days to Family® staff member, Melanie Moredock, and start the program in St. Louis County. Since then, our in-house team has grown to a unit of six and–with the support from other funders including the United Way of Greater St. Louis, St. Louis County Children’s Service Fund, The Mental Health Board, the Community & Children’s Resource Board, an anonymous foundation, and hundreds of small gifts from individuals–the program has expanded to serve St. Louis City, St. Charles, and Jefferson Counties.  

Thanks to the support from the Children’s Service Fund opportunity fund and an anonymous funder, Policy Works, a think tank in Virginia, carried out a rigorous, independent study of the 30 Days to Family® program. The results were astounding! This evaluation tested the program’s theory of change, confirming that children served by 30 Days to Family® do better through improved caregiver connections and community involvement, relieves stress on caregivers due to increased supports, and even saves taxpayer dollars to the tune of more than $10,000 per child. The full findings of this independent study were published in the Child Welfare Journal in October 2019. A follow up study of our replication sites has been completed and cost savings were sustained in 15 counties across Ohio. Findings will be published in early 2021.

As of February 2021, 30 Days to Family® has been rated in the California Evidence-Based Clearinghouse for Child Welfare (CEBC). This means the program is scientifically rated as Promising Research Evidence and given a High Child Welfare System Relevance Level.

It didn’t take long for 30 Days to Family® to garner national attention! This intervention has been replicated in Ohio, Virginia, Oregon, and other States. The number of agencies across the country interested in replicating the 30 Days to Family® program grew, and the Coalition sought a solution to preserve our mission to serve children and families in the Saint Louis area. As a result, on December 2019, the Institute for Child Welfare Innovation was created to take on the efforts of training, scaling, and replicating the Coalition’s 30 Days to Family® Program.

In St. Louis, our talented 30 Days to Family Specialists continue placing kids with relatives/kin, and connecting kids with family and life-long resources to help them thrive. Day in and day out, our Specialists find and average of 150 relatives per case, and overcome seemingly impossible material and emotional barriers to make sure kids go to the best family to love, protect, and nurture them amidst the profound trauma they’ve experienced.

In the next couple of weeks, we will be sharing some of our kid’s stories highlighting the power of family and robust support in creating placement stability. Stay tuned!

I would like to introduce you to this incredibly resilient, lovable and humble young man, Christian. Christian is a 17-year-old Caucasian male. Christian has Cerebral Palsy, but has moved mountains by only using his leg braces when he is walking and running. Christian loves to give hugs and enjoys using his video game talents playing Fortnite. His precious smile can brighten any room. His favorite food is pepperoni and sausage pizza and he explained that his favorite color is purple. Christian will be going into the 10th grade. Christian would thrive in a two parent house hold with other children that are older and younger than him. He would also love to be in a home with pets, especially a dog!

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Roman is a dynamic 7 year old self-proclaimed comedian. He is an active kiddo who loves to ride his bike, will run straight for the slide at the playground, and will never turn down dessert for dinner.

He enjoys being outside and hopes to build a treehouse one day with a forever family. When he has down time inside, he likes to play video games and watch super hero cartoons. He will excitedly tell you that his favorite super hero is the HULK and imitate the Hulk Smash for you.
Adults in Roman’s life describe him as an outgoing, personable and extremely intelligent kid. Roman loves that he is caring and makes people laugh, and I promise that you will love that about him too!

He loves the holidays and Christmas is his favorite. Roman described his ideal Christmas as a movie night watching Home Alone with his family, a bucket of popcorn to share, and cake. What he wishes for even more, is a forever family to share it all with.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Amanda Denning – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e amandadenning@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Jahkaiya is affectionately called “Tweety” by those that know and love her. This ten year old is full of smiles and loves to give high fives, especially if it’s her first time meeting you! She has a bright smile that will warm your heart.

Jahkaiya is a dancer at heart. If there is music playing, then she is moving. Her favorite music to listen to is inspirational/gospel. After school, while hanging out at home, she loves to look at magazines and picture books. She is inquisitive and not afraid to try new activities.

Jahkaiya has a strong appetite with a flair for Italian food, with her favorite dinner choices being pizza and spaghetti. After a good dinner you will see her jumping up and down for ice cream with toppings.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Amanda Denning – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e amandadenning@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

During the holidays, we are inundated with messages from a number of sources (movies, music, TV, social media, commercials) about how we should be feeling joyful, happy, and thankful. Surrounded by loving (and attractive) family, laughter, fancy food served at perfectly set tables and loads of expensive gifts, these images rarely reflect the truth for the majority of people. For children in foster care, conflicting loyalties and lost dreams can make the holidays an even more especially difficult time. They often report feeling especially vulnerable, lonely and sad, at a time when they are expected to feel exactly the opposite.

What can those of us caring for these children and youth do or say to ease the pain?

Top 5 Tips

1. Prepare the foster youth in your care for the holidays in your home

Have a discussion with the young person about your family’s holiday customs. Do you celebrate over multiple days, or is there one “main” celebration? Are there religious customs? Will gifts be exchanged? What should they wear? Who will they meet? What preparations need to be done in advance? Will there be visitors to the home? Will they be taken on visits to the homes of other family or friends? And in all of these events, will your youth be expected to participate? Knowing what to expect will help to decrease anxiety around the holidays. Avoid surprises and you will decrease seasonal tensions.

Of equal importance is to help them talk about their memories of the holidays. Be prepared for anything from fantasies to reports of no memories of anything at all. Give them space to talk and be prepared to validate any feelings they may share with you. Find ways to incorporate any traditions they remember into your family’s celebration.

2. Help them make sure their loved ones are okay

Young people may worry that their family members are struggling through the holidays. If homelessness has been a regular issue, the winter season may bring cold weather and extreme hardship. Your youth may experience guilt if they feel a loved one is struggling while they, the youth, are living in comfort. Knowing that a biological parent or sibling has shelter from the cold or has their other basic needs met may ease a young person’s mind through the always emotional holidays.

3. Understand and encourage your youth’s own traditions and beliefs

Encourage discussion about the holiday traditions your young person experienced prior to being in foster care, or even celebrations they liked while living with other foster families. Incorporate the traditions the youth cherishes into your own family celebration, if possible. Use the opportunity to investigate the youth’s culture and research customary traditions. If the young person holds a religious belief different from yours, or if their family did, check into the traditions customarily surrounding those beliefs.

4. Assist in purchasing or making holiday gifts or in sending cards to their family and friends

Allow young people to purchase small gifts for their relatives, or help them craft homemade gifts. Help send holiday cards to those that they want to stay connected with. The list of people that your youth wishes to send cards and gifts to should be left completely to the youth, although precautions may be taken to ensure safety (for example, a return address may be left off the package, or use the address of the foster care agency) and compliance with any court orders.

5. Understand if they pull away

Despite your best efforts, a young person may simply withdraw during the holidays. Understand that this detachment most likely is not intended to be an insult or a reflection of how they feel about you, but rather is their own coping mechanism. Allow for “downtime” during the holidays that will allow the youth some time to themselves if they need it (although some youth would prefer to stay busy to keep their mind off other things — you will need to make a decision based on your knowledge of the young person). Be sure to fit in one-on-one time, personal time for your youth and you to talk through what they are feeling during this emotional and often confusing time of year.

More Tips

6. Remember confidentiality

You may receive well-intended but prying questions from those you visit with over the holidays. If your young person is new to your home, it is natural that family members ask questions about your youth’s background. As much as possible, have these conversations ahead of time, without the youth present. Understand that questions are generally not meant to be insensitive or rude, but simply come from a place of not knowing much about foster care. Think in advance about how to answer these questions while maintaining your youth’s confidentiality. Use the opportunity to educate interested family and friends. Pre-establish the boundaries for information sharing.

Discuss with your young person how they would like to be introduced and what is appropriate to share about their history with your family and friends. (Remember, they have no obligation to reveal their past.) Help them to set boundaries and consider a private “signal” to use if they feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

7. Arrange meeting your family in advance, if possible

The hustle and bustle of the holidays can make it particularly chaotic for your young person to participate in your family traditions. Anxiety may run high for young people already, and the stress of meeting your relatives may be a lot to deal with. If possible, you can arrange a casual “meeting” in advance of “main events.” If it is not possible or practical to meet beforehand, make a list of names of some of the people they’ll meet and their connection to you. You can also encourage a quick call from relatives you plan to visit to deliver a personal message of “we are excited to meet you” so that your youth knows they will be welcome. Consider making a “hostess” gift with the youth to present to the host of the party. Homemade gifts are always welcome!

8. Have extra presents ready to help offset differences

It should not be expected that all relatives purchase presents for your youth. Be prepared with other small gifts and for those family members that express concern over not having brought a gift, offer one of your “backups” for them to place under the tree. Extra presents may be addressed “from Santa”, even for older youth, to help offset a larger number of gifts other children may receive at the same time. Children often keep count of the number of gifts received (right or wrong) and use it to compare with other kids, so sometimes quantity is important.

At times, foster youth receive gifts from people they do not know. Asking a child to identify gift(s) for their wish list is often met with confusion, resistance or other equally charged emotions. We have to remind ourselves that our excitement and enthusiasm for these types of gifts may not be their experience. In some circumstances, these youth may not have celebrated Christmas before or they are not used to asking for a “gift” but rather for some basic need (i.e., toiletries or food). When encouraged to think “bigger”—beyond just what they need and ask for something that they want—foster children often struggle. Intense thoughts and fears arise: Am I disloyal to my birth parents by requesting/accepting gifts? Does this mean I won’t be home by Christmas?

It’s often our role to help foster youth understand that the community’s desire to give them gifts means only that they are loved. You may need to guard against well-meaning people’s desire to “give a happy holiday for such a deprived, abused little child,” protecting the children from such toxic sentiments.

9. Facilitate visits with loved ones

The holidays can be a busy time for everyone including foster parents and caseworkers. But it is especially important during this time of year to help your young person arrange for visits with loved ones. Don’t allow busy schedules to mean the postponement of these important visits. Try to get permission for your youth to make phone calls to relatives. A youth may wish to extend holiday wishes to relatives and friends from an old neighborhood, but may need your help getting phone numbers together. Use the opportunity to help the youth develop their own address book. If the youth cannot visit, consider including their birth families in your thoughts and prayers. If you are making homemade gifts, consider making ones for the birth family, even if they cannot be delivered immediately.

This is a time when many foster youth feel deeply conflicted about their birth families and worry about them. It is a good time to let them know it is okay for them to be safe and cared for even if their birth family is struggling. Reassure them, if you can, about the safety and care of those they are missing.

10. Extend an invitation

If it is safe and allowed by your foster care agency, consider extending an invitation to siblings or birth parents through the holidays. It need not be an invitation to your “main” holiday event, consider a “special” dinner for your youth to celebrate with their loved ones. If this not a possibility to do within your home, consider arranging a visit at a local restaurant (ask the caseworker is it would be appropriate for the visit to be unsupervised or if your supervision would suffice). Extending an invitation to their loved ones need not signal to a young person that you support their birth family’s lifestyle or choices — rather it tells a young person that you respect their wish to stay connected to family. You will also send a message to the youth that they aren’t being put in a position to “choose” your family over their bio-family and that it is possible to have a relationship with all the people they care about.

11. Call youth who formerly lived with you

The holidays can be a particularly tough time for youth who have recently aged out of foster care. They may not have people to visit or a place to go for the holidays. In addition, young people commonly struggle financially when they first leave foster care. A single phone call may lift their spirits and signal that you continue to care for them and treasure their friendship. Be sure to include these youth on your own holiday card list. A small token gift or gift basket of homemade holiday goodies may be especially appreciated. Most importantly, it is essential to let adoptees, foster children, and those who have aged out of the system know that they are not alone and they are not to blame for their losses.

12. Prepare friends and family before you visit

Let people know in advance about new family members in your home. Surprising a host or hostess at the door with a “new” foster youth may set up an awkward situation — such as a scramble to set an extra place at the table — making the young person feel like an imposition right from the start of the visit. Your preparation of friends should help cut down on awkward, but reasonable questions such as “who are you?” or “where did you come from?”

Also prepare the youth for what to expect. Talk about upcoming events and the people who will be there. If they have not met before, introduce them with old photos or stories about them. Prepare them for the “characters” in your family. Tell them if the celebration will be formal or informal, what to wear, what they will do there, if is a quiet or loud affair, and how long you will stay. If “please” and “thank you” will be expected, role play with the youth until they are comfortable with such expressions.

13. Understandable behavioral reactions:

Be prepared for the sadness and grief. Talk about your child’s feelings throughout the season.

Give your children time and space to grieve. Grief takes many forms and may be exhibited in lots of ways, including:

• Reverting back to younger behaviors developmentally
• Soiling themselves or bedwetting
• Becoming withdrawn and isolated
• Having temper tantrums
• Being rebellious
• Complaining more than usual
• Needing to be extra busy to avoid feeling

Try to remember the developmental age of the children you foster. It will also help you to stay patient if you keep in mind the challenges of the season for your child before you react.

Expressions of gratitude don’t often come readily from kids in foster care. Not because they aren’t grateful, but more often because they are in survival mode, especially during the holidays. Amazingly, more kids than not want to know who they can thank for their gifts. Help them to write thank you notes or make “thank you” phone calls to those who made their day extra special.

14. Religious Differences & the Holidays

The holidays can be tough for foster families. Children in care miss their families and their traditions, while at the same time they may want to be part of the activities of the foster family. When there’s a religious difference between the child’s family and the foster family, things can become even more complicated.

Religion can be a sensitive issue. Legally, birth parents have the right to choose their children’s religion or lack of religion. Placement of their child in foster care does not take away this right.

Of course, most foster parents try to respect the culture and religious customs of the children in their care. But what does this mean when it comes to religion?

The answer lies in establishing open lines of communication among foster parents, DSS, and the birth family. If your agency knows how you feel about religious issues (for example, if prayer makes you feel uncomfortable, or if you feel compelled to convert children and their families), it will make informed placement decisions.

This communication works both ways. The more you know about the religion, traditions, and preferences of birth families, the easier it will be for you to act in a way that honors their beliefs.

Darnail (9) and Jaylisa (6) are siblings looking for their forever family. Both siblings love swimming and being in the water. Darnail cares deeply for his little sister, and often encourages her by setting an example and praising the good things she does. Even from a young age, he has always looked out for his sister, making sure she had food and good caregivers. Darnail and Jaylisa love to tell each other about their day, school, and activities.

Darnail is goofy and loves to laugh. He is a compassionate young man and often asks how he can help others, offering to help out, walk the dog, and even give shoulder rubs. More than anything, Darnail loves to be outside, riding bikes and scooters, or playing basketball. He recently started horseback riding and will tell you all about it!

Jaylisa is six years old going on thirty! She often knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to tell you. She loves participating in activities like swimming and gymnastics. In fact, you will often see Jaylisa practicing gymnastics at home and even swimming (with goggles) in the bathtub. If you ask her favorite food, she will tell you that it is a McDonald’s hamburger, no pickles, no onions, double fries, and whichever toy she may want. She loves playing with her dolls and crafting of all kinds!

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Samantha Fisher – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e samanthafisher@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Za’Leyah, who also spells her name Zaleyah, is a friendly and energetic 11-year-old girl. Za’Leyah is talkative and loves being around family and friends, as well as meeting new people. She loves to play games and watch videos on YouTube. A few of Za’Leyah’s favorite things include Pizza Hut, playing on her tablet, math class, and hanging out with her foster family. Za’Leyah enjoys having quiet time indoors, but also loves to play outside, especially if a trampoline is involved!

Za’Leyah describes herself as helpful, happy, and proud (especially when she earns rewards!). Za’Leyah does well in school and is thriving in her current foster home. Za’Leyah describes being adopted as “happiness and being part of a family.”

All family types will be considered for Za’Leyah.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Maddie Bobbitt – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e maddiebobbitt@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Marion is 16 years old. He takes a minute to warm up to you, but once he gets to know you he is very friendly. Marion is at the age where he wants to learn how to drive and have that first experience with employment. He envisions his first job at a shoe store, or in a restaurant. He is interested in cooking, and he wants go to barbering school. Marion’s favorite marvel comic character is Spiderman, the great powers of Spiderman comes with great possibilities. This is something Marion admires in his favorite comic. Marion former foster parent described Marion as a good kid that gets along with other children in the neighborhood, and is always helpful in the home. Marion knows he is an older youth, but he believes he can be part of a family that will give him an opportunity to have his first job, explore cooking in the family kitchen, and navigate job opportunities.

Family is important to Marion. Being a part of a family that can offer him patience, kindness, and goodness will help Marion grow.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Maddie Bobbitt – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e maddiebobbitt@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Kendell a 14 year old teenager. who works hard at his studies. He is a deep thinker, and he is most engaging when he knows something about the subject matter. He will flourish in a conversation if knowledgeable about the subject. Kendell is described by his current foster dad as a well-rounded youth. He travels with the couple for vacations. They are protective of Kendell, and they help him with his academics and support him in his love for antique cars and other recreational activities.

Kendell is a youth that internalizes everything. He is calm, cool, and collected. He has handled hard situations with maturity. Kendell enjoys video games, basketball, and a true love for antique cars. He is currently taking jujitsu self-defense classes. Kendell’s foster mom shared that Kendell has a healthy appetite. He is not a picky eater, but a growing 14 year old who likes grits, bacon, eggs, juices, biscuits, and toast.

A family for Kendell is one that will continue to guide him in his academics, and help him blossom into the wonderful man he’s sure to become.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Maddie Bobbitt – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e maddiebobbitt@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Monaye, a happy 12-year-old pre-teen, with a winning smile, she is described as a beautiful person, with a pleasant personality, she likes coloring, drawing, and word searches, she enjoys singing and dancing, an activity she cultivated in praise dance at church where she sang in the church choir and participated in praise dance. Monaye favorite singer is ED Sheeran, the song you will hear her sing is Simply by Ed Sheeran, another favorite artist is Sara Bareilles, another fun activity Monaye enjoys is playing beanbag toss! Monaye is a big helper around the house, especially helping in the kitchen, a good appetite favorite foods are hot chicken wings, French fries, chocolate ice cream, and quick car run for McDonald’s Flurries.

Monaye has a younger sister, introducing Shemiah!

Shemiah is a your typical 8-year old sister, she is lively, with fun energy, who likes to color, looking up to her older sister Monaye, Shemiah quickly will tell you her favorite colors are pink, yellow, and blue, she likes unicorns, and L.O.L dolls, favorite foods are pizza, salads with ranch dressing, apples, oranges, grapes, and strawberries. Shemiah she wants to learn how to swim, when outside she wants to play in the rain, and she really, really, wants her ears pierced. Monaye and Shemiah agree family for them would embrace family reunions, holidays, vacations, and trips to Branson. Shemiah wants a kind, fun, family and one you can feel safe. Monaye sees in her ideal family a pet dog, the family would have laughter, and Shemiah chimed in that family would allow for downtime.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Maddie Bobbitt – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e maddiebobbitt@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Gianna’s father, Joseph, was struggling with drug addiction when Gianna came into foster care at 11 years old. Her mother had passed away and Joseph was Gianna’s sole caregiver. As Gianna’s case progressed, her father was unable to overcome his struggle with substance use and a judge made Gianna available for adoption.

Gianna suffered immense trauma before entering foster care, both due to the death of her mother and then the loss of her father and her home when she was placed with a foster family. Growing up in the system like she did makes healing from trauma an extremely difficult process. Children heal in the context of stable relationships with loving, supportive adults. But for kids in care, stability is often the exception, not the rule.

As she entered her teen years, Gianna struggled with behavioral issues and coped with her difficult past through self-harm. She needed someone to step up, commit to her, and love her unconditionally so she could finally heal.

Edna Green, an Extreme Recruiter, was assigned to the case in May of 2017. She relentlessly searched for family who could care for Gianna the way she needed, but no one stepped up. It was difficult to find someone to adopt Gianna when no one would look past the behavioral issues to see the sweet, caring, and creative girl inside coping with her life circumstances.

In October 2019, Delaney and Judah, the parents of one of Gianna’s friends, expressed interest in adopting her. This out of the box option received opposition from Gianna’s professional team. Edna deployed Hannah Woods, a Families United Specialist at the Coalition, to meet with the family to explain the process of becoming a licensed relative placement for Gianna. Edna was sure that Hannah’s thorough exploration of this family would help the team see that this was best for Gianna. This was her forever family.

Hannah enrolled Delaney and Judah in Relative Foster Parent Training, Trauma Training, and two other trainings for youth with behavioral issues. She worked closely with them to help them understand Gianna’s past and the support she would need to overcome the trauma she had experienced. The family moved into a bigger home just so Gianna could have her own space. By this point, Gianna’s team was beginning to come around.

In December 2019, Gianna was placed in a psychiatric hospital. Her foster parent at the time would not allow Gianna to return to her home, so Hannah advocated for Gianna’s placement with Delaney and Judah rather than moving in with yet another stranger. Hannah assured the team that Delaney and Judah were ready and that Hannah would be right there with them to provide guidance and support as they navigated their new lives with Gianna.

As soon as she moved in the team knew this was the right place. Delaney and Judah were very playful with Gianna. They met her where she was at and used life experience to relate to her. Even with this positive progress, the team was still reluctant to consider this a success; they worried Gianna was just in the “honeymoon phase” of her new placement. Hannah worked hard to prepare the family for when things would get difficult.

Today, Gianna has been home for eight months. She looks better than ever, she is happier, and she is taking an active role in her own case by participating in meetings and advocating for herself. After five years in the foster care system, Gianna finally feels safe enough to heal.

These adorable brothers have an extremely strong bond and hope for a forever family that will commit to the both of them. Romeo and Romel each have their own unique personalities, but those personalities mesh well. Church has been a big part of their lives since they were babies so they would love a family that will continue to share that with them.

Romeo is 15 years old and in the 10th grade. He is blessed with great musical ability, which he expressed by playing the viola for three years. Besides music, he also enjoys sports such as basketball, football, and baseball. His ultimate wish is to be part of a family that would take him to an NBA game. Romeo has a powerhouse personality! While he can be shy, he comes out of his shell when he entertains an audience. Those that know him say he is very respectful and that he is also a great older brother to Romel. Romeo looks forward to having a family that will teach him how to drive, explore employment opportunities with him, and cook with him in the kitchen. More than anything, he wants a family that is willing to learn how to interact with him so they can spend quality time together.

Romel, a pre-teen that is 12 years old, is ready to embark on middle school as he heads into the 7th grade. He is inquisitive and easygoing, and others describe him as a youth with a great urge to learn. He is very proud when he works on his homework by himself, and loves bringing his work to an adult for extra help, encouragement, and affirmation of a job well done. Romel is a great helper. He is currently learning more age appropriate household chores and has expressed an interest in learning how to cook easy fun meals. Romel will be happy when he can spend time with his forever-family learning new things. He gets along well with his older brother Romeo, as well as kids from all age groups. He is kind and loving to pets, and desires a family dog to love, take on walks, and teach to jog alongside him as he rides his bike.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Maddie Bobbitt – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e maddiebobbitt@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Mariah* spent 2 of her last 3 years in foster care bouncing in and out of residential facilities.  When she transitioned to the residential facility, she had an IEP in place.  The residential facility refused to hold the annual IEP meeting when the case manager requested it, so her IEP was over a year old and therefore, out-of-date when she transitioned to a foster home.  When Mariah moved into her new foster home, she had an expired IEP and hadn’t been in a traditional school setting in years. But, as we see too often with kids in foster care, Mariah was immediately enrolled in general education classes with limited special education support. Not only did she have to adjust to this completely new setting, she had to do it during virtual learning in the middle of a pandemic. She has very little experience using a computer, and no experience with the learning platforms her new school requires.  Her foster parents say Mariah feels completely defeated.  Mariah says that she feels totally lost and most of the time has no idea what the teachers are asking her to do.

 Jason* started 9^th grade at a new school.  He, like many kids who have experienced trauma, needs relationships to feel safe.  Zoom classrooms with adults and children he doesn’t know make him anxious.  He is now refusing to participate, becoming verbally and physically aggressive when his foster mom tries to encourage him. Recently, he cussed out the school counselor when she called the house to see why he hadn’t logged on for Math.

Like Mariah, many kids in foster care have had very little experience with technology. Maybe they could never afford a home device, or maybe they had to share with several siblings. Like Jason, many kids in foster care need to build trust to learn effectively, as their trauma gets in the way of their learning. The new reality of our community’s schools hurts all children to some extent, but these changes hurt much worse for kids struggling with traumatic histories and a chronic lack of stability.

Parents and primary caregivers: if you feel like supporting your kids through distance learning is impossible, you are not alone! These struggles are far from rare and caregivers at home are feeling the burnout. All parents with school-age children doing distance learning can relate to the struggles at some level. Sadly, for kids in foster care, many of whom also face disabilities, this burden can often feel unbearable.

Our Educational Advocates receive daily calls from caregivers who need help navigating technology, special education evaluations, accessing supports, and countless other educational challenges brought by distance learning. Schools and community organizations have created resources to help families navigate new technologies, special education plans, schedules, and other challenges. However, consistently, our Educational Advocacy calls deal with how to help parents survive emotionally through supporting their kids through at-home education.

Mariah’s caregiver has a full-time job and is working from home. Jason’s foster parent has other children in the home who all need help with school work. In both cases, supporting their kid’s educational needs is an overwhelming and seemingly impossible task. Districts have established ways to keep up with special education plans and IEPs, yet, inevitably, services and supports are far from what children received in person. And even if your child doesn’t have an IEP, being fully available to support your kid’s school day is tough. This pressure is really stressful, and it might have you feeling like you are failing your kids. We are here to reassure you that you are not!

While we can’t provide you with a magical formula, one of our amazing Educational Advocates, Trish Taddeucci, is here to share some practical advice to help you survive the distance learning storm. Trish has more than 15 years of diverse teaching experience, and her work with youth in foster care won her the Missouri Child Advocate Award in 2014. Here we’re sharing with you some of the highlights of our conversation:

 What is the most important piece of advice you give to caregivers?

Ramp up the advocacy! Talk to your teachers, don’t let frustration build up!

The official process for this school year is “figuring it out as you go” therefore communication is key. Some parents might find it easier to brush frustrations under the rug or just deal with it, but you don’t have to do this alone.  Establish consistent communication with teachers, let them know how distance learning is going for you and your children. Be open and honest about the frustrations your family are experiencing, while being as specific as possible about the issues that need to be addressed.  Many educators are assuming things are fine unless they know otherwise.  Let them know and ask for help.  We are constantly surprised with the creative solutions and supports that schools are developing on an ongoing basis.  Many schools are now offering tutoring, testing centers, and break-out rooms for additional support.

When his foster parent told Jason’s teacher about his history and anxiety struggles, they worked together to figure out ways to help Jason cope with the challenges of virtual learning.  Jason expressed that taking breaks when feeling overwhelmed would help him calm down. Among other things, the teacher allowed Jason to ask for a video-off break by letting her know in the Zoom chat that he needed a break. She also did a break-out room during student work time, where the two of them could touch base privately.  It took one conversation to find a meaningful solution and made Jason feel cared for and supported.

Parents are kid’s best advocates, but you are also the best person to teach your kids how to advocate for themselves. Encourage your children to communicate with their teachers about their challenges and frustrations. Sometimes, a simple email can be all it takes to change the outlook for this virtual semester!

Mariah’s foster parent helped her to write an email to her teacher to share some of the technology challenges she was experiencing. The teacher showed incredible empathy and willingness to help improve Mariah’s situation. One of the little but powerful changes was that the teacher began to email the links to lessons before the class, that way Mariah would be able to access the material without being confused by the platform.  Mariah was also having difficulty with all of the reading that virtual learning entailed, while struggling with typing her answers in a timely manner. Her special education teacher was able to utilize CoWriter Universal and Snap & Read Universal for Mariah to use voice to text for writing, and now she can just click a button to have the text read to her.  These tools are available in many districts, you just need to ask.

Right now teachers don’t have the proximity necessary to read cues, warning signs, and learn other information to help enhance the educational experience/learning for the kids in their class. “I learned the most valuable information about my students after the bell rang,” Trish said. “I learned about their struggles, needs, and what really was going on with them.” It is essential, now more than ever, to keep open communication with teachers during this time. One parent scheduled a 15 minute Zoom meeting with her son and the teacher.  That short meeting changed everything by allowing the child to open up and show his emotion about how hard all of this was for him.  That one meeting really changed everything, and the teacher realized the importance of this private face-to-face time with this particular student.  They check in by zoom on a weekly basis one-to-one, which has helped the child feel cared for heard.

 A practical tip that has been successful for some of the families you support

Help kids figure out how to be more independent. Of course that’s going to vary according to their age and ability. It is easy to feel like the only way to help your kids get through the school day is to stay by their side. This expectation creates more stress for you, and honestly is not realistic.  olutely need your assistance, While there are times your kids might need your assistance, it is vital that you find ways to help them be as independent as possible.

A simple example that Trish has used with a few of her cases is helping parents create a checklist and visual schedule that kids can follow throughout the day. For example, you might have a checklist with steps to get started on the morning, a checklist for transitioning between classes, and a checklist for logging off for the day. Utilizing a timer on the computer can help as well. This might sound basic, but even this little bit of extra structure has really helped some families.

Working full-time from home, Mariah’s caregiver was really struggling to help her not feel defeated and follow along with the class. Besides talking with the teacher, checklists were extremely helpful to give Mariah a feeling of control and autonomy. Her foster mom now worries less worries about Mariah feeling lost; she is able to be in her home-office at work with less interruptions.

One of Trish’s favorite, quick-read articles she recommends to parents is 7 Ways To Get Kids To Actually Pay Attention During Remote Learning. These tips are very helpful and easy to implement.

 The most meaningful tip: Know that it is going to be ok!

You may feel that supporting your kid’s at-home education is impossible. That is because what you are doing is HARD WORK. And no matter how you feel, you are doing your best! Keep in mind that this arrangement is temporary. Nobody knows when, but it will come to an end. If you haven’t already, it is important to reset your expectations of having a perfect at-home education experience. You probably have figured out by now that some days are easier than others. But whatever you do, let go of guilt, and never ever feel bad about asking for help.

Check out our Back-to-School page for more resource.

*Names and pictures have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

At first meeting, you might mistake Jumyrian for shy and reserved, but give him a chance to get comfortable and he’ll surprise you with a larger than life personality! Witty and charming, this 14 year old is ready to share his humor with a family. In his down time, you’ll find Jumyrian perfecting his video gaming skills and getting lost in the world of anime. His favorite color is grey and his favorite food is shrimp; if given the chance, he could eat it every single day. At school, he studies hard and is currently in the eighth grade.

Jumyrian is a young man teeming with potential. He is kindhearted, capable, and has expressed that he is ready and excited to meet his forever family. A family that will help him grow, learn new skills, and give him the opportunity to try new things will be the best fit. Jumyrian is eligible for adoption subsidy.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Xavier had been separated from so many people- first from his parents at age nine and then from his two brothers as they were moved from placement to placement. He had already lived in six different foster homes and attended three different schools. But even as a sixteen-year-old who desperately wanted permanency and family, he could not call his foster placement home because his foster parents refused to adopt a child with a “gay lifestyle.”

Ebony knew that she was a girl since she was four years old, but none of her caretakers accepted this fact. Like many transgender youth, she struggled with depression, and her mother refused to take her back home from a mental health facility after a suicide attempt. Ebony’s first foster home refused to call her by her name and emotionally abused her when she tried to wear women’s clothes, so she ran away and slept on the streets.

How can we prevent stories such as these and instead provide loving homes for children like Xavier and Ebony? There are LGBT+ people in all parts of the child welfare system- clients, parents, foster parents, caseworkers, court employees, and of course the children themselves. We will discuss LGBT+ foster and adoptive parents in a later blog entry, but today we’ll focus on the welfare of LGBT+ children.

Before we begin, what exactly does “LGBT+” mean? These letters stand for “Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and many more.” Lesbian, gay, and bisexual people are attracted to members of their own gender. Transgender people live as members of a different gender than that which they were labeled at birth. For example, a doctor may declare “it’s a boy!” when someone is born, but that person could grow up knowing that she is a girl. It might take that transgender girl years or even decades to be in an environment where she can fully live and be recognized as her gender, but she is indeed a girl.

Caring about children in foster care requires caring about LGBT+ issues and needs. A 2018 study conducted in California found that 30.4% of youth aged 10-18 living in foster care identified as LGBT+, compared to the average rate of LGBT+ identification, which is 11.2%.[1] While 1-2% of the general population is transgender, 5.6% of youth in care were transgender, according to another study.[2] Sadly, LGBT+ youth are twice as likely as their peers to report being treated badly while in foster care, and on average they experience a greater number of disruptions.[3] In one study, 70% of LGBT+ youth who lived in group homes reported being physically assaulted, and 100% reported being verbally assaulted in group homes.[4]

Homelessness is also a huge concern for LGBT+ youth, especially those with involvement in the foster care system. To begin with, LGBT+ youth are 120% more likely to become homeless than their peers because of a lack of understanding and acceptance.[5] They may enter the foster care system for reasons of general neglect or abuse like any children, or they may enter the system due to homophobia and rejection from their caregivers. Four out of ten homeless youth identify as LGBT+,[6] and 56% of LGBT+ youth who were homeless after involvement in the foster care system said that they chose to live on the street because it felt safer than remaining in homophobic foster or group homes.[7] There is obviously a desperate need for more affirming homes for LGBT+ youth. We need to educate ourselves and become prepared to support our LGBT+ youth and make sure their placements are safe and supportive.

So what can we do to make youth feel safe and welcome? We don’t want or need to immediately ask personal questions about a youth’s sense of identity and attraction to others. We typically need to build relationships with youth and model acceptance before they are comfortable coming out to us. Even if your child isn’t LGBT+, your words and actions will help them be more accepting of LGBT+ people themselves and feel less bound by stereotypes about gender and relationships. Fortunately, there are simple actions you can take to make any youth feel safe and promote acceptance, whether your child identifies as LGBT+ or not.[8]

1. If you see anti-LGBT+ content or jokes, speak up and challenge them. It can be as small as softly making a suggestion like “wow, that sounds mean,” or “I bet that’s not really true of all lesbians.” If you remain silent, youth may assume that you agree with homophobic ideas and be scared to come out to you.
2. Use gender-neutral terms when asking about relationships. For example, you can ask a boy “are you seeing anybody?” instead of “do you have a girlfriend?”
3. Support youth in expressing their personal style and participating in activities, whether their chosen clothes or activities are typically male or female. If your child expressed interest in wearing makeup, take him to Walgreens and let him know that your home is a safe place to experiment in.
4. Require that your friends, family, and professionals treat your child with respect and inclusion. This lets the youth know that you are ready to be their champion, no matter what the rest of the world might think. If your daughter is being bullied at school because she’s a lesbian, be ready to talk to her teachers and principal to make sure she’s safe.
5. Talk about and provide access to materials about diverse people and history, whether LGBT+ or not. Here is a list of LGBT+ books for all different ages, and here is a short sampling of kids’ TV shows with LGBT+ characters.
6. Learn about LGBT+ history, terminology, and current events, especially any local LGBT+ news or topics. Share the cool things you learn with your child! If, for example, you comment on how great it is that LGBT+ friendly laws were passed in another state, your child will now know that you are accepting and supportive.
7. Foster a relationship where the youth feels comfortable talking to you about a variety of topics. The same trust required to help a child heal from trauma can open up conversations about gender identity and sexual orientation. To foster this trust, relate with your child in a PACEful way (full of Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy). To learn more about being PACEful, see our previous blog post about it.

As part of the Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition’s ongoing commitment to helping children in care, part of our 2018-2021 strategic plan seeks to tailor services to underserved populations such as LGBT+ youth.  To better serve our LQBTQ+ youth, we sought accreditation through the Human Rights Campaign’s All Children – All Families program. This program offers us education about best practices for working with LGBTQ+ youth and parents, opportunities for self-examination, and recognition for our inclusivity. On May, the Coalition was awarded the Building Foundation for Inclusion Tier of Recognition by Human Rights Campaign.

But of course, our work is not over. The Building Foundation for Inclusion level is a solid beginning from which we will continue to grow. We hope to embark on this journey with all of you alongside us.

Stay tuned for a later discussion of foster parents who are LGBT+!

If you want to learn more now about LGBT+ people and youth, here are some starting points:

• A large collection of resources for LGBT+ youth in care, caretakers of LGBT+ youth, and child welfare professionals: https://www.hrc.org/resources/all-children-all-families-additional-resources#For%20LGBTQ%20Parents
• A glossary of terms used here, as well as the rest of the LGBTQIA+ alphabet: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/glossary/
• LGBT+ current events, news, and culture: https://www.advocate.com/
• Six seasons of a podcast based on original interviews about the LGBT+ rights movement: https://makinggayhistory.com/

By Athena Kern

Pronouns: they/them/theirs

[1] “LGBTQ Youth in Unstable Housing and Foster Care,” by Laura Baams, PhD, Bianca D.M. Wilson, PhD, Stephen T. Russell, PhD. https://www.childrensrights.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/04/2019.02.12-LGBTQ-Youth-in-Unstable-Housing-and-Foster-Care.pdf

[2] “Safe Havens: Closing the Gap Between Recommended Practice and Reality for Transgender and Gender-Expansive Youth in Out-of-Home Care” by Christina Remlin, Esq, et. al. https://www.childrensrights.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/TGNC-Policy-Report_2017_final-web.pdf

[3] “All Children – All Families 2019 Report: Celebrating Everyday Change-Makers in Child Welfare” by the Human Rights Campaign Foundation. https://www.hrc.org/resources/celebrating-everyday-change-makers-in-child-welfare?_ga=2.154190586.31812917.1583442211-337742843.1579198214

[4] “LGBTQ Youth in the Foster Care System” by the Human Rights Campaign. https://www.hrc.org/resources/lgbt-youth-in-the-foster-care-system

[5] “Missed Opportunities: Youth Homelessness in America” by Chapin Hall at the University of Chicago. https://voicesofyouthcount.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/ChapinHall_VoYC_NationalReport_Final.pdf

[6]  “Safe Havens: Closing the Gap Between Recommended Practice and Reality for Transgender and Gender-Expansive Youth in Out-of-Home Care” by Christina Remlin, Esq, et. al. https://www.childrensrights.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/TGNC-Policy-Report_2017_final-web.pdf

[7] “CWLA Best Practice Guidelines,” by Shannan Wilber, et. al. https://familyproject.sfsu.edu/sites/default/files/bestpracticeslgbtyouth.pdf

[8] List adapted from “Supporting Your LGBTQ Youth: A Guide for Foster Parents,” by the Child Welfare Information Gateway. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/LGBTQyouth.pdf

During the pandemic our Extreme Recruitment® program has finalized 10 adoptions/guardianships! One of the biggest challenges faced by foster care professionals has been delayed adoption timeframes due to cancelled and postponed court hearings and generally slower communication. Adoption/guardianship day is the most important date for many of our children who have lingered in foster care for years and dream of being part of a forever family.

Sixteen year old Mateo, twelve year old Zoe, and five year old Lena came into care in 2015 when Lena was born exposed to heroin in utero. Years later, the siblings were still in foster care with no hope of returning home to their mother. What they needed was some creative thinking, a fierce advocate, and a little luck.

Angela, an Extreme Recruiter®, opened the case in 2018 to help find the siblings a forever family. Angela and her team were able to uncover several relatives that had lost touch with the children; some were even interested in providing placement. As Angela reconnected relatives with the children, she kept hearing the same thing; they wanted to be a part of the children’s lives but they wouldn’t be able to handle all three children on their own.

Angela made contact with an aunt, Sofia, who had placement of a fourth sibling, nineteen year old Camila. Sofia was interested in providing placement for the children, but as was the case with other relatives, she wasn’t sure she could do it alone. She contacted her sister and best friend, Mariana, who was elated at the thought of providing a permanent home for these children, but also worried she would need help. They wanted to work together to give their nephew and nieces a place to call home.

The team was reluctant to split the siblings between the aunts, but Angela knew this was the best way for the children to grow up with family and still have each other in their lives. Angela pushed the team tirelessly to move forward with Sofia and Mariana as adoptive parents for the children. In December 2018, Zoe and Lena moved in with Mariana while Mateo moved in with Sofia and Camila. As the aunts were always together, so were the kids.

The long awaited guardianship hearing was set for May 2020 but, due to COVID19, was postponed until July. To three kids who have spent five uncertain years- including Lena’s entire life – in the foster care system, a couple of months felt like a lifetime.

On July 9, 2020, Mateo, Lena, and Zoe finally found their forever family. The court even decided to let them all hold their hearing together and in-person as long as they practiced safe social distancing!

Acknowledging the systemic racism that hurts our kids and families is just the first step; injustice also demands action. Last week Coalition staff took 4-hours, an intentional block of time, to steward Diversity and Inclusion either personally or collectively with an activity of their choice.

In a time of pain, anger, confusion, grief, and thirst for change, the Coalition team showed up for each other as family. It was amazing to see everyone come together to listen, challenge, encourage, and empower each other. We are together in this journey to fight historical, structural racism, and yet, action looks different for each one of us.

We were so inspired by the staff’s individual and collective action, and we want to share it with you! Here is a compilation of some of their experiences. The staff shared how they spent this time and a quote or reflection that was meaningful for them.

Friday I participated in the Ladue protest with my colleagues, after doing lunch at the office. 

“Protesting is never a disturbance of peace.  Corruption, injustice, war, and intimidation are disturbances of peace.”  Bryant H. McGill. This is my purpose for participating in peaceful protesting. This experience was so inspiring and impactful.  All races were standing in solidarity, marching so that all races can be treated equally.  This isn’t just about race, but about humanity. 

Angela

I am a foster parent and all last week I was receiving some pretty devastating news regarding my kids’ case.  Between processing that information, all of our staff talks, talks I was having with family and friends about the racism in our country, and a medical emergency in my immediate family – by Friday I felt completely spent.  I wanted to continue the conversations with my coworkers and friends, I wanted to read books or listen to podcasts – but it was like my brain turned off.  So I used Friday afternoon to fill my cup.  I spent quality fun time with my kids, I spent time with my coworkers at our social distance BBQ, and had an extra meeting with my supervisor to process the week.  I know myself and know that I have to take time out to process my feelings so that I can come back stronger and ready to engage, instead of detached and emotionless. 

I spent time filling my cup so that I can continue to pour out to others, learn from them, and change in the ways I need to in order to be a part of creating a safe world for people of color.

Anna

I signed up to volunteer or work in policy research and operations in Missouri with the vision of the Action Center. Their goal is to register voters, write letters, and make phone calls to get people to the polls on Election Day.

 “A change is brought about because ordinary people do extraordinary things.” Barack Obama

Anonymous

I watched the documentary 13^th and started reading the book Waking Up White. It has been eye opening to learn more about the compounded impacts of racism over generations.

Barbara            

On Friday afternoon I sat down with a piece of paper, a few brushes and a palette of watercolors to paint a portrait of George Floyd. The next morning my wife, our two-year-old daughter and I met my sister and walked to the site where George Floyd was murdered.

I placed my painting next to the flowers and cardboard protest signs that ripple outwards from the storefront on 38th street in South Minneapolis where George Floyd drew his last breath.

Artists have a responsibility to bear witness. To help color in the blurry outlines of history. Because I have a two-year-old daughter to keep safe, and little recourse if my wife or I got sick with COVID-19, I can’t be where I want to be: on the streets of my community marching shoulder to shoulder with those seeking justice and reform. But I hope that by donating a watercolor in his memory, by sitting with the image of George Floyd and painting his face layer by layer, that I added to the collage of images and chorus of voices demanding change.

Billy

Early Friday I spent time with my work family before participating in the Ladue protest.

Cisely

I listened to the podcast Call Your Girlfriend, their most recent episode “Police Abolition.” I also read a couple of chapters on racism in the book Untamed by Glennon Doyle.

Over time I’ve learned about structural racism and how our current systems do consistent violence to BIPOC communities. This podcast episode included an interview with police and prison abolitionist Mariame Kaba. Her discussion of alternatives to policing and envisioning an alternative to our current system helped me to understand how a change in the status quo can happen and how it could benefit our communities. It helped me look at how our society and country can move beyond recognizing the problem into advocating for and implementing systems that aren’t rooted in oppression and violence.

Claire

I read more of the book White Fragility and watched the movie Just Mercy with my son and husband.

Denise

I was full of rage and knew I wanted to do something meaningful other than be full of fury and hatred, so I chose to protest with my colleagues in Ladue/Clayton, and I personally wanted to be with my colleagues. I needed them and their support to help ease some of the pain.

This time was meaningful in many ways. The agency actually took a stance on systemic racial inequalities, realized our foster children, foster families, adoptive children, and colleagues are hurting, and gave voice and opportunity for many forms of expression and many outlets without repercussions.

Edna

I watched 13^th (documentary) and started reading Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates.

I learned so much from 13^th about our history of “legalized slavery” through criminalization and our criminalization of a race that makes up 6% of our population but 40% of our prison population (statistics specific to black men). I really had no idea how our laws, politics, and policies created the system of mass incarceration and the deep ramifications of these practices for Black Americans.

Hannah                

I watched the documentary 13^th and the movie Just Mercy. Both the documentary and movie really opened my eyes to how little I knew about the ongoing injustices faced by Black people throughout history in the U.S.

Holly

I watched the movie Just Mercy and continued reading the book White Fragility.

Heather

I listened to the podcasts Code Switch and 1619.

Jaime

I read a few chapters of a book that I had started in the past called Waking Up White by Debby Irving.

One of the most meaningful parts of what I read, which ties in directly with the recent protests, as well as the discussions we’ve had as an agency, is the importance of LISTENING.

As stated in the book, Waking Up White, “Listening both to bear witness and to learn. We need a listening revolution! I recognize the immense value in making room for all to hear and be heard. Whether it is individuals listening one on one or events organized for purposes of collective listening, allowing people to define their own realities is a critical component of creating equity.”

Jan

On Friday I did several things:

• Watched Just Mercy with my husband (an attorney) and discussed.
• Listened to several podcasts, including:  The Kins-Women and Unlocking Us with Brené Brown and Ibram X. Kendi on “How to Be an Antiracist.”
• Conversation with my father-in-law.

Jo

On Friday, I watched Just Mercy and participated in a discussion with other people in St. Louis from a few different churches about structural racism, especially in regards to our justice system. I also started reading Malcolm X and began to do some research about racism in the history of my hometown in Union County, NC.

From Bryan Stevenson and Just Mercy, “The opposite of poverty is not wealth, it’s justice.”

Joel

I prepared a meal and served the FACC staff joining the protest and spent time with them. I started watching the ROOTS series.

“For it isn’t enough to talk about peace. One must believe in it. And it isn’t enough to believe in it. One must work at it.” Eleanor Roosevelt

Karen

I spent my time at a rally and also watching the documentary 13^th, which is painful and life changing. 

The rally was an incredible evening of prayer, testimony, and call to action! It was honest, heartfelt, brave and inspiring. I would expect nothing less. It was students, alumnae, teachers and administration joining together young and old to say: “No More!” My favorite quote was from a young alumnae that spoke:

“Your Black sisters don’t need you to stand behind us right now, in fact we don’t need you to walk side by side with us either. This is the time your sisters need you to stand in front of us in a wall and be our ally.”

Katie

I watched “Remember the Titans” with my boys and had some conversations about various scenes and how they relate to today. 

Kim

I attended the protest Thursday night in Brentwood and the protest Sunday afternoon. I also re-read The Case for Reparations by Ta-Nehisi Coates on The Atlantic, which, whether you agree with the concept of reparations for slavery or not, does an excellent job of outlining how the historical wrongs against African Americans did not end at slavery or even segregation.

It was incredible to see thousands of people turn out this weekend for peaceful protests throughout the city and county. It gave me hope that after Ferguson, the Stockley verdict, and years of injustice that never made the news, we might actually see change in our community. Walking beside my friends and coworkers at the protests helped re-energize me for what will undoubtedly be the long road ahead.

Kyle

I attended the Clayton Road protest in Frontenac. Attending this protest was very meaningful to me because I not only protested alongside my husband, but my coworkers, too. I have participated in many protests, but this was the first time I was marching with my coworkers. It was truly moving to see my coworkers be so passionate and endure miles of marching in high heat to fight for what we believe in.

Maddie

I protested in Brentwood and, at the suggestion of Rev. Starsky Wilson, began reading The Broken Heart of America. I need to learn more about structural racism, so that I can: 1) understand my part in it; and 2) create positive change.

Melanie

I spent my time listening to the podcast Code Switch, predominantly episodes about police killings involving race. I also participated in several conversations with relatives and friends about these issues and how to play out part in fixing that.

Michael

I was able to connect with my African American young professional groups and discuss what is going on right now, our emotions, and St. Louis actions being taken. We also designed posters for protests. One of the members is a historian so it was nice to have him really go through the history of oppression locally in the St. Louis region and connect it to national history. It was an open, honest, and raw conversation. I am glad I have a space like this to go to where I feel supported and heard.  

Natasha

I attended the protest on Friday evening in St. Peters. 

Nickie

My entire family went to two protests—one in St. Louis and one in St. Peters. I am no frontline protester, but when my 17 year old son said he wanted to go, frontline here we come.

Rossi

My husband and I went to the Kirkwood Protest/Peace Walk.  Our super-star volunteer Fonda told me about the protest, and I was excited that I might meet up with her and we could walk together and catch up.  It was my first protest ever.  I have plenty of political opinions but have always felt that protests never actually accomplished anything.  But for me this was different.  I wanted for African-Americans to see/hear/know that they have support from all communities – including us west county suburbia folks.  I’m committed to better understanding white privilege and racial injustice and figuring out ways I can fight against it.  I recruited 3 friends to walk with us, but did I run into Fonda?  Ha!  The protest was so HUGE, we estimated there were about 3,000 people there!  So I was a little disappointed that I didn’t run into Fonda, but much more happy for the tremendous turnout.  Fonda later told me that she (an African-American) was extremely moved to see such an outpouring of solidarity in her Kirkwood community.

Shelley

I thoroughly enjoyed the small amount of time just seeing a few faces of my coworkers on Friday. The meal prepared by Karen was awesome.

I also took a moment to begin planning my Juneteenth celebration to commemorate the official freedom date of slavery. Texas was the last state to receive word to free the slaves on June 19, 1865.  The focus of celebration is often about culture, family, and education.  Here is a little more info if you wanted to read up on it.

• https://www.juneteenth.com/history.htm
• https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/501680/12-things-you-might-not-know-about-juneteenth
• https://www.vox.com/identities/2018/6/19/17476482/juneteenth-holiday-emancipation-african-american-celebration-history
• https://www.nbcnews.com/news/nbcblk/9-things-know-about-history-juneteenth-n594546

Shonetta

I attended a webinar, “Protests and Privilege,” watched 13^th on Netflix, and started the book White Fragility by Robin Diangelo.

Summer

I spent my time reading Warmth of Other Suns (I read it a few weeks ago, but went back and reread the stuff I’d highlighted) and I started reading the book White Fragility.

Trish

I spent my time Friday on several different activities:

• I discussed the following topics with my 12 year old son…the Black Lives Matter movement, Redlining in St. Louis, how people build wealth and examples of how our family benefited while African American families could not. We read articles about Emmet Till and Trayvon Martin and discussed. We also discussed the history of racist thinking and behavior in our family and how it was passed down through the generations.
• I listened to a podcast on the Central Park Five.
• I listened to a podcast about Robert Ed and researched him and his story.
• I had a discussion with two different family members about my views on racism and the part that white people play in it.
• I read three articles on the history of St. Louis in relation to racism.

“A riot is the language of the unheard,” Martin Luther King

Veronica

I had the opportunity to join a zoom conversation with friends. As a group of foreign born individuals living in the USA, we shared about the different ways and resources we’ve used to learn about systemic injustice & racism, and discussed thoughts and ideas about proactive, lifelong allyship. We challenged each other to think about our spheres of influence and how we can use our skills and roles for the anti-racist cause. I also re-watched a conversation between Dr. Anita Phillips and Christine Caine titled Body Language: A Conversation on Race + Restoration and Christianity.  

Yanelis

Taking this time to actively steward diversity and inclusion is the first step of our pledge that this work will be ongoing. In the coming weeks, we will create a long-term plan outlining our goals toward fighting the historical, structural racism that is at the very heart of the foster care and adoption system. Because transparency is also a core value, we will share that plan with you.

We know that action looks different for everyone. As you look to take action in a way that is meaningful to you, we hope you find resources and inspiration in our stories.

Download Missouri P-EBT Flyer

Download Illinois P-EBT Flyer

Get $250-302 for Each School-Age Child to Spend on Food

Deadline for P-EBT: July 7 (Missouri) | July 15 (Illinois)

The State of Missouri and Illinois have created P-EBT to support the unforeseen burden of buying more food when normally children may have been fed at schools. This is a one-time payment to support eligible families. Don’t let this support pass you by, please share with other foster/adoptive families that may qualify.

Missouri residents click here to apply.

• Click here for application instructions

Illinois residents click here to apply.

Missouri Residents

What is P-EBT?

Pandemic Electronic Benefits Transfer (P-EBT) helps cover food costs for children who qualify for free or reduced lunch at school but are not in school due to the pandemic.

Who is Eligible?

You may be able to get P-EBT benefits if you have a child or children in grades Pre-Kindergarten through Grade 12 who would have received free or reduced price meals at school if schools were still open. You may also qualify based off your income. For example, if your child was not previously getting free or reduced-price meals but you have lost income, you may be able to get P-EBT benefits

Already Receiving SNAP Benefits?

If you currently receive food stamps, $302 per child will automatically be loaded onto your EBT card. Do NOT fill out the application.

How Much Will My Family Receive?

The amount of your P-EBT benefits will depend on your eligibility for those months. The maximum amount is $302 per eligible child, which includes: March – $57, April – $125, May – $120.

How Do I Apply for P-EBT?

• Complete the online application at emergencymealsurvey.com/MO
• OR Scan your completed and signed application, then email it to: FoodandNutritionServices@dese.mo.gov
• OR Mail your completed application to DESE Food and Nutrition Services 205 Jefferson Street P.O. Box 480 Jefferson City, MO 65102

How Do I Get the Benefits?

P-EBT benefits are loaded to an Electronic Benefits Transfer (EBT) card. If you received Food Stamp (SNAP) benefits in March, P-EBT benefits will be automatically loaded to your EBT card. You will not need to call or apply to get P-EBT.

If you did not receive Food Stamp (SNAP) benefits in March, you will need to apply for P-EBT. If you aren’t sure if you received SNAP benefits in March, you can check the status of your benefits to find out at apps.dss.mo.gov.

Illinois Residents

Need Help Buying Food for Your School Age Children?

Apply for P-EBT SNAP Benefts. This is a special beneft that can help you buy food for your school age children 3 to 17 years old and 18 to 22 years old (in high school), who would receive National School lunch Program free or educed-priced meals when schools are in session.

Already Receiving SNAP?

If you currently receive SNAP benefts, you DO NOT need to apply for P-EBT benefts. You are automatically eligible to receive these benefts. Your additional P-EBT benefts will be loaded into your Illinois LINK EBT account along with your regular SNAP benefts.

How Much Will My Family Receive?

The State of Illinois will calculate the amount on the card as $5.70 per day multiplied by the number of days the school was closed due to the COVID-19 pandemic. The total amount should be approximately $250-300 for each child.

But My Family is Not Receiving SNAP Benefts

Is This Benefit Based on Household Income/Resources/Citizenship? No, the only eligibility factor is that your child(ren) attend a school that participates in the National School Lunch Program and are eligible to receive free or reduced-priced meals when they are in school. For many schools, individual students qualify for free or reduced-price eligible meals. For other schools that participate in the in the Community Eligibility Provision(CEP), all enrolled students will qualify as meals are provided at no cost to the students. If you recently applied for free or reduced-price meals, P-EBT benefts will begin the month you become eligible.

How Do I Apply for P-EBT?

These instructions are for you to follow if you are not already receiving regular SNAP benefts.

• The most efficient way to apply is online at ABE.illinois.gov. If you apply online and include your Social Security Number (ifyou have one), it may help expedite the processing of your application for benefits; OR
• You can also complete a paper application by going to the IDHS website at dhs.state.il.us and email to DHS.FCS.PEBT@illinois.gov; OR
• Mail a completed paper application to: Central Scan Unit, P.O. Box 19138, Springfield, IL 62763-9138

How Do I Get My P-EBT Benefts?

You will receive a P-EBT LINK card in the mail with instructions on how to set up a PIN and use the card.

This week, our staff asked, “The Coalition turned on a dime for COVID-19, why haven’t we done the same for racism?”

George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery were murdered, and yet the Coalition was silent on the many ways systemic racism manifests in the lives of our staff and families. We did the same during Ferguson. We did the same after the Stockley verdict.

Difficult internal conversations this past week revealed to us that, by remaining silent, we made a mistake. We not only failed our African American staff, but our kids and families.

Many of the families we serve live in or near Ferguson. They know racism firsthand. Despite an African American population of only 30%, more than 70% of children in St. Louis foster care are black. While we live that disparity, we have never been explicit in our condemnation of its cause: systemic racism.

That changes today. We promise that change because it is what our kids, families, and staff deserve. It is what our community deserves. It is what our donors and volunteers deserve.

So let us be clear: Black Lives Matter. As we begin to truly live that statement, we will be guided by our following core values:

Diversity
We celebrate differences and harness the power that diversity brings. Every viewpoint is heard and honored. We are stronger because of our differences.

Equity
We insist on fairness and respect. We are deliberate in ensuring everyone has safety, opportunity, access, and support to be heard.

Inclusion
We respect, leverage, and engage everyone’s unique strengths and talents so each individual can contribute to their full potential.

Family
We are family. We are connected and support one another in meeting the needs of our own families and the families we serve. We assume the best and are committed to each other.

But acknowledgement is only the first step. After that comes action. This Friday, our staff will take time to actively steward diversity and inclusion. What does that mean? For some staff, it will mean joining the protests. For others, it will mean educating themselves or their family and friends about the very real race issues our country and community face and have been silent about too long. Other staff will start difficult but necessary conversations with their children about racism. Others who have been unjustly and racially targeted may just take time to rest.

With our eyes now fully open, we pledge to you that this work will be ongoing. In the coming weeks, we will create a long-term plan outlining our goals toward fighting the historical, structural racism that is at the very heart of the foster care and adoption system. Because transparency is also a core value, we will share with you that plan.

We invite you to take this journey with us. The Coalition is a movement of diverse individuals united in a shared vision of a home for every child in foster care. That diversity is our greatest strength, and we will lean on this strength as we build a better version of ourselves.

In light of the most recent outcry for justice for the African American community, the Coalition recently shared with our foster and adoptive community this reflection on how to talk to your children about racism in these tragic times.

Horrific events like the death of Mr. George Floyd force us to confront the ever-present racial injustices in our society. This is an issue especially close to our hearts because of the racial disproportionality in foster care. Nationwide, 33% of children in foster care are African-American even though they make up only 15% of the population. In St. Louis, the disparity is even more drastic. While less than 30% of St. Louis City and County’s combined population is black, black children account for more than 70% of our local foster care population. Our families face the reality of racial injustice every day.

These times also open up necessary conversations about racism and justice. If you are looking for a place to start, we leave this reflection for you.

Talking to your children about racism in these tragic times

We are the mothers, fathers, and caregivers of beautiful young African American children. As we cherish all of their smiles, quirks, and the brilliance they exude, we know that in today’s America, this cuteness will one day fade and the question we all ask is, “When will the world picture my baby as a threat instead of the wonderful child I’ve loved and raised?”

Please know you have every right to feel sad, angry, discouraged, exhausted, and numb with grief. As much as you are trying to process the tragic situation regarding Minneapolis resident, Mr. George Floyd—and others, including Ahmaud Arbrey, Breonna Taylor, and Christian Cooper—your children are, too. During this, they are growing and learning how to be an adult, what’s appropriate, and how to manage this ongoing fear as a person of color. Where do we go from here? At a time when we are lost for what action we can take, as a caregiver of any race caring for a person of color, here are things you can do to affirm their life and culture.

Hope in the Dark

Although we are engulfed in rage and sadness right now, there is still hope, there are still allies, there are still caregivers willing to learn more, and there is still one very important thing—– time. The time to use your voice is now, the time to talk to your children is now, the time to provide empathy and comfort is now, but most important the time to listen to those who this is directly affecting, people of color, is now. We have seen during COVID-19 we can come together and care for one another past their skin color, economic status, geography, and gender.

The most important thing we must do now is rise together.

The Importance of Conversation

Transracially adopted African American children are more likely to experience more dramatic transitions. Luckily, many transracial programs and additions have been made to the foster/adoptive process to address this active interest and how it shapes one’s relationship and life with their child. Although we cannot provide you an overall right answer we can suggest steps you can take immediately within your home:

1. Have a Conversation – I use the word conversation intentionally because after this conversation has been had, understand that it’s forever developing and the door must remain open for you to be a supportive parent and ally. Children learn from experiences and observation, the way you move, react to situations is how they see fit to react. As parents and caregivers, we need to acknowledge our children are becoming less protected as they grow and need to understand the world outside of their homes. That includes how you act in response to situations.
2. Let them embrace their diversity and learn from those living it every day. Let them see in their own family their color is respected, honored, and each member values their input and are open to being educated about their culture and lived experiences. It’s also important to work against the negative that harms them by being an ally and let them never guess if you are standing with them.
3. Get Educated & Don’t be afraid to reach out for help whether it be a family member, trusted friend, or therapist of a minority. It’s okay to ask for help and support when you don’t know how to navigate the situations because you have not lived it before.
4. Understand although the wounds may heal, the scar is left. Coping is ongoing until there is a radical change and acceptance this is and will be an emotional weight your children and you have to carry.

Further Reading

• https://ctcwcs.com/talking-with-children-about-racism-and-bias/
• https://medium.com/@realtalkwocandallies/white-parents-heres-how-to-start-talking-to-your-children-about-race-321eae4d1095
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/culturally-speaking/201607/proactively-coping-racism

The sole reason we are able to be innovative is because of the investments of forward-thinking, dedicated individuals that care about the welfare of our children. Today, we give tribute to John Kuntemeier, who passed away in February. John was a dedicated Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) Volunteer who throughout his life was an advocate for many children in the St. Louis area. Working alongside our staff, John continued to go above and beyond to understand the child welfare system.

John understood children will always need a place to call home, and his legacy will forever be a testament and promise that every child deserves to grow up with a family. We are forever grateful to John and his loving family for their generosity to the Coalition’s Now & Forever Campaign. Please know, John continues to live on through every case closure, every connection to a family member, and every time a child finally finds their place to call home. Thank you.

Stories of John from Our Staff

Several years ago, John took it upon himself to research and locate a local STARS training. This is when he first found the Coalition. Connie and I were trainers for the foster parents at the time; he called and asked if he could attend. At the time, John was a CASA volunteer, appointed to a case that one of our Coalition staff members worked on. Initially, I questioned his motivation for attending because the class was on Saturday mornings for 9 weeks! His response was, “I am trying to do everything I can to understand the child welfare system, specifically, what resource parents were ’taught’ in STARS.” He was lovely to have in class and a great participant. His advocacy and dedication to the children of St. Louis will be deeply missed. – Nickie Steinhoff, Chief Strategy Officer

I worked with John on a 30 Days to Family® case when the children we were serving first entered care. I could tell immediately that he was taking his role as the children’s CASA very seriously.He would call me regularly to try to learn about the system and how it functioned. I told him that he could look into taking a foster parent training class, not to become a foster parent, but to better understand the system and serve the children. Next thing I knew, he was signed up for a STARS class at the Coalition. Throughout the case, I was able to watch him grow both as an advocate and as a person. The children he was serving changed him, and it was clear that he came to love them very deeply. I kept up with John and the children through the years and was always glad to know that he was still involved with them. He was a sweet and kind person. – Kelly Sullivan, Project SOAR

John was a Court Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) on a case with two siblings I was recruiting for adoption. Mr. John took his role seriously. He worked effortlessly at building a solid relationship with the siblings and taking the time to get to know them individually. It was important to him that he learned their unique personalities, as well as understood their trauma. Mr. John was a straightforward and persistent man – useful qualities to have when you are advocating permanency for older teens. The older teens on John’s case had the challenges of multiple placements and being in foster care for a long period of time. Unfortunately, older teens are the most vulnerable population and the hardest to find adoptive families for. Mr. John made it his business to learn the foster care system. Because he understood the importance of Family Support Team Meetings, he participated in person until he was too ill to travel and later by phone. He was committed and dedicated and provided a great listening ear to the youth he served. It was Mr. John’s mission to encourage, support, and celebrate all the youth he served. He never wanted to miss any achieved milestones, including school events, graduations, and extracurricular activities. – Edna Green, Wendy’s Wonderful Kids, Extreme Recruiter

Seriously, please, please, please tell me I am not alone. That I have not gone completely off the deep end. That at least someone else is as confused, frustrated, morally-torn, and exhausted as I, trying to figure out where we are at with all of this?

Triple this if you are parenting, Quadruple it if you are fostering and Quintuple it if you have teens. You can’t even agree what to have for dinner much less if it is okay to do whatever is being asked of you to give consent to in that moment. Oh yeah, I see you from here…shaking your head, slapping your forehead, looking at the ceiling, wanting to scream (but doing so only in your head), “You think you are the only one who wants to get out of here and run around freely???” Kid, give me a break!!!

To help ride this out, take some time to figure out what your values/boundaries are around all of this. What does your family believe is safe? What boundaries has your family established for itself and the community? What are the expectations and why? Rules without reasons are just a means of control. Reasons give a sense of purpose, a sense of a greater belonging. Have a discussion so that your decisions do not appear arbitrary or inconsistent. Be prepared to listen, validate the difficult feelings that will accompany restrictions, negotiate when possible and use creativity liberally! Let the youth come up with compromises whenever possible as well.

A word of caution, if you are fostering, you may want to use the words “Family Values” carefully when discussing the situation. “Boundaries” may be a better choice of words. Family Values could present a powerful loyalty/comparative struggle for the youth between the biological family values and your own which in most cases will be painful and unproductive. Your Home can have Boundaries much the same as your Family can have Values.

So, now back to some relief from all of this………
My mind recently wandered to the Clash, who has been asking this since 1982:
Should I stay or should I go now?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go there will be trouble,
And if I stay it will be double.

No help! If the 80’s music didn’t hold the answer, what could?? I was totally at a loss until I came across this video on YouTube. What a RELIEF!!!!! Finally, the ANSWER I, and I think millions of others, have been waiting for! I give you… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVs5AyjzwRM

Peace, people. Go relax. We’ve got this all figured out.

-Anne Zink, Director of Family Works

“That Discomfort You’re Feeling is Grief”

by Scott Berinato and published by the Harvard Business Review

Link to article.

As an introduction to next Thursday’s video, “Why Do I Want to Stop, Drop and Roll (into a Ball and Back Under the Covers?”), this article, suggested by a fellow foster parent, really lays the ground work for what many of us (okay all us) are experiencing. Often under-looked (not overlooked because we don’t even see it), are the losses and griefs associated with the Covid-19 challenge experienced by us all, collectively and individually. While not often recognized and even less often discussed aloud, this situation we find ourselves in (with no advanced warning or training manual!) is impacting our most important and intimate relationships as well as our relationship with ourselves. And this matters, now and long into the future.

In the article, Berinato interviews David Kessler, the world’s foremost expert on grief who has worked extensively with Elizabeth Ku¨bler-Ross and is the founder of www.grief.com. He addressed different types of loss and grief, stages and progression and uniqueness to the grief associated with the Covid-19 situation and a couple of ideas to begin understanding and managing the thoughts and feelings you may be experiencing.

In next Thursday’s video, I will be building off of Kessler’s article, drawing down to some specific situations that are more likely impacting foster and adoptive families with children who have experienced other personal and painful losses. We will look at how that history may be complicating your home life during this already confusing and upended time and ways to help navigate and soften the impact for everyone in your home.

Anne Zink joined the Coalition in 2015 as the Director of Family Support. She manages the Family Works Program. Anne has 35 years of experience. Her certifications include: Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training (ASIST), Triple P® Positive Parenting Trainer, Batterer’s Intervention Trainer, Training for Adoption Competency (TAC), STARS Trainer, and Nurturing Parenting Program™ Trainer.

“Every kid needs a family. This, we know. We know it when we look at our own children and think about our dreams for them. We know it in our hearts, in our bones and from our own stories. Whether “family” means a mother and father, a single parent, a beloved aunt or uncle, a grandparent or a caring foster or adoptive family, this bond gives meaning to our successes, cushions our hardships and allows us to be most ourselves. A family loves us at our worst and summons our best when nothing else will. A family provides a compass from birth to death. It is the definition of home.”

 – The Anne E. Casey Foundation, Every Kid Needs A Family

Crises like COVID-19 help put into perspective what we need the most for our well-being. This pandemic shook up our world, disrupting our daily routines, threatening our sense of security, and wiping out our best-laid plans. In a matter of a few days, all our attention shifted to #StayHomeSaveLives, unveiling an unavoidable, deeper appreciation for the importance of having a safe home – a place where we can shelter, physically and emotionally, during this hardship.

The pandemic also put the spotlight on the value of having a supportive community, to seek comfort in and fall back on during tough days. We have seen this through the generosity of neighbors who help each other, the creativity of our teachers and school staff, and of foster, adoptive, and guardianship parents, who are the front-line of our foster care community during this crisis.

This difficult time has taught us that a safe home is only possible when we are surrounded by a supportive and loving family. The comfort, connection, and care that a family provides has been critical to our well-being through this time.

This crisis is uncharted territory. Fear, discomfort, and anxiety are more common than ever. Sadly, for children impacted by foster care, these feelings are not the exception, but the rule. It is essential, then, to connect children to their most basic need: family; a place where they can feel safe, loved, and connected, a home where they can be themselves and find the space to heal from trauma.

But thanks to the investment of countless volunteers, donors, advocates, and, of course, foster, adoptive, and guardianship parents, we are more prepared for this crisis than any in our history. For 30 years, our groundbreaking programs have found and supported families for the most vulnerable kids in foster care. Here are just a few of the stories your support over the years has made possible:

For those of you who are able, the Coalition is asking all our supporters to help us meet our goal of raising $120,000 on Give STL Day (Thursday, May 7^th) so no child has to grow up in the uncertainty of foster care. Every year, your generous has put us in the top three charities on this city-wide day of giving. This year, our community needs you more than ever, you can help our kids and families reach the top.

Thank you for supporting the Coalition. Thank you for being a part of our family.

Howard (13) and Rondalynn (6) are siblings looking for their forever family. These siblings love to sing and dance in the car and often make up their own version to songs. Howard will sing a line to Rondalynn and she tries her best to keep up with him. To annoy her brother, Rondalynn often requests “Old Town Road” on repeat since she knows all the words. Despite frequent joking and making fun of each other, it is clear these sibling are bonded. Howard is always looking out for his sister, often helping her order food, clean up messes, and buckle into the car. He recently told Rondalynn that when he is an adult, he will take care of her. We hope to locate a home to allow these siblings to grow together.

Howard is goofy and loves to laugh. He tends to harden himself to new people until he is comfortable but break down that wall, and you are going to meet an amazing young man. He is honest and open about his life experiences, and will tell you exactly what he wants for himself and his little sister. Howard enjoys sports, video games, and coding on the computer.

Rondalynn is a typical six year old with an enormous amount of energy. She loves the color pink and purple, going to school, visiting her brother, and eating snacks. Rondalynn attaches easily to those she meets, making friends easily. Rondalynn loves showing off her cartwheels and gymnastics would be a great opportunity to get some energy out.

https://www.ksdk.com/article/entertainment/television/show-me-st-louis/placetocallhometopgolf/63-5a9b46c9-816f-46f9-896a-8779cf11c3e9

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Samantha Fisher – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e samanthafisher@foster-adopt.org 

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

We know that the coronavirus (COVID-19) continues to be top of mind for many of you – just as it is for all of us here at Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition. As a Coalition, we rely on all of you to carry out our mission. As such, we want to share our plan to continue to serve kids, support families, and keep our Coalition family safe.

Our office and Refresh are in a Work from Home mode to ensure social distancing guidelines. However, our work will not stop. Coalition staff will still open new cases, conduct virtual trainings, field advocacy calls, and respond to the needs of the families we serve.

Our voicemail will continue to be checked hourly as we anticipate the support needs of many families to increase as schools close and children spend more time in the home. Families will receive further notifications about scheduled trainings and support groups. We will provide remote options for these services, complemented by direct outreach from our team of family support experts.

We hope that you, your coworkers, your families, and your communities place your health and well-being first and foremost. You are all in our thoughts.

In the coming weeks, the parents and professionals who make up this Coalition will, in a thousand small ways, display the courage it has always taken to do this work and do it well. The presence of a pandemic will not stop them from finding families for children, nor will it diminish the numerous ways they help kids heal from trauma. It will, however, make their abundance of creativity and commitment shine brighter.

Their achievements are yours to celebrate as well. Whether you have been here since our founding during the crack cocaine epidemic, our struggle through the Great Recession, or our recent fight against the smoldering opioid crisis, you are part of a movement born in adversity but not defined by it. In the coming weeks, you’ll hear amazing stories of children who find a place to call home. We hope they mean as much to you as they mean to us.

In the next week, we will share concrete steps you can take to help children and families impacted by foster care. But know that we are only able to respond to this crisis with agility, intention, and strategy because you have invested in this work. The Coalition is only able to fulfill our necessary role in the community because of you.

Thank you for being a part of our family. Thank you for caring about our kids.

-Melanie Scheetz, Executive Director

Ashley is an outgoing and considerate 12-year-old girl. She is a social butterfly and can make anyone smile. Ashley is talkative and friendly and loves spending time with people. Ashley’s talents include gymnastics, swimming, and being a Netflix connoisseur.

All family types will be considered for Ashley. Ashley is quite the people-person and envisions being part of a family, even a large one!

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Maddie Bobbitt – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e maddiebobbitt@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Amira is 7 years old and will quickly tell you she is the oldest between her and younger brother Amir, she is described as a social butterfly, with a bubbling personality, she loves being active, outdoors, gymnastics, swimming, very animated and expressive, give her a microphone with a platform! Amira loves school she catches on very quickly, likes to work independently, and is eager to help brother Amir with class work.

Twin brother Amir is very affectionate, and he is a thinker, loves school and does well with math, when he comes home from school he will tell you about his day at school and proudly display his point sheet for the day. Amir favorite pastime is playing with puzzles and Legos, he is extremely proud when he completes a puzzle and with a puff out chest displays his latest Lego project, with his Legos he can make an airplane, truck, and car, a hard thinker is Amir.

Amira and Amir loves each other they both need a family that will continue to allow them to blossom into adult hood, a family that will continue to support Amira with her love of being active inside and outside, and a family that is affectionate and will help Amir explore his love of imagination and thinking.

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Samantha Fisher – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e samanthafisher@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Late one winter night in 2008, 7-year-old Tarah* and 8-year-old Anthony came into foster care because their mom was addicted to heroin and struggled with mental illness. They were immediately split up and placed with strangers.

Their caseworker was brand new. She tried to contact relatives but found fewer than 10.  With no known father, she felt she’d reached a dead end.

Out of options, the caseworker turned to Extreme Recruitment®, a daring new program to find forever families for the toughest-to-place children in foster care. She reached out to the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition and met Edna, who was pioneering the groundbreaking Extreme Recruitment® model.

In short order, Edna doubled the number of potential relatives to take in the siblings.  Then she doubled it again! Soon, she had created a burgeoning family tree and found a cousin who would consider adoption. Things were looking up for the children and Tarah and Anthony began to see a way out of foster care.

Soon after, the children’s mother died of an overdose. Even though their life with her was far from perfect, the news devastated the children. Adoption became more important than ever.

Edna had identified a long list of relatives willing to be involved in the children’s lives. But a few weeks later at Tarah’s next court appearance, tragedy struck. Each of the children’s foster parents refused visits with the prospective adoptive relatives. They convinced the judge that the kids were better off aging out of foster care rather than finding a forever home.

The die was cast, and Edna was not allowed to present evidence that healthy, alternative options were possible. Not only was Edna off the case, she was not even allowed to say goodbye to the children.

After 10 years with no news, Edna received a call from a colleague with the terrible news that Anthony was in prison. Edna’s stomach turned. She asked about Tarah.

As is the case with too many children relegated to foster care, Tarah and her brother were eventually kicked out of their foster homes and began the heartbreaking shuffle from foster home to foster home, from school to school.

Tarah had grown desperate. She was 17 years old and still trying to find someone to adopt her.

Edna was quickly reinvited onto the case. She met Tarah at a restaurant, seeing Tarah sitting at a table by herself.  Edna told Tarah how troubled she remained about not being able to say goodbye years before. She told Tarah that she never stopped thinking about her and her brother.

The situation was dire. More than half of Tarah’s life had been spent in foster care.  Nearing 18 years old and struggling in school, Tarah was considered “unadoptable” by many agencies.

It took Edna two weeks to find an aunt, Patricia, who was willing to consider adopting Tarah.

Under the caring guidance of her aunt and the behind-the-scenes workings of the Coalition’s Educational Advocacy team, Tarah attended summer school.  She became a straight-A student and a cheerleader. Her coworkers at her part-time job loved her.

The Coalition helped the new family adjust and thrive. We facilitated difficult conversations about living with past trauma, setting boundaries and expectations. We brought cutting-edge, trauma-informed parenting techniques into their home, and helped them apply these techniques in real-life situations.

Though Tarah regained her life and future, she ached for her brother, whom she hadn’t seen since his arrest years prior.  Anthony represented something essential:  the last person alive to know Tarah since birth. After all, sibling relationships are the longest-lasting a child will ever have.

Due to the sensitivity of the situation, a reunion took Edna weeks of delicate negotiations. Finally the day arrived and Aunt Patricia took Tarah to the prison. Tarah worried that if only she had helped Anthony believe they would one day find a forever family, that maybe he wouldn’t be in prison.  She wished she could have helped him keep his hope, helped him hang on a little longer.

Today, Tarah talks about her adoption day the way most people recall their wedding, or the birth of a child. She always knew she was worthy of a family. She never gave up hope.

In 2011, before this work was supported in our community, Edna was removed from seven cases by foster parents, judges, and caseworkers who didn’t see the value in what she did. Since then, Edna has created 46 adoptions for our community’s most vulnerable children, including sibling groups, older youth, and kids with special needs. In 2016, Edna was named “outstanding Adoption Specialist of the Year” by the nationally-renowned Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. She has not been removed from a case in years.

*Names and pictures have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

“In short order, Edna doubled the number of potential relatives to take in the siblings. Then she doubled it again.”

“All you need is love” and “skin color doesn’t make a difference.” We hear these comments all the time in conversations about transracial parenting. While people say these with the best intentions, they can become a barrier to engaging in deeper thinking, self-evaluation, and conversations around the complexities of transracial families. These conversations can have an immeasurable positive impact in relationships within transracial families, as well as in children’s development, identity, and wellbeing.

Transracial foster care and adoption placements are very common¹. One of the reasons for this is the racial disproportionality within the system. As of 2017, thirty-three percent of children in foster care were African-American even though they make up only 15 percent of the population². On a local level, the disparity is even more drastic. While less than 30% of St. Louis City and County’s combined population is black, black children account for more than 70% of our local foster care population³. Although transracial placements are safe and appropriate, children still face challenges such as struggling with feeling different and isolated, developing a positive identity, and experiencing racial discrimination¹.

The Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition held the newly created Transracial Parenting training in December 2019. We had a conversation with Connie Chrisman, one of our Family Development Specialists for the Dennis and Judy Jones Family Foundation Foster Care and Adoption Program, who shared about the training goals and its importance to our community.

YC: How did the Transracial Parenting training come about?

CC: We knew we needed this training for a long time, it was even included in the Coalition’s latest strategic plan. The STARS training provides a short overview on the topic but left our families with many unanswered questions and feeling underprepared for the relationship. It became clear to the staff that the transracial parenting conversation needed to move beyond skin care and hair care products (which are important things to know about), to deeper, honest talks about self-identity and racial identity in our society, and how it impacts transracial families. It was imperative for us to expand the existing curriculum to fulfill this need. This training is based on materials and learnings from previous Coalition diversity trainings, conversations with diversity training expert Aaron Layton, as well as seeking out audiovisual resources and using the staff’s lived experiences with transracial parenting.

YC: What are the main goals of this training?

CC: We expanded the curriculum to address two main areas: 1) Open people’s eyes to bias and racism by creating a non-defensive environment to have conversations about topics like white privilege, implicit bias, need for diversity, and cultural awareness. These can be difficult conversations, but provide parents with a space for self-reflection, asking questions, and being vulnerable about the topic. 2) Provide parents with practical knowledge and skills to navigate situations and conversations that they might encounter with family members, communities, or strangers. Inevitably, people will ask questions and make comments that, intentionally or unintentionally, can be confusing or harmful to the identity of our children and the family. No amount of training will fully prepare families for these experiences. However, we hope they will feel more confident when responding in these circumstances.

Through the training we also strive to connect them to community resources available to support transracial families. These include bookstores, theaters, and other organizations that help parents provide their children with an environment that will affirm their racial identity.

YC: What are some the big takeaways for parents?

CC: Colorblindness is sometimes confused with trying to show children unconditional love- but it does the opposite: colorblindness denies a child who they are and who they are meant to be. The truth is that we have never had the lived experience of being of their race, and never will. It is important that as parents we teach our children how race impacts families and themselves, and have long-term competencies to face and fight against discrimination and racism. Our children will grow up and move away from our protection, they need to be as equipped as possible to navigate these challenges.

YC: Any words of wisdom for parents of transracial families?

CC: For parents, it takes self-evaluation and vulnerability to ask for help. Just because we can’t meet all of our children’s cultural needs, it doesn’t mean we don’t know them/love them. One of the ways we show our love is by not becoming complacent parents, and continue to find new and creative ways to meet their needs according to their developmental stage.

Some practical ways transracial families can find support include seeking out events, family groups, and building a diverse group of friends. Most importantly, as parents, we need to become advocates, speak up, and have conversations. This can be done in different ways; not everybody is a public demonstrator, but you can vote for policy and individuals that support diversity and inclusion, educate your friends, and engage in difficult conversations with grace and respect.

Sources

¹  Fostering Perspectives (November, 2015). Parenting a Child of a Different Race http://fosteringperspectives.org/fpv20n1/Deese.htm

²NCSL (2017). Disproportionality and Disparity in Child Welfare

https://www.ncsl.org/research/human-services/disproportionality-and-disparity-in-child-welfare.aspx

³Missouri’s Fostering Court Improvement Database

“Colorblindness is sometimes confused with trying to show children unconditional love- but it does the opposite: colorblindness denies a child who they are and who they are meant to be.”

Davonte is a fun, curious 12 year old who loves all things Basketball.  He loves and is good with animals, especially dogs.  Davonte likes to build things, and he is an easy child to have fun with.  Davonte is always observing his surroundings, and although he can be reserved at times, he comes out of his shell when he senses someone’s authenticity.  Davonte likes to be active, but he also enjoys good conversation with those he cares about.  Davonte is kind hearted, thoughtful, and sweet.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

December 04, 2019 – St. Louis, Missouri – Ian Forber-Pratt, a Distinguished Alumnus from the Brown School at Washington University in St. Louis and a graduate from Principia College, and his team have received a grant from a private donor to formally launch the Institute for Child Welfare Innovation. The Institute is a spin-off 501c3 from the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition in St Louis, Missouri.

Download the press release.

The Institute will work nationally on three things: 1. replicate and scale programs for the most vulnerable of children, 2. bring together practitioners to learn from each other, and 3. bridge the gaps between policy and practice in the child welfare field. The Institute’s vision is to see a child welfare system that is kind, efficient, collaborative, evidence-based and centered on children & family well-being.

With a plan to quickly expand the team, the Institute will launch with Ms. Melanie Moredock, Director of Program Replication and Mr. Patrick Pisani, Assistant Director of Program Replication.

“After a decade of work in global child protection, I am grateful to join hands with others as the United States completely re-boots the child welfare system” – Ian Forber-Pratt, Executive Director, Institute for Child Welfare Innovation

The idea for the Institute originated with the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition, a 30 year old St. Louis-based organization helping children in foster care find permanency. For eight years, the Coalition’s 30 Days to Family® program had successfully placed kids with families, with substantial cost savings to taxpayers.

As sites across the nation expressed interest in replicating our program, the opportunity for scale outgrew the Coalition’s mission to serve families in St. Louis; we were at a positive impasse. After exhaustive research we decided to launch a separate independent entity that will give greater longevity, and impact, spreading positive and intentional innovation in the child welfare field. – Melanie Scheetz, Executive Director, Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition

The Institute’s office is located at 1750 S Brentwood Blvd., Suite 210. St Louis, MO 63144.

Reach Ian at ian@instituteforchildwelfare.org or +1.314.367.8373 or stopping by to visit!

We were thrilled at the outpouring of interest in our last blog post: Why Traditional Parenting Fails Children with Trauma. In that post, our Director of Family Works, Anne Zink, discussed Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP), the only evidence-informed therapy for children with complex trauma between the ages of 2-21.

As Anne discussed in the last post, DDP is not just a therapeutic model, it’s a way of being. DDP uses the principles of “PACE,” which stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy. Staying PACEful is key to building trust and openness in our relationships with children who have trauma and attachment issues.

The number one question we received after Anne’s blog was, “This sounds great, but how do I actually do this?” To answer that question and dig deeper into what this model looks like in practice, I sat down with Anne the other day to learn more about how we can be PACEful in our daily lives.

Kyle: How long has your team been working with the DDP model?

Anne: It’s been about two and a half years now. The entire Family Works team is fully certified in DDP Levels 1 & 2. Knowing that children need to grieve beyond weekly 50 minute therapy sessions, we wanted to infuse the model into their everyday lives by empowering their parents and caregivers with the foundations of DDP. We adapted the DDP clinical intervention model, which revolves around a therapist working with the parents and child, and reoriented it so that we’re coaching the parent to be the center of the child’s healing on a 24/7/365 basis. Dr. Dan Hughes, who developed the model, actually helped us redesign Family Works to be DDP-informed. While in St. Louis providing us with a training, Dr. Hughes spent a few hours with Family Works going over our program model, really talking through our ideas and clarifying our questions. Receiving his endorsement and validation told us we were on the right path.

Kyle: So how much of a shift is this for your team? Is it a major change from models they might have been trained on or used previously?

Anne: It’s night and day. But the reasons people reach out to us for help are always the same. Human beings want relief. Every family our team works with is, by definition, struggling. And when you get into a struggling family that wants relief, the first thing they want is for the behavior to stop. The behavior could be anything, but it’s bad, and they want it to stop. They have most often decided the only way forward is for the child to change, to change quickly, and for an outside professional to come in and work “magic.”

The old way of doing business (and the way many programs continue to operate) can make behaviors stop and stop quickly.  These methods use behavior reinforcement, consequences and punishments. These interventions will make behaviors go away for a short while; however, they will return with a vengeance because the cause of the behavior has not been addressed; it has only been suppressed. The insight DDP brings is that changing behavior does not change the child’s pain (shame, humiliation, powerlessness, loss, fear…), and their pain is what necessitates their behavior.

In fact, when we punish a child who has complex, developmental trauma, we suppress their problematic behaviors at the expense of our relationship with them. They developed those behaviors to protect themselves emotionally and physically. It’s no wonder children and caregivers see their relationships deteriorate when we strip those protective behaviors away before they’ve healed. The parents/caregivers do not feel respected or effective and the children do not feel safe.  DDP is about healing trauma through relationships, so, first and foremost, any intervention that used behavior modification techniques had to be eliminated from the program.

Kyle: These negative behaviors are a symptom of trauma, so behavior modification is just treating the symptom. How does DDP and being PACEful get us beyond that?

Anne: DDP works on creating a safe relationship that can become the foundation for healing. One of the things Dr. Hughes talks about is experiencing and expressing delight in your child. Do they know you think they’re funny? Do they feel unique? Have you lost sight of all that is wondrous about them?  We often slip into parenting as policing – focusing on catching children doing wrong and correcting them. To be PACEful is to catch them doing right. Parent in the positive. The families struggling the most are those who have been fighting against one another for months or even years. They view each other as antagonists. There’s so much resentment. Dr. Hughes and Dr. Baylin refer to this as blocked care; both sides have essentially checked out of the relationship.

Kyle: That sounds insurmountable, honestly. How do you unblock care?

Anne: First, we focus on the parent, not the child. We wrap them in support and validation, acknowledging just how hard and painful it’s been, how hopeless they may feel. It feels like failing as a parent. It feels so lonely. We help them understand how they got to that place, to accept it is not a moral failing but a natural human response to repeated rejections and hurts presented by the child.  When they believe we are not judging them and they understand we do know how bad it truly has been, we start to build hope. We’re as PACEful with the parent as we will teach them to be with their child. Once we’ve got hope, we can join with them to recommit to their child, their family and their child’s healing.

Kyle: Where do you go from there?

Anne: We need to build safety and trust first and we work on that through education on complex developmental trauma, brain development, and attachment. We need the parent to understand misbehavior as an expression of the child’s trauma. An expression s/he paid dearly for, and for the time being, needs to rely on to be safe.  For example, if he lies, he may likely be protecting against your disappointment and possible removal from the home.

Another example: you get a call from the school telling you your child got into a verbal fight with the math teacher and has received in-school suspension.  He walks in the door after school and you are waiting near the door. You immediately ask, “Anything you want to tell me?” He might lie. “He may say, “No.” You might go on asking, giving more and more hints (“Anything about math class?” “No.” “Anything about getting an in-school suspension?” “No.”) He probably knows that you know, but he can’t face it. Because if he admits he couldn’t control himself at school today, he may fear you’ll decide you’re going to call his caseworker and have him removed. Or his shame at being “a problem, again” is too much to admit to when confronted so directly.

Our kids have a negativity bias that is bone deep. They have had low self-worth drilled into them since they can remember. We have to connect with them and assure a sense of safety before we correct. Every single time. There are consequences. They may need to look very different for these kids.

Kyle: What would be a PACEful approach to that situation you just described?

Anne: Sure, let’s try this:

The parent lets the youth get settled for 15 minutes after school and then gently approaches with a soft voice and relaxed face. “Hey bud, I heard you had a tough day today. Maybe in math class? You might’ve said some stuff to your teacher? I’m going to grab a cup of tea and we can talk about it in fifteen minutes. Cam I bring you a soda or milk? Does that sound good to you?”

The whole time your affect needs to be calm and understanding. You need to be emotionally regulated. He knows he’s in trouble, his defenses are up. He probably has a pretty strong fear that you’re going to reject him. He might already be feeling that rejection, preemptively. We have to demonstrate, through our words and our body language, that it is okay, that you are curious and empathetic and accepting of him as a person. You are communicating that you will need to talk about it, but you have assured safety first.

Kyle: One of the questions I’m sure you get all the time is, “Where are the consequences for his actions, then?” How do you like to answer that?

Anne: Consequences may look different, but they’re definitely still there. You need to connect first though. As we talk to kids about what they did and why they did it, we can let them know we understand. For instance:

“You must have been really upset to have called her that name. What was happening? Oh, you forgot to put your name on your test again and she called you out on it in front of the whole class? I bet it made you feel kind of humiliated to be called out in front of the class. It probably felt like she was calling you dumb. I guess I would feel kind of embarrassed too. I don’t like feeling like that.”

Once you both understand why it happened, AND he understands that you get why he reacted as he did (note: understanding does not equal agreement!), AND he knows you get it and that you get him and that you accept him, THEN you can begin to discuss different responses he could have chosen. Then you can decide on the consequences. Absolutely, he needs to know his reaction wasn’t acceptable or effective, but that’s not the first thing he needs to know.

Kyle: What do children take from a more confrontational, traditional approach to misbehavior? What are the risks if we continue in that style?

Anne: We know the results because traumatized kids grow into dysfunctional adults. We have several decades of research based on interviews with adults who grew up in the same situations our kids are in now. To them, everything is a threat, they’re insecure about their relationships. They felt – and feel – damaged and useless. They say things like, “That’s why mom beat me, that’s why she let those men use me.”

You have to protect your child’s self-worth. You have to challenge the messages they receive from others about themselves. You have to challenge the messages they tell themselves about themselves. They do not expect that from adults because they have never had anyone but themselves to rely on for emotional safety.

Kyle: And being PACEful helps them build self-worth?

Anne: Yes! What we know about neurobiology and brain development is that humans need a steady stream of good experiences to build trusting, positive relationships. Neurotransmitters and hormones like dopamine and oxytocin, which make us feel happy and safe, release when we have small moments of connection. Something as simple as touching your child’s shoulder, winking across the dinner table, or complimenting the way they spoke respectfully to an adult all release a quick burst of dopamine or oxytocin that lingers for several minutes. In addition to building trust and connection, dopamine and oxytocin protect us from the kinds of negative emotions which drive trauma behaviors.

Kyle: This seems like it’s really realigning how you behave toward kids.

Anne: Exactly. It is more about being and less about doing, especially in the early stages of developing and cementing trust.

Kyle: I’ve seen parents and even professionals react to the impact being PACEful has on our kids. But sometimes they actually seem to get discouraged. I remember one mom saying, “Well, I’m just not like that. It’s not how I was raised. I don’t know that I can be that playful and understanding and perfect all the time.” Lots of variations on that theme. What do you think about that?

Anne: Some people, those who are naturally expressive in nonverbal ways or through their tone, they might have a leg up on the rest of us. But no one is perfect. No one has a monopoly on every piece of PACE.

The key is finding your strengths. Maybe playfulness isn’t your thing, and you come off as more naturally serious. You can make up for that with curiosity or empathy. Figure out where you’re most comfortable first, then build up and out. Once you find what you’re good at, you’ll feel more confidence and the rest will grow. You can build your expressiveness through something as simple as listening to a storyteller podcast, or an audiobook. Becoming comfortable reading children’s books using different voices for various characters could be good practice. Watching videos of Dr. Hughes on YouYube or asking a Family Works staff to roleplay with you would be other ways to gain additional exposure to PACE.

And keep in mind the value of playfulness; the point of being playful is not to be goofy or silly (although that has its place too!). While playful, we are able to neurologically disrupt the child’s anxiety or stress response. The human brain cannot be engaged in both stress and playfulness simultaneously. Therefore, by engaging with a little wistfulness, we can help the child become less stressed, less self-protective and more open and engaged to our connections with them. Once they’re open, we can help them begin to trust and heal.

DDP, and being PACEful, is the best tool we have for helping parents reach into the inner experiences of these kids, to build a path allowing them a space to join and build healthy, resilient relationships. The parents who we’ve worked with through Family Works love it. We have a no-show rate near zero, which is unheard of for in-home services. Many are hungry for more learning, about half attend our support groups to further build their PACE skills. They truly are the best ambassadors for this model. No matter how much my team and I talk about it, results speak louder.

The Coalition is looking for opportunities to infuse DDP deeper into the metropolitan area. Recently, we partnered with Missouri Foundation for Health to begin creating a DDP training collaborative specifically for foster, adoptive, and guardianship parents. It should be transformative, and we’re excited to be at the forefront of this.

If you would like to learn more about the DDP, you can find resources at the DDP Network (https://ddpnetwork.org/resources/)

It’s not necessarily the sun shining through the windows that will brighten your mornings when Sean is in the house. It’s likely his smile, as he spends most of the day beaming! If you couple Sean’s silly sense of humor with his great grins, you’ve got an amazing young man who makes the dullest days brighter. Sean is 6-years old and loves keeping people laughing by telling jokes with the help of his computer. Knock-knock jokes are his specialty! He is active, loves to explore, and delights in the company of animals.

Throughout his young life, Sean has continually defied expectations. The special attention and care that he requires will remain a part of his life as he grows up. An adoptive family who is active, inclusive, and able to give Sean the time and attention he deserves would be the best fit for him. Since he enjoys playing and is often stimulated by the energy of other kids, older or younger siblings would be great for him too. If you think you are the right fit for Sean, please contact us. We would love to find the right adoptive family for this cheerful child.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Much of traditional day-to-day parenting assumes that the child feels safe at home and is able to trust their parent and their motives when they discipline them. They may not like the discipline but they never doubt the underlying security and unconditional love. This traditional parenting, based on social learning theory, assumes that children learn to decrease undesirable behaviors by receiving consequences and learn new desirable behaviors by receiving rewards. This type of normative parenting assumes a healthy attachment between child and parent, with trust and safety securely intact.

Children who have experienced chaotic, inconsistent and/or abusive parenting will carry with them expectations of this type of treatment from all adults. This means that these children will be confused and will struggle with normal, healthy parenting. It won’t make sense and it won’t feel safe. These children are often afraid of “parents”.  As a result of this, they have developed a range of ways to manage these high levels of fear and to provide self-protection.

Parents, if unaware, will find it very hard to understand, explain and manage these children’s behaviors. Additionally, the parents will also find it hard to connect emotionally to the children. These difficulties are best understood as:

• Difficulties in attachment, i.e. the children find it hard to feel safe and secure with their parents, despite the parents providing safety and security.
• Difficulties in relationships, i.e. the children find it hard to give and take in relationships, often rejecting all offers of care or demanding high levels of care with no reciprocity of affection.

These difficulties are most obvious in the children’s strong need to experience control in their relationships. Controlling behaviors provide a fragile sense of security while the experiences of intimacy, closeness, attachment, and relationships is terrifying. Sadly, these behaviors make it harder for them to experience relationships with parents, some of the only relationships which can actually help them recover from the earlier trauma.

These difficulties will likely extend beyond the home. The children can have difficulties in lots of their relationships. This can impact friendships, school and leisure activities. All of this culminates in a high level of exhaustion and often unrelenting stress for all the family.

When these methods don’t seem to work for these complexly traumatized children, parenting strategies based on what we know from research about developmental trauma and attachment better connect with the child’s inner world.

Dyadic Developmental Patenting (Parenting with P.A.C.E.)

Dyadic Developmental Patenting is an important part of helping children heal and recover from trauma. It relies on parents being able to remain emotionally regulated to connect with the child, while providing empathy-based corrections through behavioral support.

Parenting using the principles of Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy helps parents understand the meaning of the child’s behavior and teaches how to stay calm and emotionally regulated, even at very difficult times. This, in turn, helps the child calm down and co-regulate, thereby serving to keep the parent emotionally available, open, engaged and connected to continue supporting the child.

P.A.C.E. is an attitudinal structure that is used to build safety where previously there was only terror, and create trust where there was only mistrust. This parenting approach suggests a range of parenting strategies which make the world feel safer to the troubled child. Based on Attachment Theory, this approach helps the parent show the child that they will stay with them as they develop new stories to find out where they have been, who they are, and what they want to become.

By Anne Zink

Sources: https://ddpnetwork.org/ | Daniel A. Hughes, Kim S. Golding & Julie Hudson. Healing Relational with Attachment-Focused Intervention. New York. WW Norton & Co, 2019.

Stay tuned for our next blog where we look at how DDP is actually used in Coalition cases.

Del-Vyon is an extroverted 11-year-old who is always smiling! He’s always looking for ways to make you smile too, so he’s quick to bust a dance move or tell you a joke to capture your attention. Being smart, athletic, and full of curiosity are some of his best qualities. Del-Vyon likes playing football and basketball and hopes to join a school team when he’s matched with his forever family. He is currently in the 6^th grade and is proud of his knowledge of math. He has received multiple awards for his excellence in mathematics.

Del-Vyon is looking forward to being adopted. He will thrive in a family that encourages him through life’s ups and downs, is patient, and can continually look on the bright side. A family that has a great sense of humor and likes to dance would also be a great fit. Del-Vyon has siblings who will be adopted separately, so a family that encourages ongoing contact with them is a must.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Issue Spotlight: Transition-Age Youth (TAY) in Foster Care

Do you remember being 21 years old? Maybe you have memories of signing your first lease, going off to college, searching for jobs or trying to find yourself. Oh, a time of change and endless possibilities… and stress, confusion and the overwhelming feeling of “having no idea how to do this”. Imagine how much harder this might be without family support. Someone to co-sign a lease with you, hand down dishes and furniture for your new place, or put in a good word for a job. And beyond practical help, a loved one to provide emotional support and guidance through life transitions.

Well, every year in the United States over 20,000 youth (18-24 years old) age out of foster care with very little or no support navigating significant life changes. According to the Jim Casey Initiative, 1 out of 5 transition-age youth will be homeless after age 18, over half will not graduate high school, fewer than 2% will earn a college degree by age 25, and by the age of 24, only half will be employed. These alarming statistics tells us about the challenges TAY face, but do not tell us who they are and why they so desperately need our support.

We had an interview with Kelly Sullivan, Connections Specialist at the Coalition. Having aged out of foster care herself, Kelly is passionate about advocating and supporting TAY. Using her personal and work experience she is on a mission to find ways for these youth to been seen and know they are loved.

YC: What are you most passionate about when it comes to working with TAY?

KS: I really want foster transition-age youth to know that someone respects their story and is willing to take the time to understand who they are as a result. Through honoring who they are and what they’ve been through, I hope that I can help them move forward with their goals and improve their wellbeing. Like the Carl Sagan quote, “You have to know the past to understand the present.” When children and youth are separated from their families, their stories, ties, and wellbeing become severed. I hope that by pasting together their stories with them, we can begin to change their narratives and Internal Working Models.

YC: What do we want our community to know about TAY?

KS: TAY is an age group that tends to confuse adults. I don’t think they are that complicated really. Youth want to feel loved, respected and cared for. They are at an age where they are meant to question and explore their identity. Adding systemic involvement and trauma to this developmental stage means that they need more help getting through these years. I think being playful, accepting, curious and empathetic (PACE-ful) with foster TAY is essential.

YC: What promising initiatives do you see on the horizon?

KS: I believe that once Developmental Trauma is added to the DSM, it will bring a new level of awareness to communities about why we actually see the types of behavioral responses that occur with foster TAY. It will help us to understand the types of therapeutic interventions and individualize their transition plans.

I also believe that systems are moving more toward interdependence versus independence. Our society has a high esteem toward individualism, however, human beings are a social species. We need each other for survival and TAY are no different. We shouldn’t expect them to age out of state custody without a myriad of supports in place with the emphasis being on relational supports.

YC: How does your program affect this population?

KS: Because the outcomes for older youth who age of state custody are so poor, older youth are a focus in all Coalition programs. We focus on preventing all children in foster care from reaching a point where they age out without supports. Training and supporting caregivers for this group is especially important. Once caregivers are trained through programs such as Family Works and supported by Educational Advocacy and The Dennis and Judy Jones Family Foundation Foster Care & Adoption Program, they can serve foster transition-age youth in a more meaningful and healing way.

If you would like to learn more about how to support the Coalition’s work with foster TAY contact Yanelis Castillo, Director of Mission Engagement at yaneliscastillo@foster-adopt.org.

Keep an eye out for our next blog highlighting Dyadic developmental psychotherapy (DDP).

Kelly Sullivan, Connections Specialist at the Coalition

It had been a tough day for 16-year-old Marcie*. She had just learned that her brother was being adopted. She was glad for him, but couldn’t help but wonder when she would find her forever family, too. She missed him already. Edna, The Coalition’s Wendy’s Wonderful Kids Recruiter, recognized that she needed a little extra cheer, so she brought her to ReFresh, The Coalition’s resale boutique.

Edna knew that Marcie’s closet at her foster home was bare. Marcie was hesitant at first, but Edna encouraged her to try on some clothes.

“I guess I do need some khaki shorts for work,” Marcie said.

A big storm had rolled in that day, keeping most shoppers at home, so Marcie and Edna had the store to themselves, with ReFresh volunteers there to help. Slowly, as Marcie began to find outfits she liked, her demeanor changed. Her smile returned.

The volunteers helped her carry all of her favorites to the cash register. When the total rang up, Marcie’s eyes grew wide. Between the deep discount that youth in foster care receive at ReFresh, and the Rewards coupons she was given, she owed less than a dollar. She now owned a wardrobe of quality, fashionable clothing that she could wear to school and work. She left ReFresh that day, her spirit lifted.

Making the most of every dollar

Did you know … kids in foster care only receive a $350 clothing stipend for the entire year? We know that does not stretch very far, especially for older youth. That is why ReFresh is an integral part of our mission to support kids in foster care and their families. Youth in foster care receive a 90% discount on all clothing and accessories in the store, and foster/adoptive/kinship families receive a 30% discount. In 2018, ReFresh sold 1,610 items to foster youth.

It all started in the late 1990s. The Coalition established The KidStore, a small retail store that provided new and gently used clothing to foster/adoptive children at minimal cost. It was housed on the 2nd floor of Tyler Place Presbyterian Church. In 2006, with the support of May Company, Lowe’s, Home Depot, Build-A-Bear Workshop, KSDK NewsChannel 5, and local artist Charles Houska, KidStore hosted a Grand Re-Opening Celebration. The expansion and updates allowed The Coalition to serve even more families.

In 2009, The Coalition won a Social Entrepreneurship grant from Washington University’s Skandalaris Center for Interdisciplinary Innovation and Entrepreneurship. After months of planning, market research, and hiring for the perfect team, The Coalition launched ReFresh in August 2011 with a Grand Opening at its new location in Brentwood.

Today, ReFresh is a full-operation resale boutique. It is filled with trendy clothing, including a section boasting names like Kate Spade, Tory Burch, and more. Its prices beat those you’ll find at other discount chains.

You’ll find the red carpet runway outside the upstairs dressing room. There, you can model the latest fashions in front of your friends, who wait comfortably on the lounge couches while they watch TV or browse a fashion magazine.

Volunteer opportunities

Other than three store co-managers, ReFresh is completely powered by volunteers. In 2018, 328 volunteers from the community spent 3,612 hours at ReFresh, helping sort, organize, and tag all donated clothing and accessories, dress mannequins, and engage with shoppers. Volunteers include individuals, students, families, religious and civic groups, and local businesses. Corporations like Maritz, Edward Jones, HomeState Health, Wells Fargo, and Great Southern Bank regularly send groups of their employees to ReFresh to serve, as it has proven to be a great team-building experience that also benefits the community.

In 2018, 328 volunteers from the community spent 3,612 hours at ReFresh, helping sort, organize, and tag all donated clothing and accessories, dress mannequins, and engage with shoppers.

“My favorite part of working here is the volunteers,” said Tammy Hayes, co-manager at ReFresh. “They aren’t getting paid, they just believe in our mission. I love getting to meet a broad spectrum of people – they are all so unique … just like the clothes at ReFresh! They make it so interesting and fun.”

Hannah Stroup began volunteering at ReFresh to fulfill the 100 community service hours required for a class at John Burroughs School. It made a lasting impact on her. This summer, she transitioned into a seasonal staff member role. In the fall, she will return to Butler University where she is pursuing a degree in Education. “I love kids. Working at ReFresh is perfect because the proceeds from the store helps kids in foster care, and I get to personally interact with them as they shop,” she said.

The Cinderella Project

One of the most popular volunteer opportunities at ReFresh is the Cinderella Project. Throughout the year, thousands of formal gowns of all colors, styles, and sizes are donated to ReFresh. Students, boutiques, families, and businesses host dress drives and then deliver them to the store. Young ladies who are in foster care or simply cannot afford one are invited to come and find their perfect gown, to ensure they do not miss out on the prom of their dreams. Volunteers help sort and organize the inventory. When the young ladies come in to find a dress, they are paired with a volunteer “fairy godmother” who helps them find the right dress and accessories. If the dress doesn’t quite fit, volunteer seamstresses are on hand to make the necessary alterations. It is a magical experience for all, and the smiles on the young ladies’ faces when they leave is the ultimate reward for volunteers.

Need some inspiration? Meet Legacy Jackson … she is 9 years old, and decided she wanted to be a part of The Cinderella Project. Legacy hosted a dress drive, and collected dozens of beautiful gowns for our young ladies. Thank you, Legacy!

Beloved by the community

What started out as a clothing closet for children in need has blossomed into a high-impact, top-quality boutique that now brings in more than $200,000 a year to support The Coalition’s mission. It is no longer Brentwood’s best kept secret. For two years in a row, ReFresh has been voted by the community to be one of the best clothing resale stores for St. Louis Magazine’s “A-List.”

Support ReFresh today

To stay in the loop about all of ReFresh’s events and sales, follow them on Facebook and Instagram.  If you or your company is interested in volunteering for ReFresh, please email refresh@foster-adopt.org or call at 314-881-0331.

*Name was changed to protect child’s privacy.

Six year old Chance lights up every room that he walks into. He has a megawatt smile and sweet nature. He has brownish red hair and sparkling green eyes. He is cheerful, loves to help, and you will be his best friend the minute you meet him. He loves to do chores such as taking out the trash and helping to put in a new bag, picking things up, and using a feather duster. Chance also loves to play! He likes play dough, doing puzzles of Mickey Mouse, and listening to songs on YouTube that he can dance to. Chance gets so excited when he learns new things and claps for himself at every accomplishment! He also loves to jump on the trampoline, play with the dogs, and go swimming. He’s especially daring and loves to go down the slide at the pool. Chance loves to eat! Like any typical six year old he loves applesauce, pizza, and cheese! Chance is in first grade this year and loves to go to school with his backpack.

https://www.ksdk.com/article/news/outreach/adoption/place-to-call-home-chance/63-523435114

For those who are licensed foster/adoptive parents, please contact:

Amanda Denning – Extreme Recruiter

1750 South Brentwood Boulevard, Suite 210, Saint Louis, MO 63144
o 314.367.8373
e amandadenning@foster-adopt.org

For those who are not licensed foster/adoptive parents, please fill out the inquiry form below:

It was a sea of smiles at Wells Fargo Advisors last month, as the Coalition welcomed longtime supporters to our 30 Years of Volunteers Luncheon. It felt more like a family reunion, bringing together extraordinary individuals and groups who have been committed to serving our most vulnerable kids for the last three decades.

The room was filled with people of all ages from different walks of life, each with a unique reason for giving their time and talent, but united by a shared vision: ensuring every child has a place to call home. One of our founders, Wanda Stokes, and our very first Executive Director, Lynn Broeder, sat together, swapping stories about the Coalition’s early days when the office was housed in the Wainwright Building downtown. Emeritus board members chatted with new junior board members, inspiring this next generation of volunteer leaders.

“So much has changed since our beginning 30 years ago, but one thing has remained a vital part of our work … volunteers,” said Melanie Scheetz, the Coalition’s Executive Director. Shelley Thomas-Benke, Director of Volunteers, also shared her gratitude for the many hours donated by those in the room.

National Recognition

Although never motivated by recognition, our volunteers’ selfless dedication earned national attention. In 2018 alone, 737 volunteers donated 5,877 community service hours across more than 50 opportunities throughout the Greater St. Louis area. In the last 30 years, the estimated number of volunteer hours donated is 93,000, with an economic impact of $1,395,000 in the region. On behalf of this incredible service, the Coalition was presented with The President’s Volunteer Service Award, a national honor given by The White House and administered by the Points of Light organization. It is the premier volunteer award, encouraging citizens to live a life of service through presidential gratitude and national recognition. Ambassador George Herbert Walker, cousin of the late President George H.W. Bush who founded the Points of Light organization, presented the award. Also in attendance was Kathleen Fleming of Forward Focus kkf, LLC, who helped certify The Coalition for the honor.

“Volunteers truly are the heartbeat of our organization,” said Melanie. “We are so honored to be recognized by the Points of Light organization for the commitment of our volunteers in finding forever homes for kids impacted by foster care.”

Support at Every Level

Representing KSDK – 5 On Your Side, one of the Coalition’s most dedicated community partners, Anthony Slaughter emceed the luncheon, sharing why this mission is personal for him.

“I am especially touched to be involved because of my own journey in becoming a foster/adoptive dad,” he noted. “I never thought I would be a single dad of twin boys before I turned 30, but when my cousin’s boys needed a place to call home, I didn’t think twice.”

To acknowledge each volunteer and give a visual of the magnitude of support, he asked everyone to wave the orange flag at their place setting when he named the opportunity they had supported. Flags filled the air as he recognized the governing and junior boards, Birthday Buddies, Holiday Wishes volunteers, Cinderella Project personal shoppers and seamstresses, Foster Friends, event committees, ReFresh and Resource volunteers, Training Extravaganza supporters, supply drive organizers, CASAs, and foster/adoptive parents.

One of those volunteers was Angela Wakefield. Several years ago she started her journey with The Coalition by volunteering with her employer, Wells Fargo Advisors, but quickly found more ways to get involved. “I love the fact that they will go to any length to find forever homes for these children,” she said. “They also treat me like I’m a part of their family, which is really special to me.”

It was a beautiful day celebrating our volunteers who truly are the heart and soul of all that we do. Check out some highlights from that day below!

To learn more about volunteering at Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition, please reach out to Shelley Thomas-Benke at shelley@foster-adopt.org.

*Special thank you to Andi Norwich for the photos, and KSDK – 5 On Your Side team and Michelle Shockley for creating the video!*

“Everybody can be great. Because anybody can serve…You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.

How many times have you heard the following? We don’t have enough foster parents. There aren’t enough qualified parents to care for our kids. There is a crisis-level shortage of available homes.

If you live the child welfare life, we’d guess every day.

But that’s not the full story. Those statements would lead you to believe that not enough people are interested in fostering. They suggest we simply can’t find anyone qualified. Possibly even that our community is uncaring – knowing the plight of our kids, why won’t anyone step forward?

But people do all the time.

Here’s the truth behind the “crisis”; nationally, more than half of foster parents quit fostering within the first year, with another significant dip in the second year. No matter how many wonderful families step up with big hearts and good intentions, it will never be enough to meet the demand if only 40% continue after the first year.

Maybe you’re asking why. Why are so many people able to get through the long, arduous licensing process, yet quit shortly after starting their journey? We can tell you right now, it’s not the kids’ fault. But, ultimately, it’s our kids who pay the price.

Low retention rates mean fewer qualified foster families are available, so children transition more frequently between foster homes. Every disruption brings new trauma. Children who have suffered abuse or neglect internalize their repeated removal from family. Maybe, they think, I don’t deserve one. Often, children who disrupt from a foster family go to residential facilities or psychiatric institutions, where they languish for months or years. Not only are these toxic places for a child to grow up, they are unbelievably expensive. Already strained taxpayer resources are diverted from recruiting and retaining the best foster parents and spent instead on keeping kids in institutions. When kids are institutionalized, it can make it harder for them to thrive in a family setting later on.

This vicious cycle compounds the trauma our kids face. Every child we serve has experienced abuse, neglect, abandonment, drug exposure, domestic violence, or all of the above. The removal of a child from their home, even if that home is unsafe, is traumatic in and of itself. New foster parents struggle to meet the needs of the children in their care, but they’ve often been rushed through inadequate training in order to secure short-term foster homes. But the long-term consequences are unprepared parents who are set up to fail.

“Caring for children and youth who have survived severe and complicated trauma can be exhausting and finding peace among the chaos can be daunting,” said Anne Zink, Director of Family Support for the Coalition.

Years of research has shown retaining foster parents to be one of the single most powerful ways we can dramatically improve the quality of healing for kids in care. In 2018, the National Council for Adoption published a report which showed that, when trained parents continue to foster, it means a more stable foster care experience for the child,  dramatically improved outcomes for our kids, and a substantial savings of fiscal dollars. To reverse the system’s terrible retention rates and prevent burnout, foster parents need smart support, peer encouragement, and cutting-edge training that sets realistic expectations.

So The Coalition decided to do something about this.

In 2017, the Coalition received a generous grant to create The Dennis and Judy Jones Family Foundation Foster Care and Adoption Program. The purpose of the program is to recruit and train foster/adoptive families (lovingly referred to as the Jones Families or “Jonesies”) and then offer ongoing support throughout their journey.

Since the inception of this program three years ago, our foster parent retention rate is 97%.

So what makes this program different?

Jones Families receive the highest level training, the utmost care, and real-time support from Coalition staff, with continuous on-call communication. In addition to the state-required STARS training, our families receive 14 hours of Trauma Training.

“When I came to The Coalition for STARS training, it was totally different than any other experience,” said Tessy Gaeng, Jones Program alum. “It was a supportive and very honest environment. Connie and Katie were patient and encouraging, and used humor to keep everyone engaged and confident in what we were learning. They focused so much on the positive aspects (without sugarcoating it), sharing our kids’ potential and our role in that as foster parents.”

Understanding the trauma and loss of the children in their care means Jones Families are uniquely equipped to respond with agility and creativity during the healing process. One parent, Tyler, related the story of Colton, a boy in his care who began to act out at home. Recognizing the symptoms of grief, rather than defiance, Tyler asked Colton why he was sad. Colton explained that he missed his Nana. Nana would always let him come sleep on her floor when he was scared of his Dad. Not missing a beat, Tyler asked him what kinds of things he and Nana did together, and Colton began to explain how she made him baked spaghetti. Using Alexa, they asked for baked spaghetti recipes until they heard just the right one, then they cooked it together!

Jones Families are increasingly the most sought-after families throughout the entire St. Louis metropolitan area for agencies looking to place children coming into the foster care system, with 80 families already licensed and 162 children placed. The vast majority of these placements have resulted in family reunification or adoption.

“We initially thought we only wanted to adopt, but we really have grown to enjoy the fostering side of it,” said Tonya Campbell, Jones Program alum. “Donna and I heartily believe in reunification – that kids should be with their biological family whenever possible. It’s obviously much harder, because you don’t know how long kids are going to be with you. But it’s a chance that we’re willing to take with our hearts.

Jones Families understand the importance of family connections by taking in entire sibling groups and engaging the children’s entire extended family. It’s not unusual for Jones Families to invite relatives to family dinners and sporting events, or to schedule doctor appointments so that relatives can be there as well.

“We spend a lot of time training our parents to understand and embrace the importance of family connections,” said Katie Corrigan, Director of Family Development for the Coalition. “I am continually impressed at the way our families respond to this and the ideas they come up with to involve family in so many ways beyond visits.”

Recently, one of the Jones families invited their foster child’s biological grandparents over for a game night and sent their mom a picture of all of them. It had a tremendous impact. The mother responded with this: “Thank you. My son is very handsome! I miss him so much. You guys are truly awesome. I could not have asked for better for foster parents! And in all honesty, even when this is over, I would like for all of us to stay in contact since he knows and loves you guys. I don’t have much family so you guys would be an awesome addition for him and me. That’s if you guys would like to.”

Nothing here is revolutionary. Our Jones Team prepares parents with realistic expectations of the challenges our kids and families face. They teach them to focus on strengths and the small successes that sustain us all. They focus on building relationships with new foster parents, and through that trust, learn to offer individualized support. And most of all, our Jones Team moves with the same passion, urgency, and creativity that make our staff the best in their fields.

Does it take more work up front? Yes. Is there a risk that some will quit when they’re told to involve biological family, or the kinds of behaviors their children may show as a result of their trauma? Of course. But here at The Coalition, we always strive to work smarter, not harder. What is the point of rushing these families through if we’re not reasonably sure we can support them to success? The philosophy is debatable; the numbers are not.

The Jones Program is currently training its 13^th cohort of foster parents; the 14^th is already full, and plans are underway for the 15^th cohort. If you are interested in learning more about the Jones program, please reach out to Katie Corrigan at 314-367-8373.

This work would not be possible without the generosity and vision of the Dennis and Judy Jones Family Foundation. We would like to thank the Foundation for their generational impact on our community’s children and families.

“We spend a lot of time training our parents to understand and embrace the importance of family connections,” said Katie Corrigan, Director of Family Development for the Coalition. “I am continually impressed at the way our families respond to this and the ideas they come up with to involve family in so many ways beyond visits.”

Part 3 of a 3-part blog series about The Coalition’s National Program Advisor, Ian Forber Pratt

On July 11, 2018, Ian Forber-Pratt boarded a plane to St. Louis. Over the last 9 years, he’d been at the forefront of a movement to change the face of child welfare in India.

Now he was headed back to America. India was a beautiful, vibrant place alive with a boundless potential for change. But Ian also had a young son, Zane, who Ian and his wife believed could have more opportunities back in the States.

Reluctantly, Ian went home. He had part-time work with Children’s Emergency Relief International (CERI) overseeing their global advocacy efforts. And he had Zane and Nargis at home, but Ian felt called to go back to another family, the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition where he started his career over a decade ago.

When Melanie Scheetz, Executive Director of the Coalition, picked up her phone, she was already working over a dilemma. The work the Coalition had going in St. Louis was high-impact, nationally important stuff. An independent study by a think tank in Virginia had shown their 30 Days to Family® program placed kids quicker, created more stable families, and even saved substantial taxpayer dollars. There was nothing like it happening in the country. But that was the problem. The Coalition had an obligation to share its discoveries, but its mission was solely focused on St. Louis. Driven by its values, but focused on its mission, Melanie found herself at an impasse.

That’s when Ian told Melanie he was back in the US. He asked her, “Is there anything you could use a hand with?”

Just weeks later, Ian was the Coalition’s National Program Officer. His first step was to meet internally with Coalition teams, trying to re-establish his sense of the American foster care landscape. His first realization surprised him.

“I had this rosy view of child welfare in the US. Years of work in the developing world had convinced me that America was this visionary, utopian place. But when I came back I realized most of the same problems I faced in India, they were actually happening here, too.”

While policies in the United States were often forward-thinking, they were implemented from the top down, with little regard for what the system could actually bear. In smaller towns and metro regions around the country, drugs and poverty stretched an overburdened, untrained, and underfunded system to its limit.

“Honestly, it’s astonishing,” says Ian. “You’ve got these policies, most of which need to happen, but they’re often written with a disconnect to the actual capacity in our communities, with unfunded mandates and not predictive for how social change actually happens.”

His initiation into these problems was immediate, as the United States was in the middle of implementing its largest foster care reform in a decade, the Families First Services and Prevention Act. Passed in early 2018, the law introduces much-needed reform intended to keep children out of foster care, as well as strict limits on the use of institutional facilities in which many children are housed.

As Ian tried to think through his first task – replicating 30 Days to Family® around the country – he began to see the issues as connected. He spoke with innovative, grassroots organizations around the country. He began to realize that, though change was ordered from the top, the real innovation was happening everywhere you looked. In the absence of even the barest support, angry and idealistic parents and professionals around the country were taking matters into their own hands. He met with dozens of leaders who wanted 30 Days to Family® in their own neighborhoods as soon as possible. But, more interestingly, he noticed that many had ideas of their own to share.

Ian spent months studying implementation science and meeting with experts at Harvard, the Brown School of Social Work at Washington University, University of North Carolina, and the University of Maryland. He’d come to believe that someone at the national level would need to break through the silos all these innovative child welfare teams were operating in. But what he found in his meetings was that the US had a plethora of experts. We knew exactly what kids and families needed in order to thrive and grow and heal. But tragically, every call would end with the same refrain:

“So, do you have funding?”

What Ian realized during this research phase is that innovative solutions like 30 Days to Family® were not spreading nationally because there was no money to push them beyond the boundaries of their invention. Taxpayer money funded a bare-bones child welfare system that could just barely keep the majority of kids safe, to say nothing of allowing them to heal. But what he’d never seen, in India or in the history of American foster care, was an investment that would save every child. Lip service to vulnerable children was common, but fidelity to the potential of every child was few and far between.

“It was a heavy realization. Dark, even. But what I quickly realized is that most people at the Coalition know this already. They accept it and they say, okay, well, if the kids are still here, then so am I. What are you going to do?”

The implication of Ian’s realization was, and is, simple. The implication is that communities themselves will have to find ways to do more with less. They will have offer children a better chance at success, and themselves a greater risk of failure. Ian realized that the answer was in his lap.

“30 Days to Family® is everything that this new generation of solutions must be. It is grassroots, evidence-informed, family-driven, and child-focused. It helps kids heal to a degree that is really unique. And it does so while saving money we so desperately need to serve more children.”

But the answer wasn’t just 30 Days to Family®. The answer was much bigger. Within a few days, Ian and Melanie sketched out a big idea with the potential to change the face of child welfare. They imagined a new organization, supporting and supported by the Coalition, that would oversee the national spread of innovative solutions like 30 Days to Family®. But they imagined it as something more, a new way forward for child welfare where new ideas spread across the country in real time, electric and immediate, and the do-it-yourself, grassroots grit that had come to define what was right with our foster care reformers became the new norm.

That idea, the National Institute for Innovation in Child Welfare, became Ian’s sole focus at the Coalition. He reached out to mentors and experts, foster and adoptive parents, elected officials – anyone who might have a reason why it couldn’t work. What surprised him most, after years of slogging through a child welfare bureaucracy that is intractable in India as it is in the US, is that no one told him no.

They said go for it.

As Ian reached out to investors and partners, he met with curiosity, and even a little skepticism, but what he met with, more often than he expected, was hope.

Said one longtime academic and researcher of foster care issues:

“Ian, if you all can figure out how to do this, you’ll do something that’s never been done before for our kids and families.”

The Institute is still a dream. One day, it will be a vibrant, national center for reform, learning, and advocacy that connects the brightest and most passionate in our field. The Coalition will continue to develop groundbreaking solutions for the St. Louis region’s most vulnerable children, and the Institute will help spread those and other solutions nationally. We are still working as a team to design, strategize, and will this new adventure into being.

But none of us, Ian, Melanie, nor any staff, caregiver, volunteer, or donor to the Coalition – no single person – would be here without each other’s unwavering support. It has been a team effort, every step of the way. In this, our 30^th year, we cannot thank you enough for the radical change you have created for our kids. They are not burdens, but our greatest gifts, and when they enter foster care, they are placed in trust. For recognizing their potential, we are forever grateful.

The Coalition Family

“I had this rosy view of child welfare in the US. Years of work in the developing world had convinced me that America was this visionary, utopian place. But when I came back I realized most of the same problems I faced in India, they were actually happening here, too.”

Part 2 of a 3-part blog series about The Coalition’s National Program Advisor, Ian Forber Pratt

In a cluttered, sweltering government building in Rajasthan, India, Ian Forber Pratt stood sweating in the office of the Director of the Department of Child Rights (DCR). He had come to ask permission to do something unprecedented: create a foster care system from scratch.

After hours of waiting, The Director invited Ian inside his office, paper files stacked in all directions, and asked what he wanted. Less than a minute into Ian’s prepared speech, The Director cut him off. He thanked Ian for his time and told him to get out of his office.

It would be the first of many rejections.

Just months earlier, Ian had sold everything he owned and moved from St. Louis to India. He arrived in the city of Udaipur with three bags of clothes. He knew only three people: a woman in Calcutta who ran a small group home for disabled girls, a hotel owner, and a tour guide. Although he’d taken a Hindi immersion course while still in the States, he had trouble communicating, especially in the jargon of child welfare.

“Family is a core value for Indians,” said Ian. “But bringing unknown children or young people into their homes – that required a complete mindset change. It was much easier for the government to say ‘Foster care will never work in our country.’”

But Ian saw a dire need. In 2009, more than 31 million “orphaned” children were living in India. Many were abandoned by their parents due a combination of extreme poverty, gender discrimination, and an ancient caste system that defined boundaries and limited opportunities. With no alternative, those children ended up in orphanages run by the Indian government, or private unregulated homes. These children tended to end up in extreme poverty, used as child labor, or abducted by traffickers.

The government recognized there was a problem. More than a decade earlier, India had launched the Juvenile Justice (Care and Protection of Children) Act, which aimed to protect the rights of all vulnerable children, especially orphans. Although all Indian states were asked to adopt those statutes, none actually knew how to implement it. What they lacked was a bridge between the abstract theories of child protection and the messy reality of life on the ground in desperately poor communities. Ian knew that if he wanted to get kids out of orphanages and into families, he’d have to rely on skills honed at the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition.

Ian’s time at the Coalition taught him how to be that bridge. He had seen experts lead a reluctant system toward change through a mixture of self-awareness and tenacity. He thought he had the answer for millions of children, but he knew he needed to learn the heartbeat of India first. He bought a motorcycle and spent time roaming the streets, immersing himself in the culture.

“I was spending 18 to 19 hours a day researching the systems, the infrastructure,” Ian said. “I reached out to every person and organization I could find in the child protection space, letting them know who I was and what I was trying to achieve.”

Even registering a non-governmental organization (NGO) was a grueling process. Ian knocked on door after door of government agencies, asking for help in navigating the bureaucracy, only to be turned away.

“There’s no other way to say it; I was burning out. I had no money. There was enormous resistance and many levels of corruption,” Ian recalled. “But I had a global network of friends and family. I had invaluable mentors at the Coalition who I was calling every other week. I funneled that energy into my work. I camped outside those government offices, drinking their tea, and learning how to break through the administrative red tape.”

The next summer, Ian’s family flew him out to London where they had all gathered to watch his sister compete in the Summer Paralympics. The trip turned out to be a turning point for Ian. While there, he met with Core Assets, a leading for-profit foster care agency in the UK.

Halfway through his pitch about his work in India, the Core Assets team was rapt. They brought in more staff to listen. Ian started his story from the top. They asked tough questions, but as the meeting ran over the questions kept coming. When the questions stopped, a VP of Core Assets asked Ian what his plans were. He started to talk about India and the VP stopped him, laughing. He clarified that he meant that weekend.

Core Assets flew Ian out for a EUSARF conference in Scotland that day, where he learned from and networked with 600 child welfare delegates.

He left Scotland with an army of support … and his first personal financial backing. It was his first major win. The entire flight home, Ian couldn’t shake the feeling he was dreaming.

Little did he know, the greatest gift was yet to come.

In 2013, he headed to a Dehli government conference to present his ideas about creating a foster care system in India. He arrived late and sat next to a woman, Nargis. They began to talk, and soon they weren’t listening to the presentation at all. Nargis was the founder of an organization in the south Delhi slum in which she was raised which educated 100+ children each day. She was brilliant and compassionate. Despite the difference in their backgrounds they had an immediate connection.

Ian had been running at full speed – often completely alone – for years, laser-focused on his mission to help families in India. Meeting Nargis was an unexpected, beautiful reminder that he, too, deserved a family of his own. They were quickly married, adding a richness to life that he didn’t know existed.

Ian continued to work tirelessly to shift the narrative in India about children in care and to solidify a strategic plan for Foster Care India, his newly incorporated nonprofit. He remained in close contact with the team at Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition, seeking their guidance on how to build a scalable system, from policy to practice.

Knowing that systemic change required the state government’s support, Ian returned to The Director in Rajasthan’s capital city of Jaipur every single month to inquire about writing a law to establish foster care in Rajasthan. After two long, grinding years (with pressure from the community he had mobilized), Ian got his wish; there would be foster care in Rajasthan.

More success quickly followed. Money from UNICEF began to arrive and local support began to trickle in. Governments of States and Union Territories asked Ian and his team to train their social work forces. The community and government began to invest in Ian’s work. Soon, he was managing a team, and was regularly in The Director’s office, rather than waiting outside.

Like all revolutionary ideas, what once seemed impossible was now closer to reality. Rajasthan was slowly implementing a system, with Ian consulting on its creation. Then one day he got a call from Delhi. The Minister of Women and Child Development for the entire country wanted to know if Ian would help them draft a law creating foster care nationwide? Clocking the irony for just a moment, Ian smiled and said yes. The Minister asked if he would be able to Co-Chair the committee responsible.

In just a few years, Ian helped take foster care in India from a fringe idea to a national reality. He learned from those who had been working in the field for years and saw every move as a collaboration. Soon, states across India began to ask him to help draft their legislation.  The nonprofit he started in a dormitory room had become internationally recognized, and was regularly presented at high-profile conferences.

But there were downsides.

He and Nargis had their first son, Zane, in 2017. Choking pollution in the city and a lack of educational opportunities had begun to convince them that Zane’s future would be brighter in the United States. Additionally, because of the threat he posed to the profitable orphanage industry, Ian often received anonymous threats. More and more, another homecoming of sorts seemed in order.

Discussing his concerns over the phone with friends and mentors at the Coalition one day, a new need came up … this time in the United States. There were organizations developing innovative solutions who worked directly with the most vulnerable children in foster care, but they couldn’t get the funding to scale those solutions beyond their immediate community. They needed someone to bridge the gap.

As they packed up their belongings, Ian tucked away the knowledge he had gained over the last six years. He had witnessed a grassroots advocacy movement steadily transform a rigid bureaucracy. A country steeped in tradition had discovered an authentic way to expand its core belief of what a family might look like. Poor communities had the opportunity to be innovative in improving the quality of life for their most vulnerable members. For the first time, orphaned children could hope to grow and heal in the love of a family.

Boarding the plane, Ian looked at his wife and son. He knew firsthand the power of a family’s love to transform a life.

“Family is a core value for Indians,” said Ian. “But bringing unknown people into their homes – that required a complete mindset change. It was much easier for the government to say ‘Foster care will never work in our country.’”

Part 1 of a 3-part blog series about The Coalition’s National Program Advisor, Ian Forber Pratt

Ian Forber-Pratt went to the courthouse in 2009 to begin his first case as an Extreme Recruiter. He entered the courtroom to the sound of screaming. Ian backed against the wall as Mallory*, age 14, was wheeled out of the chamber, strapped down to a gurney.

In many ways, Mallory was typical of the kids served by Extreme Recruitment^®. She was a teen. Her mother struggled with opioid addiction. Her father unknown. As a child in foster care, Mallory did not live with a foster family. Instead, she bounced from institution to institution. At 13, she had a child of her own who was quickly separated and placed with another family.

Ian did not fit the profile of someone working directly with the hardest-to-place youth in foster care. In his second year of a Master’s of Social Work program at the Brown School at Washington University, most of his peers were auditing policy and beginning academic research. But Ian’s passion was always to directly impact the lives of vulnerable children. As he searched for a practicum opportunity, he found a group of reform-minded social workers at the Foster & Adoptive Care Coalition. He cold-called for a job.

When Ian started as a practicum student at The Coalition, the child welfare landscape was radically different. Though Washington University taught a curriculum of data, outcomes, and measurable success, those doing the work did not speak the same language. Social work was largely based on what felt right. The Coalition was looking to inject more rigor into the system.

“It was so exciting to get in on the ground level of something like Extreme Recruitment^®,” says Ian. “The Coalition immediately set itself apart by committing to hard data. It’s not about reducing the human touch in the work we do, but reducing mistakes and setting aspirational goals.”

By bridging the gap between cutting-edge research and direct impact on children’s lives, The Coalition, aimed to raise the bar for success in the St. Louis community. Research had shown for years that older children were the most likely to “age out” of foster care without a permanent family. Only about 50% of kids who age out graduate from high school. One in five are homeless. One in four are incarcerated. 71% of girls will have their first child and more than 60% of those will have a second by the age of 21.

This is why Ian knew Mallory’s case would not be easy. She had no contact with family, and no understanding of her past. There were no consistent relationships in her life and a decade of trauma in her rearview mirror.

He began by reconnecting Mallory with relatives. With the assistance of The Coalition’s private investigators, Ian was able to give Mallory a better understanding of where she came from. Despite her family’s struggles, they had strengths, and by helping her see them, Ian was able to convince Mallory she had her own.

Beyond the challenges of the direct work, Ian and his colleagues still met resistance in the community.

“We would go into meetings and nobody understood why we were there,” says Ian. “They were asking, ‘What do we gain from challenging the status quo?’ It took enormous persistence on the part of the team just to walk in and say ‘We are not going to stop until this child has options for a family and community.’”

Their determination was unwavering.

“They began each Extreme Recruitment^® meeting with the question, ‘If we do nothing for this child today, where will he or she be in 5 years?’” Debbie Genung, Sr. Development Director for The Coalition, recalled. “When it came to finding safe, nurturing homes for these kids, no stone was left unturned. It was incredible to watch the program – and the team – grow.”

As the program gained traction and more children were successfully reconnected with their families and placed in permanent homes, partner agencies began to refer cases to The Coalition.

It wasn’t long before news of this groundbreaking work began to spread beyond St. Louis.

In 2010, the New York Times gave credence to the innovation and efficacy of the program in an article discussing the importance of family finding and relative placements. Shortly after, TIME Magazine published an in-depth article about Extreme Recruitment, highlighting an extraordinary case in which Ian and The Coalition’s private investigator found 128 relatives for a child in foster care – all in a one-week timespan.

But what drove home the team’s impact most were the stories. Mallory did not have an easy life before Extreme Recruitment, and she was not suddenly healed by Ian’s work. But he set her up to succeed, connecting her to a network who could assist and inspire her in times of crisis. He helped Mallory find her strengths. Ian helped her become a part of something. Today, Mallory has a great job with benefits at one of the region’s largest healthcare systems, and has custody of her children.

Seeing kids meet their potential in the face of overwhelming odds and a dysfunctional system inspired Ian, but it also made him question what else was possible. Bearing witness to that success lit a spark which grew over the years into something like a compulsion. It lit a spark to go home.

Ian was adopted as a newborn in 1980 from Calcutta, India. He grew up in a supportive, doting family. But since he could remember, he felt a yearning to go back, to change the stories of children who had been born like him but had not found the gift of family.

As he prepared for a career in child welfare, Ian began to study Hindi, even enrolling in a language immersion course at Saint Louis University. At the end of long nights spent studying or working cases for The Coalition, he’d think about how to apply what he had learned to create similar impact in India.

What he imagined was beyond the scale of anything he’d done, or even anything he’d studied. Ian dreamed of a foster care system that stretched across India. A system to protect children from abuse and neglect, place them in safe and loving families rather than institutions, and help communities heal from cycles of poverty and trauma.

In April of 2011, Ian sold almost everything he owned, and, with a little seed money from his colleagues at The Coalition, moved to Udaipur, India to attempt the largest child welfare reform in the history of that country.

Ian laughs when asked about what he was thinking as he left. “If I had known hard it was going to be, I probably wouldn’t have even gotten started.”

*Name changed for privacy

“It was so exciting to get in on the ground level of something like Extreme Recruitment^®,” says Ian. “The Coalition immediately set itself apart by committing to hard data. It’s not about reducing the human touch in the work we do, but reducing mistakes and setting aspirational goals.”

With his awesome sense of humor, Jason is a lot of fun to be around! An affectionate and friendly kid, Jason is a great conversationalist with an engaging personality. He is super enthusiastic and is always eager to help others. He takes pride in his strengths, and says he is loyal, creative, and puts others first. Like many 12 years olds, he enjoys gaming devices, but his true love is the outdoors. On sunny days, you can find Jason outside studying insects and wildlife. He’s even taken an interest in gardening and enjoys planting, digging in the dirt, and learning about growing various fruits and vegetables. He is fascinated by ocean life, too. Give him a nature show to watch and he’s hooked!

Jason is looking forward to being adopted. He would do well in any family that can provide him with plenty of time and attention. Nurturing and loving couples or single moms and dads would be a great fit to match Jason’s big heart. This social kid would do well with siblings – as long as they are excited to get out and go on adventures together! Active, fun-loving families who appreciate enthusiasm and a great sense of humor will be a great fit. A family that will also help him maintain his special relationships is important too. If you’d like to learn more about this great kid, please inquire!

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Brandon is an active, kind, and friendly young man. This 13-year-old is a pleasure to be with and his smile will light up any room! By others, Brandon is described as talkative, social, and inquisitive. He describes himself as smart and funny; saying he likes to humor others with his jokes and stories. When he’s not making others laugh, you can find him playing outside, listening to music, and spending time with friends.

With a family, Brandon envisions having several family dogs, walking them with his parents and siblings, and doing other fun activities as a family. He would thrive with a kind, patient understanding family that would help him reach his potential. If you can provide this great kiddo with a loving and committed home, we urge you to inquire. Financial assistance may be available for adoption-related services.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below:

Colton has great big brown eyes and a smile that will light up a room! This 5-year-old cutie is naturally happy, curious, and loving to the people in his life. He is easy to smile, giggle, and make eye contact to show his preference and affection for those closest to him. His favorite things are being snuggled, tickled, and rocked by his care providers. He is also thrilled by the opportunity to drive his motorized toy car!

At preschool, Colton excels in social interactions and loves his teachers and peers. Motivated and enthusiastic, Colton follows simple instructions, uses switches to direct activities, and vocalizes to initiate interaction with his peers. He is also showing progress in using his walker.Colton will do well in a family who has the resources and knowledge to raise and support him. He is a joy to know, and an even greater joy to love. With the right adoptive family, in a home of his own, Colton will surely thrive.

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Dylan is a fun 11 year old boy. He has a big smile and can often be silly. Dylan loves one-on-one attention to help him play with legos and puzzles. He has fun bouncing any type of ball and playing chase. Due to his sensory needs, he also enjoys applying pressure to his jaw, swinging, walking around outside, and spending some time alone. The best home for Dylan is one that is open to learning more about his needs and services that can help.

For more information, please fill out the inquiry form below: